Madonna's Midlife Crisis on Video: An Extremely Detailed Breakdown

MadonnaMidlifeCrisisVideo.jpg
No, Madonna. No.

The 53-year-old pop star's new video for "Turn Up the Radio" is terrifying. And this has nothing to do with some outmoded idea that women shouldn't be sexual when they, like Madonna, are only a couple months younger than Alaska's statehood.

No. What's wrong with this video is that Madonna is parading a mid-life crisis through Italy, a country long-ravaged by war, earthquakes, volcanoes and centuries of garlic farts. They have suffered enough.



There's a difference between people being carefree and exciting in their later years and an old perv with a bad dye job cruising for babes in a rented convertible. The latter is what happens in this video. It's people like Madonna that had our mothers calling from the front door, "Now, you kids stay where I can see you."

There are no laws against Madonna committing her atrocities to video (cf. Madonna's film career). Nevertheless, we here at Crossfade offer an extremely detailed breakdown of Madonna's extreme breakdown.

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00:12
OK. First of all, we're calling bullshit on Madonna traveling with only one bag. But more importantly, carrying it on her own to her car outside her hotel. The opening shot of the video is a close up from behind of someone in high heels carrying that suitcase through the hotel lobby. It's trick photography, like how in contemporary Steven Seagal movies, you see insert shots of someone else's kicking feet and then they cut back to ol' Stevie sweating.

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00:17
Show business is a cruel machine, one that makes a person shy away from the spotlight while also hiring actors to take her photograph in a music video. It's really hard to be Madonna. All she's trying to do is sell millions of albums and concert tickets. Or maybe spend a nice quiet evening exposing her nipples and bare ass to 30,000 people. And yet, people keep trying to take her picture.


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15 comments
cmayerro
cmayerro

This piece not deliver what it promises, an exposé of Madonna's supposed mid-life crisis. It's a stupid and opinionated anti-Madonna diatribe parading as analysis, but not at all adept at analyzing image. Who cares what the author thinks of Madonna's push-up bra?

Belissimo
Belissimo

He is a Jew. And more likely than not, he is overweight. What's wrong?

Winduberry
Winduberry

I love the video, and love Madonna, but this did makr me giggle. It wad just funny, I bet Madonna could even laugh at this. I did not find it mean spirited, more than just pok ing some light hearted fun. The video is incredible however, and she looks fabulous. But funny writing none the less....it wad kind like a roast.

Big guy
Big guy

The person who wrote this article sounds like a bitter queen. The video is fun and she looks great and very very youthful. Does that piss you off??? Obviously.

Me
Me

I can't believe I read all five pages of this drivel. I want my five minutes back!!

motorocker16
motorocker16

I think the video is very nice, light, and refreshing!!!  Well done Madonna!!   I can hardly say the same about the media, evidently women are supposed to get fat and not ever leave the house!!    Luv, Luv, Luv Madonna:)

Chuia
Chuia

With a name like Fab that rymes with F**G you cant be taken seriously

EA
EA

This guy is a journalist for real? Oh wait just saw the "news magazine" he works for. He may as well going back to the fast food restaurant he worked for. 

MelB
MelB

What a stupid article. If you still got it flaunt it. I LOVED the video and good for Madonna pushing the aegist bullshit!!!

Holli
Holli

Madonna, not Maronna. Typo. Oopsies.

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