Five Drugs That You Should Never Ever Bring Aboard a Hippie Music Cruise

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Can you believe these extremely irresponsible music fans (read: hippies!) who think it's "radically groovy, man" to buy reduced-price tickets to some floating freak fiesta (say, the Jam Cruise on January 9), stuff their luggage full of dangerous drugs (e.g. marijuana) instead of extra underwear (uh, gross), and then proceed to unabashedly trip out upon the high seas like Poseidon freebasing conch shells?

Well, friends, here's the truth: Narcotics are no fun. Even less fun than hippie music.

And last January, that point was driven home hard when ICE, the U.S. Marshals Service, the DEA, and the Broward Sheriff's Office busted a bunch of Jammers for a treasure trove of illegal substances and filthy paraphernalia.

Thus, as a public service, we here at Crossfade present this helpful list of the top five drugs that you should never ever bring aboard a cruise ship.

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Via justice.gov

5. Marijuana
Sure, toking while cruising might alleviate chronic sea sickness, the boredom of being stuck on a boat for five days with Bruce Hornsby, and those gout flare-ups from too much Flower Power foot-stomping. But it will also lead to the kind of crippling paranoia that'll have you convinced the MSC Poesia is steaming toward a top-secret penal colony for cannabis junkies in the Bermuda Triangle.

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4. Psilocybin
We do not want to hear any bullcrap about how "'shrooms come from the dirt, and since Sheba the Earth Goddess put them there, then she must want us to eat them, and get all touchy-feely with our inner cosmic child, you know." Bottom line: If the Feds catch you with magic mushrooms on your pita-bread pizza, it's game over, maaan.

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4 comments
Scoobie
Scoobie

So glad I live in Oregon

Jambary
Jambary

No mention of those completely harmless cocain and heroin....what a crock of shit.

MrGreenJeans
MrGreenJeans

I hope calling marijuana a 'dangerous drug' was full-on satire.

Jeff Kasky
Jeff Kasky

This article is hilariously written, but Jam Cruise is a lot more fun than you're describing, which is probably why it has sold out for TEN YEARS running!

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