Justin Bieber Ambushed Outside Bathroom by Paparazzi: An Extremely Detailed Breakdown

Based on how long he was in there, we're guessing the Biebz dropped a deuce.

​What would you do to get a glimpse of Justin Bieber?

Personally, we here at Crossfade would stop at nothing short of an epic backstage break-in, tying up security guards and stealing their clothes, crawling through air vents, and oh-so-sensually seducing tour bus drivers.

But, uh, we'd definitely draw the line at waiting outside of a bathroom while the Biebz drops a deuce. Which, it seems, is way more than your average paparazzo can say. Today, a video emerged via celeb gossip blog Perez Hilton, starring a nimrod paparazzo herd that just couldn't wait for Bieber to do his business before they harassed the fuck out of him.

What a bunch of creeps ... See Crossfade's extremely detailed breakdown after the cut.



0:00-0:12
Our feature opens with the indignant, disbelieving cry of "Really?!" and a bunch of idiots standing around. And like squawking seagulls circling a heap of sewage, this bunch of idiots narrates its own idiocy with neither shame, nor embellishment: "We are here, actually waiting for Justin Bieber to come out of the bathroom."

0:12-0:16
"Justin Bieber will be here any second." Seriously, how witty can you expect the banter to be when it's coming from some paparazzo camped outside of a public restroom. Thank god there is a quick shot of a chef in full regalia to keep things entertainingly surreal and not just weirdly boring. Is waiting for Justin Bieber to finish taking a shit the YouTube era's version of Waiting For Godot?

0:23-0:25
At this point, our cameraperson has begun to ponder what exactly the Biebz is doing in there. Our guess: Peeing, pooping, praying, crying, or Tweeting.

0:33-0:40
Wait a minute ... Is this a flash mob? Or are these guys just a bunch of those Occupy hippie-sters? Uh, you're telling us all of these people are seriously waiting for Justin Bieber to, like, walk out of the bathroom?

0:43-0:52
"It's awful," one of these idiots says about waiting outside of a bathroom for Justin Bieber. "It's so bad." The only people who hate the paparazzi more than Justin Bieber is the paparazzi itself.

0:54-1:03
The best part of this entire video is the one dude who exits the bathroom and disappoints everyone. He is now and forever anointed Not Justin Bieber After Dropping a Deuce.

1:30-1:31
Things start getting a little existential as one of our "narrators" dives right into the meaty heart of the matter: "The question is: Will he ever come out?

1:32-1:37
The answer comes a second later as JB is quickly escorted from the bathroom by his handlers (fondlers?), giving us a five second glimpse of the not-a-boy-not-yet-a-man wonder.

You'd think our heroes would rejoice in ecstasy at having finally justified their lives, like those videographers who camp out in Amazonian trees to get ultra-rare footage of caterpillar erotica and finally score their money shot. But, no ... These lackeys keep it dry, simple, and stupid: "Justin Bieber ... Coming out of the toilet."

1:48-1:56
And for dessert how about a poorly-received poop joke? P.S. Leave Justing Bieber alone!

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