Top Ten Thursdays: Top 12 Reasons I Generally Hate Jam Bands

Jerry Ruled
Top Ten Reasons I Generally Hate Jam Bands.

1.  Jerry Garcia.

Jerome John Garcia was awesome.  He died.  It's over. Insert Duane Allman, Jimi Hendrix, et al.

2.  Marijuana

It's mostly for kids and burnouts. It also generally softens the harsh edges of horribly boring shows with horribly boring guitar solos. (See below.)

3.  Guitar Solos

They are often horribly noodley and are at the heart of "jamming." I'd much rather have a short burst of brilliance that fits wonderfully into the fabric of a song without wandering aimlessly through the backwaters of musical scales. (See also: drum solos.)

4.  Hygiene

It doesn't seem to be a priority for attendees at these types of shows.    

5.  Phish Kids

Read this to refer to Phish Kids, Rainbow Family, etc. 'Nuff said.

6.  Hippie Dancing

I ate a half-ounce of mushrooms at a Dead show at the Meadowlands in the early '90 and ever since then the twirling freaks me out. The advanced hippie white boy squat looks to me like the dancer is fucking an imaginary invisible dog.

7.  The Blues

So many white jam bands just don't get it.

8.  Solid State Gear/Effects Racks

Weirdly overprocessed gain/delay/chorus/compression makes an otherwise fantastic instrument sound like a pile of gain/delay/chorus/compression-y cow shit.

9.  Refreshment

Haterade is sweet and refreshing and I like to drink it.
10. Songs

Jam bands generally seem to either not write songs with discernible hooks and sweet melodies, or they seem to obscure them with the above-mentioned solos.

11. Jazz

Jazz does it better.

12. Musicianship

Being a great "musician" does not mean you actually play good music. For more information about this see Dream Theater.

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My Voice Nation Help

surprisingly true things that people never say (esp 3, 5, 7, 12, and obv 9) - but still somehow no one gives a fuck about this dumb list

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