Madonna Strips for Dirty Dollar Bills: The MDNA Tour in Miami, November 19

Photo by Sayre Berman

Just by stepping onto the stage, Madonna quelled the wild outbreak of bitchiness that'd seized the American Airlines Arena mob for the last half-hour. And in a matter of mere seconds, most of the audience stopped snarling and became her loving little bitches again.

Squeezed into full-body leather, she paraded around a constantly morphing landscape of LED cubes to the tune of the MDNA album's "Girl Gone Wild," leaping off a mini-cliff into the arms of a gay boy sex toy. She vamped, licking the barrel of her .357 Magnum during "Revolver." She staged a "Gang Bang" at the Paradise Motel, blowing the brains outta multiple attackers-slash-lovers, just indiscriminately spraying gore all over the fucking place.

And all her bitches went giddy.

Photo by Sayre Berman

Chained and carried off by post-apocalyptic tribal guerrillas during '80s fave "Papa Don't Preach," Madonna segued into 2005 aerobicise anthem "Hung Up" while learning to walk the tightrope alongside her finely choreographed captors.

She strapped on eight-inch studded heels and a prop guitar for "I Don't Give A." She disappeared during "Best Friend," ceding the stage to shirtless dancers in gas masks who ran through end-of-days S/M routines. And then "Madonna and the Majorettes" paraded out to "Express Yourself" and the high-pitched squeals of her bitches, twirling batons and high stepping in the delightfully filthy style of a sexually experienced drill squad.

Photo by Sayre Berman

Girlishly bouncing to the beat of a marching band rappelling from the rafters and orchestrating her dirty pep brigade, Madonna smirked before dropping a sarcastic sing-song-y Lady Gaga diss, chanting "She's not me! She's not me!" to a snippet of "Born This Way." And the crowd cackled deliriously.

The 54-year-old squad sergeant flipped up her skirt and flashed that meaty ass, coquettishly bending over to pick up some pom-poms with her butt in the crowd's collective face. And yes, lusty catcalls exploded from the gays, straights, and middle-aged alike.

Photo by Sayre Berman

That's when we here at Crossfade finally admitted, "Madonna doesn't suck. And she's still pretty hot."

It was sorta shocking. Because having filed into the AAA about four hours earlier with expectations of witnessing Madonna commit repeated, embarrassing attempts at "coolness" à la her infamous, Molly-dropping Ultra Music Festival cameo, we were entirely without smartass critiques.

Even in the middle of mediocre, drumming-circle renditions of hits like "Open Your Heart," Madonna was still in total command. This lady's a true pop dominatrix.