Madonna Strips for Dirty Dollar Bills: The MDNA Tour in Miami, November 19

Photo by Sayre Berman

Madonna
The MDNA Tour
With Paul Oakenfold
American Airlines Arena, Miami
Monday, November 19, 2012

Better Than: Looking for Molly with MDNA at Ultra Music Festival.

Three ingeniously slutty decades.

That's how long Madonna has been selling her marvelously meaty ass to the American public. And last night, the newest revamp of her pay-per-view striptease finally slithered and slinked into Miami for a two-night stand.

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-Madonna's Top Ten NSFW Moments
-Madonna at American Airlines Arena: The 25-Photo Slideshow

Photo by Sayre Berman

The evening's undressing began in earnest at 9 p.m. with an enthusiastically tame Top 40 mix from trance superstar Paul Oakenfold. There was lots of interactive handclapping. There was a remix of a cover of "Smells Like Teen Spirit." There was a full hour's worth of predictable arena party fodder, from "Sweet Dreams" to "Kerncraft 400." But still, the fans were sooo thrilled that they actually started ripping off unnecessary articles of clothing.

Photo by Sayre Berman

And shortly after 10 p.m., Madonna's arrival seemed imminent. Her musical director, Kevin, emerged from behind the massive stage curtain of Ms. MDNA's face to announce that these Miami shows were being recorded for an upcoming concert DVD. "Tonight is going to be immortalized," he explained. And the crowd quivered with ooohhhs and aaahhhs.

But then ... She left everyone sitting though a 90-minute intermission, listening to disco standards, Wacko Jacko classics, and choice Justin Timberlake cuts. And soon, the boos were erupting every 10 minutes, cascading down from the bleacher seats and roiling up from the VIPs. Even gangs of pretty dudes in homemade "We Heart MDNA" tees were hissing and spitting.

Photo by Sayre Berman

Waiting 'round in a cone bra ain't easy.

By 11:22, a "Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!" chant broke out. And it started to seem as though this MDNA in MIA thing was slipping irrevocably toward disaster.

However, that's precisely the moment when the Queen of Pop decided to take the stage. Ominous Gregorian chants boomed through the cathedral of MDNA as an urn packed full of incense descended from the heavens, followed by a pack of double-jointed hellbeasts and then Madonna herself.