Which Wine Goes Best With Human Face? Maynard James Keenan Has the Answer

MaynardWine.jpg
Via fadedindustry.com
Maynard James Keenan
See Crossfade's review and slideshow of Puscifer in Miami -- plus Maynard James Keenan's "Five Favorite Adult Swim Moments" and "Puscifer Gets Weird at the Gusman on June 12."

Any vulgarian can wash down a lunch of human face with LSD and half a dozen bullets. A true gourmand, however, knows that to get the most out of a meal, one must pair each portion of the face with the right wine.

Luckily, Maynard James Keenan, the frontman for Tool and A Perfect Circle, is also something of a wine expert as the owner of Merkin Vineyards and Caduceus Cellars.

He will bring his comedy and music spectacular Puscifer to the Gusman Center on June 12. But today, the oenophile spoke with Crossfade about how wine can maximize the enjoyment of human face.

Crossfade: What wine would you recommend with a human face?
Maynard James Keenan: Well, for cheeks you'll obviously want a pinot noir.

And the nose?
That's mainly cartilege so you're better off with beer. It's more aligned with hotdogs or bratwurst. That's true of the nose as well as the lips.

And tongue?
The tongue is heartier and is going to have a little gamier of texture. I'd go with a larger shiraz with some oak on it. Barolo, if you serve it raw. If you serve it raw with olive oil and herbs, you'll want a Barolo.

That sounds good for summer.
Yeah. Are there a lot of homeless people around that bridge?

There's a shelter only a few minutes walk away.
Then we'll arrive hungry. On one side of the building, does it say "Homeless Shelter" and on the other "Hometown Buffet"?

Now that you mention it, yes.
Cots can look remarkably like serving trays, especially if there is a spoon nearby.


Puscifer with Carina Round Tuesday, June 12. The Olympia Theater at the Gusman Center for the Performing Arts, 174 E. Flagler St., Miami. The show starts at 8 p.m. and tickets range from $32.50 to $46.50 plus fees. Call 305-372-0925 or visit gusmancenter.org.

Follow Crossfade on Facebook and Twitter @Crossfade_SFL

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66 comments
Mjr1000000
Mjr1000000

Well the name of the wine cellar is Caduceus. Get it? Ca-douche-us!

Mjr1000000
Mjr1000000

Human face? I would serve that to the dogs. Now the brain on the other hand....

Snowstrobe
Snowstrobe

I don't think the eyeballs would require any accompaniment, save a little salt. Though you'll probably need some kind of serving implement, perhaps a grapefruit spoon would do. They, no doubt make a lovely popping sound as you bite down, releasing all the delicious juices.

Isl2t3
Isl2t3

Has ever heard of guy named Geoff Tate. Look him up?

Amanda Lopez
Amanda Lopez

I'd think, fresh living flesh should be accompanied with a stout red wine...personally; I'm certain the Donner party (can we get away with calling it a party?) wished for a bottle of red wine!  

Amanda Lopez
Amanda Lopez

What if your looking for a nice Red to go with the Red you are consuming?

Fun
Fun

Stuff the wine. Get in to the studio!

JLB
JLB

If one wanted to licked Maynards balls, what wine would you recommend?

Josh
Josh

As long as you don't drink any "f*ckin' Merlot!" You'll be fine..

Ryan Taylor
Ryan Taylor

As a homeless man, I approve of these statements.  May you people the earth with your children after the 1% nuke the ghettos into oblivion, Mr. Keenan.

Karen Gant
Karen Gant

Personally, I'm just trying to hold back my strange desire to  start munching on Maynard's head... Mmmmm, that sounds muchos deliciosos! What can I say? I do live in Miami

maynard
maynard

Anyone want his phone number? Lpl

josh becker
josh becker

Maynard... hey there neighbor. I'm moving the 14th back to indiana. Going away party at pj's pub. In VOC

Stoneetress
Stoneetress

seriously manard you should call me, 5415137001

Silverstarkj
Silverstarkj

Hannibal would be proud - there is nothing so uncouth as serving the wrong wine with such delicacies. ;)

LALA
LALA

Maddog 20/20 goes best of course. 

Scott
Scott

The face was marinating in Maddog for the last 30 years.

