Ten Classic Breakup Songs for Ringing in a New Year of Heartbreak
But what's this? The dumb motherfucker to your left wearing an NYE dunce cap screams "HAPPY..." and you see, from across the room, some other dumb motherfucker with a yard of tongue down your baby's throat. Maybe your New Year's Resolution should be to kick that triflin' ho to the curb? Or maybe she's making out with a stranger because she's got a few resolutions of her own?
But whether or not the recent holiday season completely ravaged your domestic partnership (or strained relations with your booty call), odds are you're going to get your heart stomped at some point in 2012. And you might as well be prepared with an era-spanning, all-inclusive mixtape.
Patsy Cline's "Crazy"
Ms. Cline's voice soars so gracefully (see 00:53) that we have to imagine she'd been driven crazy more than once in her lifetime. The name of this song is the most accurate description of how one feels at every stage of heartbreak, and it's also the most common pet name used by ex-lovers.
The Smiths' "I Know It's Over"
Nothing is worse than the flip-flopping cycle of breaking up, reuniting, and going completely insane in the process. Take a page from The Moz: When that shit's over, it's over.
Bob Dylan's "Tangled Up In Blue"
Leave it to the freewheelin' Bobby D. (no, not Darin) to look like a bleary-eyed, coked-up, emotional trainwreck. Goddamn, bro ... Keep it together.
Joan Baez's "It Ain't Me, Babe"
Let's move from Dylan heartache to Dylan ballads used as protest music. We've included Joan Baez's rendition of "It Ain't Me, Babe" because it provides some worthwhile perspective. Maybe the problem isn't the individual failing of individual relationships, but instead the heterosexual monogamy matrix at large. Ass, grass, or gas, bay-buh!
Nancy Sinatra's "These Boots Are Made For Walking"
From burning bras to gams and go-go boots, Nancy Sinatra provides the foxy single lady foil to Joan Baez's polyamorous hairy armpits. See also: "visual therapy."