Here's Your Cinco De Mayo Survival Guide

Well, it is upon us once again--Cinco de Mayo, that most special of Mexican holidays revered in the states. Mexicans themselves don't really celebrate it any more than we do Earth Day, but what the hell do they know? So it doesn't actually commemorate Mexico's Independence (that's in September). It still gives you an opportunity head out en masse to take advantage of drink specials on Dos Equis and margaritas, ultimately leading to that moment circa 4am when you paint the space between your friend's car and the curb a nice, bright, glow stick green.

Here are a few tips on how to make the most of the day.
1)    Do drink the water. Contrary to advice given those traveling south of the border, this will offset the concentration of vitamin G in your stomach from all that margarita mix (vitamin G is, of course, actually Green dye #463. It gives the mix that funky color!).

2)    Bring some Imodium with you if you intend to take advantage of the all you can eat nacho special. You don't want a case of Montezuma's Revenge in a port-a-potty at 1 a.m.

3)    Say pinche guey as loudly and frequently as possible. Don't ask me what it means...I'm not really sure. But Mexicans say it a lot, and following suit will enrich your faux-Mexican experience. Also, when ordering drinks at the bar, make sure to call your tender champion (i.e. otra chelada, mi champion...they'll love ya' for it after round 37).

Finally, if you're looking for the right place to get rowdy whilst donning you bandolero outfit, allow me to recommend a few favs. Frog's on Collins kicks off at 2pm for the hardcore, making it a perfect spot to kick off the festivities. Rancho Grande on Lincoln Road is always fun. They close off the Penn. intersection for a nice, big street party and bring in a live DJ to spin some (thankfully) non-authentic Mexican tunes. And, of course, there's Finnegan's on the River, where they match their beer, tequila and nacho specials with bull riding, mariachis and music by DJs Ariel Assault and Miguel G.

So, now you're all set. While others are proving their Mexi-can'ts, you can show you're a Mexi-CAN.