Justin Bieber, the Murder and Castration Plot: An Extremely Detailed Breakdown

¡Ay Cojones!

Justin Bieber's balls are safe. Phew.

However, Canada's most popular pair of 18-year-old pop nuts came mighty close to soaking in some sick fuck's mason jar full of formaldehyde.

Police say that convicted murderer and rapist Dana Martin hired Mark Staake and his nephew Tanner Ruane, two men he met at Southern New Mexico Correctional Facility in Las Cruces, to castrate and kill the "Baby" singer and his bodyguard following a recently sold-out gig at Madison Square Garden, according to Billboard.

But luckily, police intervened before the would-be assassins got away with Bi-Bi's testes. Check out an extremely detailed breakdown of the murder and castration plot after the cut.

See also:
-Justin Bieber Pukes on Stage!
-Justin Bieber's Sex Tape: An Extremely Detailed Breakdown
-Justin Bieber's Fans Want To Breathe His Farts, Shower In His Vomit

Love at First "Baby"
In 2000, well before Bieber blew up, Martin, a bona fide piece-of-shit individual, raped and murdered a 15-year-old high school sophomore in Vermont circa 2000. After being convicted, the soulless waste of flesh and bones was transported to a prison in Las Cruces "for his own safety," according to Albuquerque's KRQE, where he'd eventually fall in love with Bieber's falsetto.

Naturally, as Southern New Mexico Correctional Facility's biggest Belieber, Martin reaffirmed his passion for the Biebz with a prison tattoo.

However, once Bieber's balls dropped and his voice changed, Marin's favorite pop star was virtually unrecognizable.

All-Time Low
Clearly, Marin skipped that episode of the Brady Bunch where Peter's voice drops a few octaves as his body experience "Changes."

He felt cheated after Bieber stopped sounding like a pre-pubescent tween girl and developed the pipes of a strong, young man.

Naturally, the next logical step for Martin to take was to find an equally demented con whose prison release date coincided with the Northeastern leg of Biber's Believe Tour.

Sponsor Content

My Voice Nation Help

PLEASE HELP!!!I am writing to you out of total desperation. I have purchased tickets to the Justin Beiber concert in Miami this upcoming January. My home was burglarized and the tickets were stolen. I have contacted stubhub to have them reprint the tickets and they told me that they are unable to do so because the owner of the tickets said the vendor (ticketmaster) does not want to reprint the tickets. I have contacted both ticketmaster and American airlines arena and they have informed me that they have plenty of time to reprint the tickets before the concert. I bought these tickets for my granddaughter has her sole and only Christmas gift with a lot of sacrifice and I am heartbroken for her that she will not be able to attend. Please if there is anything you can do to help a 7 y.o. dreams come true. I would appreciate it endlessly. She is his self-proclaimed #1 fan and it would make all her dreams come true to see Justin Beiber. I paid over $1700.00 for these tickets ( I can provide receipts from stubhub and credit card company) and not only does stubhub say that they cant be reprinted (which is not true) but they only want to refund me 50% of what I paid. I think it is unfair and I don’t care for my money back I care to put a smile on my granddaughters face and make her dream come true. Please help me!!

Now Trending

Miami Concert Tickets

From the Vault