Mlevy420
Mlevy420

 fuckin awesome!!!! LMFAO

Elychr
Elychr

I wish I could eat Maynard's brain...

Rodrozta
Rodrozta

thank you for making the first humorous article in my eyes james, the flesh isnt what gets to me, its society, i'd much rather consume and appreciate the taste of a cop or politician than a bum though.... I'd love to share a meal over pinot noir with you.

Kenny Brown
Kenny Brown

It wasn't LSD, it was Bath Salts a synthetic amphetamine.... not LSD

3PenSteelers6
3PenSteelers6

And some people like their cucumbers pickled

Brie
Brie

Honestly, does it really fucking matter? Someone above already mentioned it so your comment was completely pointless 

George Hopper
George Hopper

 Of course it matters, idiot. LSD isn't really known to do this kind of thing. Also, I'm sure if you look at all the comments, someone has likely posted the same thing as you, too.

Travis Illfigure
Travis Illfigure

"Any vulgarian can wash down a lunch of human face with LSD and half a dozen bullets. A true gourmand, however, knows that to get the most out of a meal, one must pair each portion of the face with the right wine. "Bravo!

Maxpower
Maxpower

Why in these articles do they feel the need to mention he's the lead singer of Tool and APC, yet at his wine events Maynard threatens to leave if he hears one person mention Tool or APC?  That and he insists on hand squeezed grape juice.  As much as I love the music and would like to try the wine, the man behind it all comes across as a douche.  Can't say I blame him as if I was that succesful I'd probably have a hugely inflated sense of self importance too.  Cheers.

Rhavyn
Rhavyn

"they" feel the need to mention ACP/TOOL because they want ratings. they don't think we will know MJK -on his name alone.  My  opinion on why he doesn't want the other bands mentioned is he is likely sick of talking about what every song lyric means and he is focused on current projects and future think. Think of him what you will- the rest of us know that the man is obviously genius.

Snaggle
Snaggle

You could not be more wrong. Your perspective is about as wrong as it could be. And don't worry about success, you already do have a hugely inflated sense of self, as opposed to MJK. You are projecting.

George Hopper
George Hopper

 He's a douche if he likes wine or because he doesn't want wine events to turn into Tool fan events? Get over it. He's living the life he wants and there's nothing overtly douchey here except your silly judgement.

Huskerscp
Huskerscp

Any real MJK fan should be able to admit he is a bit of a douche. Not for the reasons listed but he is a smartass and I love it

ej canup
ej canup

Huskerscp Of course. He intentionally puts out what he wants to be seen as. 

Toolgurl25
Toolgurl25

he does that because he doesn't want to be recognized for just his music when hes doing something completely unrelated. 

Harty
Harty

That's a pretty twisted article - I would never have expected a winemaker to recommend beer.

Annaannieandy
Annaannieandy

....@Harty have you ever heard of "Tongue in Cheek"! LOL

Chris Jones
Chris Jones

Well, duh!!  it's IN the article... and Maynard recommends you enjoy them with a pinot noir  and shiraz, respectively

AnotherMe
AnotherMe

Yes, Annaannieandy, he has... and Chris Jones, both of you missed the point of Harty's commentary- he was exercising his own "tongue in cheek" humor by a false lead-in designed to make the reader impulsively think he meant the idea of eating human faces was the twisted part, when he actually was creating a diversion to make the punchline that what was twisted was a oenophile making reference to the old hops and barley brew instead... I, myself, gave a "harty" laugh at the comment...

Pass the Barolo, this tongue stuffed cheek needs some washing down...

Ray Welker
Ray Welker

The attacker was dosed-out on legal bath salts, not LSD for your information.

Jake_loudermilk
Jake_loudermilk

Actually, "bath salts" is a slang term for an ILLEGAL psuedodrug of crystal methamphetamine.  It's only called bath salts because it happens to look like them.  

Johann
Johann

they think he was on "bath salts," because he has a history with them and his symptoms matched, he could have just as easily been on pcp. Bath salts are most commonly made out of mephedrone, yes it's long name 4-methylmethcathinone has a meth in it, but that doesn't make it methamphetamine. mephedrone is currently unregulated in the united states and can be sold as anything other than a food or drug. in the future you should google things bro.

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at days end...only the capitalist survives

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