Paris Hilton's DJ Debut Sucked Balls: An Extremely Detailed Breakdown

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See also "Jane Bang's Diss Track: 'Keep Sucking on That Afrojack Dick'" and "DJ Paris Hilton Pisses Off Samantha Ronson and Deadmau5."

And the award for shittiest, most tragic DJ in the entire universe goes to ... The slut in the awkward construction paper dress! Oh, we mean Paris Hilton, obviously.

Remember when Crossfade told you that Paris was bound to ruin everything with her DJ premiere at the Pop Music Festival in Brazil? Well, it happened over the weekend.

We wish that we could say Hilton did it for the LOLs, but she probably doesn't get the joke.



0:00 - 0:25
Hilton literally touches nothing. Yet the music manages to speed up awkwardly and sound like poop. She sways from side to side like a drunken bobble figure. Waving a Brazilian flag doesn't save you from offending the whole country.

0:26 - 1:18
Paris plays with the flanger and makes a face like she's at a photoshoot. She puts her hands in the air, clearly because she does not care. The track continues to sound like it's trying to kill itself, and we don't blame Gotye. She pretends to know how to use all this equipment and stuff.

0:19 - 2:59
She takes to the mic, calling out to the crowd in a voice like that of a prepubescent child on downers. She actually touches nothing, and the song changes into another played-out hit from hell. The video skips into more embarrassing vocals and awkward dance moves.

But wait! There's more!



0:00 - 0:30
Paris debuts her own original ... Er, Afrojack's original that she sings on. Someone in the crowd mocks her nasal idiot speak. She drops the worst trainwreck in history, smashing Calvin Harris's "We Found Love" with her own puke-inducing sing-along. She takes off her headphones because not even she thinks it sounds good.

0:31 - 1:53
Stage directors blow smoke into the crowd as Paris blows smoke up her own ass. Someone has to come and help her DJ because she's too busy waving her glittery microphone in the air to actually do her job. You know, DJ-ing.

1:54 - 3:03
Nothing can save her now. She continues to be DJPlayTheHits.com, literally dropping the same effing Calvin Harris tune as before. The video finally fades to black, and we cry ourselves to sleep. Because after seeing Paris Hilton try to DJ, it's just not worth living in this world.

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21 comments
Brett147
Brett147

Reminds me of Madonna at Ultra.

 

debred
debred

I hate the old adage: "It's not what you know, it's who you know." Makes you want to throw all those years of practicing down the toilet.

Juan Garcia
Juan Garcia

Is it just me, or did EVERYONE just get a bout of violent diarrhea?

miami doesnt lie... lol
miami doesnt lie... lol

how embarrassing for our country to have to have her as a representative of art and culture in brasil. shes cute but not a dj. she should stick to doing nothing and smiling. if it aint broke dont fix it. paris, your a hilton, stop trying and just live your life.

Jason Rahall
Jason Rahall

One of the most high-energy countries in the world and... the crowd is standing... rather still. She's become a caricature of herself. Gotta give her sister Nicky credit for mostly staying out of the limelight and working at her fashion business instead of buzzkilling music festivals in other countries. She should next head to a club in Peru. "Yo, van der Sloot. Look, a blonde American chick." Haha - just kidding =/

Rayne
Rayne

well she is a slur, she got famous for being a rich thoughtless idiot and more famous for a shitty sex tape. she can barely suck a dick, why the fuck is she even allowed to be on a stage let alone touching tables. fuck her and the idiota that feed into this bullshit thats destroying the scene so many people put blood sweat and tears out to create.

Ynotaga
Ynotaga

I don't know guys, she twisted the hell out of that knob. Is there anything this confused idiot cant do?

Corpulent Cranium
Corpulent Cranium

The only thing 'dropped' in this article is Kat Bein's use of the English language.

Djknowledge313
Djknowledge313

If faking it as a dj is acceptable. Then I guess you should never EVER be upset at your wife! EDM ruined the art of DJn. Stripped it down to this commercial no skilled Paris Hilton/Tiesto/David Guetta garbage! You fucktards are paying 100's to see these ass whipe mockeries when Jazzy Jeff and QBert put on a waaaay better show! And you cant fake what they do!

Zane
Zane

someone's jealous

M1chaeL
M1chaeL

 The girl is not a DJ, duh. Give her a break. I personally wouldn't attend a Paris Hilton DJ event, but these ones have. They too know that she is not a DJ. Maybe they like her songs, or even love them, though many of us obviously do not. Isn't that their choice?   Maybe most of you are too young to remember the days when having a good time, or even a halfway decent one, was not dependent on the musical quality of the transition time between two songs, i.e., the mix. There was no mix. DJ's simply spun one song after another. And I recall people having a frikk'n blast back then. What are you all really complaining about? That you do not like her or her music? You're mad, because your taste in music is so refined, while another's is not? Lol! Hmm, that must make you cool, right? Better even, I suppose...certainly 'cooler' and 'better' than silly little Paris Hilton. Ya, okay...keep thinking that...  Hate only hurts the hater...so please, keep hating.....

Staffnutter
Staffnutter

i don´t know i had a right good laugh for the 3 min. and a little cry at the end XD

Byakko125
Byakko125

i absolutely hope bradm89 is being sarcastic.. if you saw him live and the set was perfect, it was probably premixed and he was faking it.. been a long admitted thing that he does that.. he looks like me in my 1st year djing on the mixer, i saw him flipping the headphone cue like it was an eq or fx knob a few months ago at edc during a set.. what a retard...

Man GooGoo
Man GooGoo

waaaaaaaahhhhh... half of all dj's preprogram their entire set anyways so Paris is doing just fine... goes to show that very little talent is needed to be a dj ...talent has been replaced with fashion and trends

Jay Andrews
Jay Andrews

Wow, as shit as she may be I’m amazed that this many people (sadly, myself included) are giving it the time of day by commenting as its more (bad admittedly) publicity for this total turbo bitch. As much as I hate reality celebs I was secretly hoping that she would put a bit of effort into this opportunity that 1000's of (talented) DJ's would kill for. But no, she had no idea what she was doing and acted like she does whenever she gets anything handed to her on a plate, like Paris Hilton. Well done you idiot, you just proved to the world that you cannot do yet another thing you try your hand at.

Jay Andrews
Jay Andrews

Wow, as shit as she may be the fact that there are this many comments about it (mine, sadly, included) just gives this turbo bitch excactly what she wants which is, whilst bad, more publicity. As much as I hate any reality celeb i was secretly hoping that she might put a bit of effort into this opportunity that many (talented) DJ's would kill for and that she would not suck as bad as she did. But no, she had no clue on this earth as to what she was doing and acted like she does when she gets anything handed to her, like Paris Hilton. Well done you idiot, you just proved to the world that cant do yet another thing you have tried your hand at.

Warlord888
Warlord888

After seing this all I can say is that I'm so grateful to be a part of the "original" scene in the 90s (from 1993). It all went wrong after 1999/2000.... 

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