Juggalos, Rebecca Black, and Three Other Crappy Music Cruises We Hope Never Set Sail

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Why are music cruises all the rage? Is it some kind of reactionary Great Recession diversion for those few who can actually afford it?

Back in February, Miami's young-adults-in-leather-jackets got a taste of the open seas with the garage rock-themed Bruise Cruise. Atlanta scuzzballs Black Lips were there. So were hometown heroes Jacuzzi Boys, and anyone who had the $700-plus to get down like The Fonz skiing over sharks for kicks.

The phenomenon is not losing any steam (well, Bret Michaels's Super Cruise did) with Rivers Cuomo and Weezer announcing last week that they'll be embarking on their own luxury voyage -- not to mention upcoming music cruises featuring Kiss, the Backstreet Boys, and Elvis impersonators.

5. Jimmy Buffet and Barry Manilow's Bore Tour Cruise
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It's no surprise that there are multiple cruises setting sail in honor of number-one beach bum and Top 40 trop-pop stain Jimmy Buffett. (Our "favorite" is the Jimmy Buffet Cruise to Parrotdice.) Jim's lost salt shaker makes for a great soundtrack when gorging oneself poolside. But what about the evening, when you are so pumped full of frozen booze that your tears are alcoholic and icy? Well, that's when you bust out Manilow, who's big-band caterwaul will satisfy your deep desire to get shitty like your grandparents.

4. Rebecca Black's Partyin', Partyin' (Yeah) Cruise
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We envision a music cruise featuring Rebecca Black to be a painfully droll recreation of the high-school experience. Ameninities include complimentary bowls of cereal and rappers who bust out of nowhere to perform at the last minute.





3. Ted Nugent's Human Cattle Experience Cruise
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Some cruise ships have bowling alleys. Others have ice rinks, shopping malls, and entire swaths of civilization plugged into a floating vacation. Well, Ted Nugent's Human Cattle Cruise features a sweltering, buggy jungle in which you fight for survival while a hidden Nuge lurks in the shadows, waiting for you to unknowingly set yourself in the crosshairs of his golden crossbow.


2. Lil B's #Based Cruise
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Now, a Lil B cruise doesn't necessarily need to be crappy. In fact, if you gathered up all of the celebrities Based God claims to resemble (Lindsay Lohan, Ellen Degeneres, Bill Bellamy, etc.), you might have the fixins for a pretty surreal weekend. But something tells us a trip on the Based Boat might greater resemble his performance at Eve last month. So your voyage will not only include day trips to nearby islands and a fully-stocked spa, but every night Lil B will present himself on the hull of the deck for your worship.

1. Insane Cruise Posse
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At first, we figured whipping up a hypothetical Juggalo Cruise was like shooting fish in a barrel. These dudes are already the internet's default punching bags. So why add to the mountain of digital detritus? Well, because they're murderous clowns who rap and soak their sloppy fans in soda. The Insane Clown Posse are master merchandisers and the Juggalo lifestyle is so immersive that we figured it would be perfectly adaptable to the cruise format. Pools filled with Faygo, nightly performances from Coolio and Twiztid, and that essential ICP show-me-your-tits camraderie would all be on deck.

Well, guess what? A little "research" (Googlin') revealed that multiple Juggalo cruises already exist. Something is definitely wrong when reality is stranger than Crossfade's celebrity fan fiction.

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nthisrain
nthisrain

I'm not into their type of music but Jimmy Buffet and Barry Manilow are accomplished and veteran artists. They make people feel good and have fun while listening to their music. Who are you Matt?

Rebecca Black's first song wasn't that great but it did make people smile and morons like yourself rage. Which makes the lower quality of it all worthwhile.

Ted Nugent is another accomplished, veteran artist who has starred on television, been a part of multiple seminars, political events and other events. Again, who are you Matt?

I'm not too familiar with Lil B's work but he has garnered quite a following since his beginnings using social media as his outlet and for exposure.

And Insane Clown Posse. For being a group that has hardly ever seen mainstream exposure they're doing quite well. Also, they nor their fans could give a fuck less about your opinion of them. They go on living life to the fullest...you keep writing negative-toned articles about everything you can. Enjoy ;)

None of these people are going anywhere Matt so why write pointless articles attempting to rant in a pathetic manner? If any of these artists ever had an official cruise i'm sure they'd be quite popular amongst their respective groups of fans. I don't think they need any validation from you. lol

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