Bruise Cruise 2012 Party Plan: An Unofficial, Expanded, Five-Day Guide

Let's get Fucked Up aboard the Bruise Cruise!

​Ahoy, hipsters!

Welcome to the second annual Bruise Cruise Festival, "a three-day tropical rock extravaganza" set to sail outta the Port of Miami and straight for Nassau, Bahamas, like some kinda dream ship for cool kids in search of a Spring Break that doesn't suck.

The passenger list: You and a giddy mob of 499 Bruisers, plus a rad roundup of your favorite indie celebs including cerebral punk crew Fucked Up, garage-y shamans King Khan & The Shrines, two of the Vivian Girls, superstar cover band The Togas, and Cali rock crazies Thee Oh Sees.

Oh, and don't forget cruise vets Quintron & Miss Pussycat, punk legend Jello Biafra, weirdo comic Neil Hamburger, and a bunch of other totally awesome on-board entertainers.



According to this sea-faring fest's full schedule of events, each and every Bruiser will enjoy "multiple concerts, comedy hours, puppet shows, dance parties, karaoke, dating games, conga lines, advice sessions, lectures, dance classes, and workout hours" as well as all the usual amenities (i.e. nine-hole mini-golf course, water park, resort-style pools, hot tubs, card rooms, and 24-hour self-serve sundae bar) to be expected from a floating fucking theme park like the 70,000-ton fantasy-class Carnival Imagination.

Believe it or not, though, the bruisin' and cruisin' actually begins before the ship even steams out to sea. On both Wednesday and Thursday nights, just after sundown, a half-thousand hyped-up vacationers will flee their hotels to descend upon Miami's Design District for a night of supercold brew, killer tuneage, and sloppy networking with strangers.



That's right, we're talking about the Bruise Cruise Two-Night Kickoff Party at local rock club The Stage, which means this little lost weekend at sea's all set to last a whole lot longer than 72 hours. In fact, you can pretty much double the running time.

And that's why we at Crossfade have decided to assemble this unofficial, expanded Bruise Cruise party plan. At some point over the next five days, you will get unbelievably wasted, eat too much buffet grub, party till you puke, fall asleep in the Jacuzzi, and then wake up with absolutely no idea whether it's time to partake of Puppets & Pancakes or play The Dating Game. So keep these pages in your driest jorts' pocket and let us be your lighthouse.