Avril Lavigne & Nickelback, Diarrhea-Flavored Mouthwash, Four Other Gross Marriages
Because the end times just weren't coming soon enough, Avril Lavigne and Nickelback's Chad Kroeger have announced that they are engaged to be married after a secret six-month courtship.
Yes, congratulations to Avril Lavigne, who managed to find someone that is more of a non-person than Brody Jenner. And congratulations to our ears, which will no longer be Nickelback's dedicated wang holster.
Let's celebrate what is most likely true love. After all, their shared nauseous brand of mediocrity is a lot more than most couples have in common. Of course, it's possible that they've been paired by some Canadian version of the Illuminati (the Illuminat-eh?) to finally exact revenge on the U.S. for that French and Indian War mess.
Then again, maybe they've got the ultimate diabolical duet on the way in the form of parenting the Antichrist. We'll find out if they register at Bed Bath & Beyond for enough candles to make a giant pentagram in the center of Stonehenge. Until then, dull the pain by thinking about five other combinations that are equally horrid.
You wake up with a foul taste in your mouth. "No problem," you say. "I'll just swish and spit with that new mouthwash that arrived at my doorstep unexpectedly." The trouble: Not only is the bottle not PBA-free, but the mouthwash is diarrhea-flavored. All natural, too.
An improbable nightmare scenario? Perhaps. But think about this: Avril Lavigne and Nickelback may very well be intending to have children. Imagine an entire army of horribly banal singers, flooding the market with their dross. No twist of the radio dial will ever offer an escape. This is a dystopian future in which Gavin DeGraw becomes the voice of a generation.
It seemed like a good investment at the time. After all, sometimes you want to microwave like a dozen bowls of soup at once. So you got that walk-in microwave that the salesman sold you on. Then while you were trying to figure out how to set the clock, the installation guy put in a lock ... on the outside.
Now every time you want to heat up a mess of mozzarella sticks, you run the risk that a breeze through your open window's gonna slam the door shut and one of the neighborhood kids will think it's a hoot to fire up the popcorn preset.
Avril Lavigne and Nickelback are the same way. You think, "I just want something cheap and easy that I don't have to think about so much." And you let down your guard. The next thing you know, everything is awash in a dull amber glow and your brain is sizzling down your ear lobes. These two are dangerous enough on their own. But together, they are a musical Superfund site.