Top Ten Thanksgiving Songs About Your Screwed-Up Family
|This baby is ready to rock.|
But we're already sick of his song and dance, and the last movie he made was so terrible that even turkeys begged for a trip to the ovens rather than watch it.
So here are the true top ten greatest Thanksgiving songs. They will remind you of everything that's both great about this holiday and terrible about your relatives.
Wait, huh? Yeah, we said it. Enjoy the tunes.
10. Muddy Waters's "Champagne And Reefer"
Hanging out with your family is alright. But it's way more fun when you're drunk and high. And it ain't really the holiday season till dad starts drinking when he wakes up, passing you margaritas for breakfast, and Uncle Bob is smoking bowls in the bathroom with the shower on every 20 minutes.
9. "Whole Foods Parking Lot"
We gave up on going to supermarkets years ago. Hey, that's what wives and girlfriends are for, right? But having worked for years as a bag boy, we know what a nightmare supermarkets get to be every holiday. Especially Thanksgiving. This song goes out to anybody who has ever fought an old lady over a can of cranberry sauce, pushed a pregnant woman out of the way at the checkout line, or pulled a hit-and-run in a Whole Foods parking lot.
8. "The Raw Food Kids"
Every family has at least one food weirdo. Y'know, one of those vegan, gluten, veggie, macro, raw food, liquid, healthy types. We call 'em culinary communists. Not only do they always try to push their sadistic food agenda on you, they expect to be accomodated and catered to like a whiny little schoolgirl. Hey, we don't care if you wanna avoid good food the rest of the year. But when it's Thanksgiving, you will eat our bacon-wrapped carcass burgers and like them. Now take a shower and get a job, you stupid hippie.
7. Rick Ross's "Bring Me Food" (Parody)
Gluttony, we just wouldn't be fat without it. And what greater way to celebrate it than through song (while stuffing our faces with turkey pre-breakfast sandwich snacks). Standout lyrics from this poetic track include, "I like my flapjacks stacked, with Cheerios/If you try to take my food, I'll kill you hoes ... Potato salad, and collard greens/I farted so hard, ripped right through my skinny jeans."
6. Flula's "Sweet Potato Casserole"
Some people like the sides better than the main dish. Usually that German weirdo your sister brought home for the holidays. Hey, at least he's not vegetarian. This song exudes Kraftwerk-like obsession with sweet and whipped-up goodness made from yammage.