Rick Ross, Big-Booty Strippers, and 3,000 Ballers at King of Diamonds in Miami (NSFW)

Photo by Jacob Katel
Look closely ... Every single one of these bills is attached to a length of fishing line. It's a trap!
See also the full 32-photo slideshow from Rick Ross's God Forgives, I Don't Release Party at King of Diamonds.

Question: On a scale from Rick to Ross, just how ridiculously baller was the God Forgives, I Don't album release party at King of Diamonds last night?

Answer: Rick Ross.

While you were waking up early for your Sunday morning paper route, Crossfade was ballin' at the number one urban gentleman's club in the world, where self-made dope boys and entrepreneurs swam through a sea of gaspingly beautiful women like Scrooge McDuck through his gold coins.

You had to watch yourself every time you sat down; the air was so thick with that OG kush that even the furniture had the munchies. Rescue workers are still looking for missing ballers under drifts of dollar bills piled higher than a Bugatti.

RR KOD 1 women in vip.jpg
Photo by Jacob Katel

The women of King of Diamonds have much to teach us. For example, wow. Also, oogedy boogedy ga-oooo-gah.

The most likely things to be on a KOD girl's bottom: eyes, tattoos, sweaty dollar bills. On ours: a broken Frito embedded in the flesh. While we do have an old shoelace we can try to wear as a dress, we just might not have what it takes to be KOD material.

RR KOD china da ass.jpg
Photo by Jacob Katel

This is our new friend, China Da Ass. While she did let us balance a can of Crush orange soda on her backside, we never did get around to finding out how she got that name. Her parents must have really liked the Far East or fancy plates.

Stoners sometimes wonder if our entire universe exists under the fingernail of a giant. Scientists know that our entire universe is contained within the ass of China Da Ass. While that looks like a hallway behind her, that's still more of her ass. Look down at your hands. Wiggle your fingers. They are part of her ass. Once people realize that we are all part of China Da Ass's ass, there will be no more wars. Come on, guys ... We're all in this ass together.

RR KOD liz.jpg
Photo by Jacob Katel

This is the beautiful Liz, who runs KOD. She told us that there were "at least 3,000" people at the club last night. We highly recommend making this strong, intelligent woman your best friend. We're not sure how to do it, but sucking up to her on the New Times website is hopefully a good start.

Location Info


King of Diamonds

17800 NE 5th Ave., Miami, FL

Category: General

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