Top Ten Reasons Coachella Music Festival Totally Sucks

CoachellaSucks.jpg
That way to Suckville!
Festivals are sort of the Costco of live music. Take, for example, the upcoming 2012 edition of Coachella. If you purchased individual concert tickets for every artist on the lineup, the cost would far exceed the festival's more-or-less $400 fee.

But when you visit Costco to buy a swimming pool's worth of mustard or a 1000-box supermegapack of Cap'n Crunch, you're not expected to eat it all before you even walk out the door.

The modern music festival -- built upon excess (more bands!), cheap nostalgia (more old bands!!), and straight-up selling you shit (better bring more money!!!) -- is a bloated, fiendishly trend-oriented marathon of total overkill. And after the last few days of status updates and retweets hyping its recently announced lineup, we here at Crossfade need to let the world know why we think Coachella totally sucks.


10. Why Have One Bloated And Boring Music Festival When You Can Have Two?
We would rather listen to Ben Stein yammer about voodoo economics than sit through one day of Coachella. But guess what? In 2012, the festival has expanded into a two weekend extravaganza, completely reproducing its entire musical lineup for two separate audiences. We don't have complete confirmation, but we're sure there are fartknockers out there going to both weekends. And we hate them.



9. The Economy Collapsed Because Everyone Was Paying For Music Festival Tickets With Space Bucks
We understand: Coachella is a once in a lifetime opportunity to see wash-ups perform alongside a very-2012 smattering of dubstep guidos and Starbucks-ready "indie" adult contemporary. But let me ask you this: Which was the better Woodstock? The one where everyone parked their car in the road, knocked down the fences and had an extended mind orgasm while peaking on toad venom during Jefferson Airplane? Or the one that cost a bunch of money and devolved into nu-metal mutants starting a greasy riot?



8. A Turkey Leg Costs 3 Years of Indentured Servitude
Coachella boasts free water stations set up throughout the event, so you can bet your life's-fucking-savings that you will likely have to pay to piss. The few times we've made a mistake of going to one of these jumbo-sized shitshows, we've only ever got enough scratch for, like, one rib.



7. tUnE-yArDs Is A Good Band Name, But Only For Assholes
Arbitrarily writing your band's name in alternating caps lock is the kind of mistake that will haunt you forever because it turns your band's name into a mistake. At least you can't say that shit out loud? But we have to see it on the poster and its bad enough that we're required to mine this garbage dump of a lineup for jokes about if anyone really listens to the Arctic Monkeys, or whatever, so, please, just spell Tune-Yards like you're a friggin' adult.



6. Too Many Bands
Yeah, Camping, partying, and so on is great. But who seriously wants to watch that much continuous live music surrounded by a bunch of dingleberries? Do you think Coachella is the only time of year that mimbo in the above video hears music? Please let us know in the comments.

5. The Internet And Daylight Are Killing Music
Everyone knows that downloading has eviscerated music sales, and our culture of oversharing has saturated the market to the point where it's people's job to desperately make up genres like seapunk and moombahton so they can sell you money flavored liquor. Artists need to rely on live shows for income more than ever now, but look what happens when you try to get a band like Salem to play 3pm in the middle of a field. Kinda makes it suck, doesn't it? Stop making it hard for these people to live, Coachella. Bring music back inside and in the dark where it belongs.



4. More Shitty Bands Reunite To Cash-In
It's one thing to be disappointed because your favorite band from back-in-the-day is making music again and it's just not the same. But now you're going to try to re-sell us shit we didn't wanna buy the first time? At The Drive-In killed indie rock and Refused are about as politically sincere as The Sex Pistols, but we'd still rather listen to Johnnt Rotten's drawl on Nevermind The Bollocks than the pleghm-bark vocals on The Shape Of Punk To Come

3. Three Straight Days of Amateurs Getting Wasted
Coachella is essentially like New Years Eve. All the time. For three days. And no party hats, just drunk girls screaming, overzealous squares taking too many hits and more sloppy hornballs than should be legally permitted to lustfully congregate in the same space.



2. "Professional" Festival Attendee
The tragic descendents of Dead Heads and The Unincorporated Federation of Losers That Follow Phish on Tour, there is a miserable, whippet-huffing, hula-hooping, pube-dresaded subset of humanity that stands for no cause, has no vision, but instead has fashioned an entire lifestyle out of always knowing where there's a keg and who's holding.

