Forget the Nostalgia, These Five '90s Songs Suck
|Erica Marshall of muddyboots.org|
|Crappy '90s songs on cassette!|
But '90s musical nostalgia swung into full gear in 2010 thanks to the Hole tour, Tavi the grunge-fetishist Style Rookie (b. 1997), and Flavorpill's top whatever lists.
To break the blissful spell of '90s nostalgia, however, we've put together some of the most unlikable songs from that strange, tacky, serious, and misguided decade.
5. Train's "Drops of Jupiter"
As a rule, '90s soft rock is terrible. It was a challenge narrowing down the most unlikable crap song in this particular genre. But luckily Train's "Drops of Jupiter" kind of rules the roost. What are drops of Jupiter anyway? Pornographic fallout? Key lines here include, "The best soy latte that you ever had... And me." Yuck. Runner up: Matchbox 20's "3 A.M."
4. Shakespeare's Sister's "Stay"
"Stay" by Lisa Loeb is a nostalgia-inducing jingle, defining the emotional vulnerability of the booming '90s -- not to mention the glasses we wore. However, "Stay" by Shakespeare's Sister off the album Hormonally Yours is the exact opposite of Loeb's corny yet familiar track. All of that shit she's doing with her voice might actually raise a dead alien dude from the grave. Runner up: Hootie and the Blowfish's "Let Her Cry"
3. 311's "Down"
The absolute worst thing that happened to music in the '90s was rapping in rock songs. Sure, the Beastie Boys did it a little, and Rage did it a lot. But that was different. We're talking about these rapcore groups that should make anyone thrilled that there's a decade between us and them.
For example, 311's "Down" is a mind destroyer. It gets stuck in your head and just repeats, making you want to rip your brain out through your nose. Bad white-boy rap and whiney white-boy singing ... Ugh, a musical monstrosity. Plus, check out the fashions in this video: The Guy Fieri look should crush your nostalgia quickly. Runners up: Limp Bizkit's "Nookie"
2. Paula Cole's "I Don't Want to Wait"
Thanks to the serious teenage television drama Dawson's Creek where 15 year olds talked like senior citizen English professors, even your mom knows the chorus to "I Don't Want to Wait." Dawson recently got a sense of humor, but Paula Cole never seemed to have one. This song's narrative is soul-crushingly lame. No one cares if he knows his father! Who is "he" anyway? The '90s brought out way too much huffing and weepiness in female singers. Does anyone remember the Lilith Fair lineups? Not one bad ass. All pussies. Runner up: Shawn Colvin's "Sunny Came Home"
1. Joan Osborne's "One of Us"
Poor Joan Osborne came up with what is possibly the worst concept to be used in a song ever. So, uh, what IF God was one of us? What's your fucking point? How dumb, stoned, and young do you have to be to write this kind of garbage? Her nose ring dredges up more nostalgia than this painfully trite tune. Osborne's eyes looking up to God in the beginning of the video. Absurd! Wasn't the point that The Almighty is down here with us? Get it together, Joan. Runner up: Soul Asylum's "Runaway Train"
Bonus Sucky Song! Creed's "With Arms Wide Open"
Tallahassee band Creed got people who don't even dig Jesus to listen to Christian rock, which, admittedly, was impressive. However, the Christ thing and this guy's affected singing voice make "With Arms Wide Open," like, the creepiest song ever. Jesus has his arms open on the cross, and this guy has his arms open on a mountain. It's spooky and the song is terrible. There's no way this tune could possibly make anyone miss the '90s, unless maybe you live in Central Florida. Runner up: Though technically the song came out in 2000 and might make you nostalgic for your DARE t-shirt, Crazy Town's "Butterfly," is a '90s-influenced tragedy.
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