Rick Ross, Big-Booty Strippers, and 3,000 Ballers at King of Diamonds in Miami (NSFW)

Photo by Jacob Katel

Within this photo are the perfect ensembles for any occasion. From left to right, we have Weekend Day-to-Night, Job Interview, Meeting the Parents, First Date, Black Tie, Garden Casual.

Women of the world: Save your money and some trees by canceling your subscriptions to Vogue and Redbook. No one cares how to get the perfect smokey look on your eyes or this season's hottest new cargo capris. Save this picture to your smartphone and do this, and only this.

Photo by Jacob Katel

Warning: Those prone to seizures should not stare directly at this ass. See, that's the kind of warning that should be on asses. No one listens to us. The guy behind her took one look at that thing and evaporated.

Photo by Jacob Katel

Our club soda with lime did not come with sparklers strapped to it. So we had to order a couple bottles of Cîroc. That's not true. But we did swipe a couple packages of these things from the service bar last night and started today by pretending our bowl of multigrain Puffins cereal cost $800.