1. Industry Douchebags and Smart Phones
Which brings us to the two most absolutely intolerable facets of Coachella that were both so equally infuriating we couldn't break the tie. Get this fact straight: the more deeply embedded you are in the music industry, the less you listen to music. Additionally, we typically have no patience for crowd-surfing, but we'll gladly hoist you up and toss you that way if it'll get you off Words With Friends for a minute, you asocial dishrag.

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60 comments
landonech
landonech

This was so incredibly entertaining and accurate up until this: "At The Drive-In killed indie rock."

You sir...failed. If At The Drive In killed anything, it was the need for genres. It was the need to try to put music into a box and categorize it. They killed the need to slam-dance and mosh to heavy music. They killed the gender-bias-ness of rock concerts.

In fact, they stood up for the same principles you too defend in this article. They walked off the stage at Big Day Out after only 3 songs because the crowd refused to quit slam-dancing and crowd-surfing.

http://www.tonedeaf.com.au/slideshows/50737/big-day-out-moments-we-wont-forget.htm#6

Three hours later, a girl was crushed in the crowd of Limp Bizkit and eventually died.

http://www.tonedeaf.com.au/slideshows/50737/big-day-out-moments-we-wont-forget.htm#3

How hypocritical of you to cite all these problems with the festival but then write off a band that shares most all of the same viewpoints you brought up.

Bad journalism.






ThisGuy
ThisGuy

OK buddy, thanks for the laugh... Anyways, I'll keep having my fun (that's all that matters, right?) while this person sits on the web and whines about how much they hate what other people are getting kicks out of what he or she doesn't... feel bad for you! 

Chris
Chris

 I'd hardly call three straight days of 105+ heat "beautiful weather".

crls
crls

8. A Turkey Leg Costs 3 Years of Indentured ServitudeCoachella boasts free water stations set up throughout the event, so you can bet your life's-fucking-savings that you will likely have to pay to piss. The few times we've made a mistake of going to one of these jumbo-sized shitshows, we've only ever got enough scratch for, like, one rib."Boasts free water stations"- So you didn't go? You made this all up based on blogs you've read and reports from your luckier colleagues? There were various water stations, $2 water bottles, 10-for-1 water bottle exchange, air conditioned bathrooms with stalls, mirrors, and toilet seat covers. If MNT doesn't pay you enough to enjoy one rib at the festival may I suggest Bear Creek Music Festival?

crls
crls

This list is so awful. It must be a joke.. I can only agree with people getting obnoxiously wasted but that isn't Coachella-specific.

Guest
Guest

fuck the judgemental douche that wrote this

redthreat
redthreat

coachella was so last decade

Jaime Mata
Jaime Mata

"But now you're going to try to re-sell us shit we didn't wanna buy the first time?"hmm seems like just because you don't like these bands in general,you say they suck......overall coachella does suck though,rather watch onlineRefused was one of the only GOOD bands in coachella,so go fuck yourself it dosen't apply to all bands as you seem to think,dumbass

JUNE
JUNE

 I went the first year of cochella and they had great bands but it still really suck, you are right bring your money and your own private toilet!! 

Reverbtv
Reverbtv

90% of the music sucks but its cool that chicks are bringing back the late 60's hippy no bra thing...other than that festivals suck in general. that's my 2 ounces of haterade served in a dirty ashtray no ice.

Telemachious23
Telemachious23

coachella fest is full of fakes. who seriously knows all the bands that are going to play? its like an arranged marriage.... you dont know what your getting.... some bands will suck...some will be ok and some will be badass but really...???? spending a shit load of money for a surprise??? besides most people just go to party. its about music idiots not partying... so in other words its a really expensive party fest???? 

Square
Square

Yeah I agree, fun stuff is dumb!

Down with fun!

Go fuck yourself.

L Cedwards88
L Cedwards88

Just to make things clear...First of all, when it comes down to the appreciation of music, no matter what your favorite genere is, ANY fesitival, MIAMI OR CALI will blow your mind. It doesnt matter what age you are, or where you live....MUSIC IS MUSIC. and immaturity and jealousy doesnt really change that. Opinions are like ass holes, and generally everybody has one.

Second...Have you ever been to Coachella or Ultra? Have you ever experienced that feeling you get when you are surrounded by thousands of people who feel & are there for the same reason you are? TO APPRECIATE THE WIDESPREAD & BEAUTIFUL ELEMENTS OF MUSIC?! We are all different, so we celebrate life differently. Hell yeah gorgeous drunk girls, and a shit ton of drugs and alcohol will add to the fun...but let me tell you....you'll find it at Coachella, you'll find it at Ultra, its at Burning Man, and hell yeah it was at Woodstock too.

