¿Que Pasa, M.I.A.? New Year's Resolutions

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Trying to make a New Year's resolution stick is like trying to get all your friends to call you by a self-appointed nickname. (Dudes, bro, from now on call me  Shatterstar. ) This year, I'm gonna buckle down and really stick to my resolution. Of course, I say that every time. I've kept a few resolutions, but not until years later.

In 1999 I swore on my collection of San Lazaro candles that I'd quit Coke (the soda); that resolution came true in 2003, when I discovered diet Jupiña. In 2002 I promised Papa Dios that I'd quit coke (not the soda); I didn't stick to that one until 2005. In 2006 I resolved to only date ladies born later than 1970 and before 1987; mission accomplished in 2008.  New Year's Day 2008 I resolved that I'd make a resolution for 2009 that I'd keep. Clearly, there's a lot riding on my 2009 resolution. If I don't keep this next one, that means I'll have instantly broken two years' resolutions. But, if I keep this next one, I'm the best

So the thought has occurred to me to make a resolution to give up something I'm not really that into. I'll resolve not to listen to Nickelback, Creed, Linkin Park, or Disturbed anymore. I'll resolve to no longer watch Carlos Mencia on the TV. I'll resolve to not watch Fox and Friends in the morning. Too easy  It's like when I gave up asking girls to be my girlfriend, and just started saying that they were my girlfriend.

I have to look into myself and deep into my heart and isolate a point of weakness and improve it. Do I want to be more kind? No, that is impossible -- I open doors all day for everyone, I give up my place in line to the elders, and I never use bad words in front of strangers.

Should I stop singing about myself as some sort of deity? Idolatry is a sin. But, I really am as awesome as I sing I am. Plus, I am in no position to write about politics or trouble on the streets.

Wait. But why would I think I am not an authority on politics or preaching to the youngsters? Am I more than just a shiny, sexy dance machine? I am  I must do something. Now

America. Miami. 2009. I resolve to be not just a hero to the ladies on the dancefloor.  I resolve to be a hero to the ladies on the street and all people in need, as well. Once, I saw this TV show called Davey and Goliath. It appeared to be a cartoon, but was really the word of the Lord. It's very sneaky, but effective. I like how the show secretly taught me how to do good.

My New Year's resolution is to insert subliminal messages into my self-obsessed songs. But not like how the heavy metal guys do. I'll have important emergency phone numbers, an explanation of how to do CPR, and motivational speeches secretly inserted into my songs. I wonder if it's against the law to brainwash people with helpful tips.

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