iHeartRadio Pool Party: A Lusty Five-Part Guide With Enrique Iglesias, Calvin Harris, and More!
If you think that radio's only shortcomings are (1) the musicians aren't playing live for you and (2) the lack of heat mirages rising off a vast field of tanned European buttocks -- well, things are about to change for you, friend.
On June 29 and 30, iHeartRadio, Clear Channel's digital radio service, is teaming up with the Fontainebleau Miami Beach to bring you big radio hits in the flesh and lots of glistening flesh in the flesh. The poolside weekend leading up to the Fourth of July will be fleshier than anything Ben Franklin or any of our other pervy founding fathers could ever have imagined.
But it won't be only U.S.A. and T&A. On Saturday afternoon, Calvin Harris will be DJing by the pool. And then, after the sequined evening thongs are donned, there will be live sets by Maroon 5, Flo Rida, and Gym Class Heroes.
There will be a "special appearance" by Enrique Iglesias too. So turn up your radio and come along as we explore how these artists will soundtrack your Independence Day romances while also being lusty partners in them, much as the French were ours during the revolution.
Where will he appear? Will you look up from your daiquiri-stained sudoku to see him pulling your cabana curtains closed from the inside? Will he rattle a Tic-Tac box he has produced from his bulging dong sling and say, "Querida, let me show you where the mole went. And, more importantly, where it is going"?
Preparations: Reserve a cabana, order a daiquiri, fill random numbers into your sudoku to impress Enrique
Worse Case Scenario: Gamma rays hit the mole and it comes to life, swallowing South Beach before getting nuked by the Air Force in an amazing fireworks show.
This DJ-producer has been behind some of the best dance-floor fillers of recent years. So what if he is causing controversy by not singing his own songs live when he plays them during DJ sets? How is he supposed to sing and scan the crowd for primo tail like you? Not everyone can be The Wiggles, after all. Instead, Harris will lock eyes with you as you're making your way across the pool on your kickboard.
"I may have created disco," he'll mouth to you from behind the decks, "but swim closer if you want to see what you've created." When you reach him, he will look down and you'll see he has a camera-phone shot of how your towel and sunglasses on the chaise accidentally look like a smiley face. Then he'll make furious love to you atop his DJ equipment as everyone stands around awkwardly, the music having stopped long ago.
Preparations: Carefully arrange your sunglasses and towel into a smiley face, rent a kickboard from the Fontainebleau spa.
Worst Case Scenario: You get out of the pool and accidentally knock over all the kickboards belonging to an outlaw kickboard gang and they topple in sequence like so many dominos. When the gang notices, they beat you to death with their pool noodles.