If you dont have the tolerance for the scene, the want to feel good vibes and appreciate the beautiful surroundings & music, then you do you.  Get off the computer and keep your words in your mouth and your jelly lil fingers off the keyboard. Your opinion isn't going to convince anyone to get rid of their tickets after anticipating this annual mental health break since last April.

A for Effort, but you're still lame. I bet you were sitting in your stuffy corporate office cubicle when you wrote this werent you?  Maybe if you'd stop wasting time posting stupid blogs like this & get back to work, you'd have the money to go!! Awww, thats okay hypocrite, your time will come. Hope your life gets better from here! :)

Lemonjello Jones
Lemonjello Jones

I feel bad for your inability to enjoy music and have fun.

TugNut69
TugNut69

so you basically based just about every type of person who would attend any sort of music festival....along with the music included. what do you recommend "we" go to instead?

KJChappell1981
KJChappell1981

Miami has the whackest music scene right now. We'd be blessed to have a Coachella here. You're trippin', bro.

nic
nic

such a weak, negative compilation. this article is so generic it's painful. none of your complaints are even Coachella-specific. but we are all glad you won't be there!!!! :)

Alang
Alang

haterade! u dont even see the benefits, before the festival many of the bands play shows so you dont necessarily have to go to the festival-- and you could only wish there was a festival like coachella in miami.

you probably didnt even go to orlando calling

Ng
Ng

what a lame article. seriously stop wasting my time. we should only be so lucky to have such festival with that band lineup.

Urban Bitch
Urban Bitch

This article nailed it. Also, it reconnected me with the "Wasted Guy at Coachella" video, so great.

hanna
hanna

@f034bc67968a5ddbca53fab86f31e37b:disqus .........Would you like to work from home? Read more here: LazyCash4.com and you will find out how to get a nice income every month.

C-j Avier LeDoosh
C-j Avier LeDoosh

Wow it seems like this Coachella Festival has a lot in common with a festival in the Miami area....Having a hard time remembering what it's name wa....WAIT! Oh yeah, Ultra. 

Let's see:

10. Who cares. If it sells out (which it will), Ultra may try this shit next year.9. Making fun of Dubstep, hmm Friday is Dub heavy for Ultra.8. At least they get free water. At Ultra its $5 dollars AND the Turkey Leg is expensive.7. Making fun of band names? Really? I don't even have anything for this its so stupid.6. To many bands? More variety so everyone is pleased is bad? Ultra has what? Trance,       Dubstep, Techno, D&B, and on and on and on. Seems the same to me.5. Same shit as Ultra. 

(Seeing a pattern here?)

4. Who cares? I'm sure people who don't care about Fatboy Slim or Kraftwerk feel the same       way. I guess personal choice isn't allowed?3. 3 days of amateurs getting wasted (at Ultra).2. I guess what you described would be ravers. Again, who cares?1. I'm sure Flo Rida was at Ultra cuz he LOVES edm music right? As well as countless other    shills trying to cash in on the edm scene since its hot now.

So, in summation everything you posted here is for the most part true about Ultra. Obviously you are taking this from an impartial perspective. Seeing as you are from Miami and probably (and might I add sadly) getting some kick-back for this stupid article. Just shut up already. It's not even funny when you don't even try to make this a good argument.

and for the record, I don't care about Coachella and will probably never go because its not my thing, but I'm not an idiot like you. I'm even going to Ultra and well aware that I will have to pay stupid amounts of money for water and food. 

Wish I could get hired writing articles like this, but I wouldn't get hired, I'm too smart.

Enjoy Coachella, Ultra, EDC, whatever you like everyone, this guys an idiot.

relyt
relyt

FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING HYPOCRITES!!!!! THE WHOLE ARTICLE ABOVE IS COMPLETELY TRUE__FOR UMF2012.  UMF IS THE BIGGEST FUCKING RIP OFF CLUSTER FUCK OF A SHOW. LIKE LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN THIS ARITCLE IS TRUE ABOUT UMF  > I HOPE YOUR ARENT SERIOUS

Bonghit
Bonghit

best to stay home and watch it for free on the internet

lulz
lulz

pretty sure this is a joke y'all. the author is clearly focusing on the negatives with full acknowledgement of the positives.

but yeah, fuck you on #4.

Meowdeznutznow
Meowdeznutznow

funny how the tards consider critique=hate/dislike#11tix priceoverall fun regardless. coachella 2001-07

Joed420
Joed420

As opposed to ULTRA!???

