Top Ten Dumb-Ass New Year's Traditions

Categories: Useless Lists
Yes, Dick Clark is a dumb-ass new year tradition.
Stupid traditions ... Like assholes and opinions, everyone has one.

You've groaned when your mom forced you to follow hers. Or you've nervously complied when trapped at some boring New Year's Eve party with your brand-new girlfriend and her extended family.

But no matter how much you hate these ridiculous little rituals, we're willing to bet dollars to dimes you're guilty of doing something off Crossfade's top ten list of the dumb-ass new year's traditions.

1. Eating a dozen grapes
It's believed that following the countdown of "THREE! TWO! ONE! HAPPY NEW YEEEEEAR!," you should eat a dozen grapes and make a wish on each one. But let's face it, the only grapes making wishes come true are the ones that come femented and bottled, and only if you're dreaming of sloppy sex, deep sleep in inappropriate places, or downright unreasonable hangovers.

2. Pouring out a bucket of water
The idea is that you're throwing out the old to welcome the new. But this one only seems useful after your friend has vomited on your doorstep.

3. Eating a bowl of chicharo
Chicharo is Cuban split pea soup, and eating it on New Years is supposed to bring you money in the coming year. This might only be a Cuban tradition. Still stupid, though.

4. Eating doughnuts on New Year's Day
This is a Dutch version of the one above, meant to bring luck. But if you can keep down doughnuts on New Years Day, you should probably count yourself lucky right there.

5. Eating cabbage
Yet another one thought to earn the eater prosperity. But think about it: How many rich cabbage munchers do you know?

6. Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve
Nothing against Dick Clark ... I just can't imagine people still watch this crap. Also, I can't forgive him for inviting Ryan Seacrest to the party. Attention span out!

7. Walk around the block with a suitcase
Walking around the block with a suitcase in hand is supposed to ensure plenty of vacation time in the coming year. Although, depending on which part of Miami you live in, it could just ensure a mugging.

8. Snorting cocaine off a naked prostitute's ass
This one's mostly just a shout out to Charlie Sheen. What up, Chuck? 

9. The Rose Bowl
OK, maybe that's just sour grapes from the Hurricane's 2010 season New Year's Eve, coming back up.

10. Throwing change around your room
Yet another one meant to fulfill the promise of prosperity ... And yeah, throwing whatever change you have in your pocket may seem harmless enough. But you're going to picking pennies out of your dog's ass until February.

Bonus: New Year's Resolutions
Ah, we come to the stupidest of all New Year's traditions. Still, given the choice of failing miserably in a half-hearted effort to quit one of my more enjoyable bad habits or eating split pea soup on a sloshy stomach, I'd have to call the latter dumbest.

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