/facepalm
/facepalm

not sure if troll, or just really fucking stupid.

Caleb Gauge
Caleb Gauge

This article has to be a joke or begging for comments. While on the topic, let's discuss Ultra's ravetard/ptot cesspool in MNT's backyard.

Guest
Guest

you've clearly never been to coachella... leave it to the new times... the debbie downers of all things Miami. waaaaaa!

Fredddy
Fredddy

10) Can you blame them for having 2 music festivals when the 1st one sells out in days?  Two music festivals just means more people get to see the music they want to see.

9)  What?  Space bucks?  Just because the first Woodstock was legendary doesn't mean every festival thereafter sucks.  Retarded.

8) Yeah, music festivals are expensive.  So do what most people do and sneak in booze and piss behind a tree.  If you can't afford a $5 hotdog, then put in a few more hours at Burger King this week.

7) The Black Keys, Radiohead, and Dr. Dre seem like decent names to me.  And if there are a couple lame names, how does that equate to Coachella sucking?

6) Too many bands??  Yeah, I get really pissed too when I get waaay too much bang for my buck.  Good deals really suck.

5)  You're just an ogre that jerks off several times a day in your parents' basement because you're allergic to the sun.  I saw Dropkick Murphys in the middle of a field at 3pm and it was fucking awesome.

4) I've never heard anyone complain about their favorite bands reuniting to play live.  Again, retarded.

3) You don't like amateur partiers, yet you live in Miami.  Call me crazy, but drunk, hot girls are one reason why music festivals kick ass.

2) See Occupy Miami.  Or any concert, ever.

1) Suits have been behind any recorded artist since the music industry began.  Besides, I've never seen one in the crowd.  

UFmegood
UFmegood

Every music festival has its ups and downs. Nothing will ever be the same as the OG Woodstock because of all the red tape and bureaucracy involved in our current society. Bonnaroo is too hot. Ultra is too electronic. Sasquatch is too far. Wanee is too jammy. Look. The point is that every festival is catered towards a certain crowd. Yes a lot of the people who attend Coachella suck. But when I reflect back on my life and the three days I spent there, I think about watching Phoenix during a California sunset with mountains surrounding me. You're not gonna get that anywhere else.

Clearly Coachella sucks for all the reasons you listed, but it makes up for those things by having a great lineup, great art installations and a great setting. 

Fredddy
Fredddy

Yeah man...dozens of bands across all genres playing in beautiful weather surrounded by hot chicks, beer, and mind-altering substances.  Sounds awful. 

What a stupid article.

brandon
brandon

he's just to butthurt that coachella is too far away from miami for him to go.

FuckMiami
FuckMiami

Why are you such a bitter person? Did you buy a fake ticket last year or something? Even though this is under useless lists I still can't help but wonder why you would take the time out of your day to write this considering all music festivals do these things. Oh wait. You live in miami. And Ultra is coming up. Go suck a dick.

butthead
butthead

@Chris  come later in the year and it's regularly 115+ 105 is a nice day around here.

butthead
butthead

@crls may i reccomend a proofreader? Because your formatting skills are shit.


butthead
butthead

@redthreat because that's when you went?

butthead
butthead

@Jaime Mata Refused sucks the big one buddy. Yeah they're more punk than Green Day, but they still suck.

butthead
butthead

@L Cedwards88 Wrong. I love music. I hate festivals. You want to know why? I was watching Paul McCartney perform 'Blackbird', some fucking idot stumbles over me and spills a bud lite down my back. Perfect image of the entire festival. A good time ruined by fucking retards. Thousands and thousands of retards who come into a community, destroy it. Tell you how awful the place you live is and then leave. Only to come back next year and do it all over again.

LADude235
LADude235

Sorry you couldn't score a ticket Matt.  Just for you, I will use the check-in feature built into the wristbands this year.

Michael Nakai
Michael Nakai

whatever. coachella sucks. full of socal loser who never been outside of socal. 

butthead
butthead

@Bonghit not even. Why waste your time? you could watch something with production value. But I guess the internet generation is too fucking stupid to know that.


Millerpmiller
Millerpmiller

I was gonna post something, but this guy pretty much says it all. Ah fuck it... I'll say something anyway.

Coachella haterade is hilarious. If you don't like the lineup that's one thing, but to completely dismiss the experience as three shitty days with thousands of douchebags in the desert is just preposterous. Stop trying to convince yourselves that its not because you're just unwilling to pay for what we all ultimately know is one of the most epic musical events in the world.

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