Justin Bieber, the Murder and Castration Plot: An Extremely Detailed Breakdown

Mark Staake Mugshot

Hi, I'm Mark
Prison's a great place to meet like-minded friends if, of course, by like-minded you mean bat-shit crazy, dangerous, and murderous. Such was the case for Martin when he met fellow inmate Mark Staake.

We figure that the conversation went something like this:

Martin: Justin Bieber needs to die. Do you know anyone who can strangle him with a paisley pattern necktie?
Staake: Yeah. I'm getting out soon. My nephew and I can do the job.
Martin: Really? That'd be great. Thanks. Would you mind castrating the kid also?
Staake: No, I'd love to.
Martin: Perfect. Before I forget, can you kill a few people in Vermont for me?
Staake: Not a problem. All I need are the names and addresses.
Martin: Wonderful. I'll shoot you a text via carrier pigeon next week. Thanks again.

Green Mountain Jail
The problem with Vermont--or any state, for that matter--is that if there's an outstanding warrant for your arrest and you're picked up by the authorites, you're probably going to jail. Staake can attest.

Police arrested the 41-year-old criminal and his 23-year-old nephew, Tanner Ruane, before either could commit the heinous crime, apprehending both men six-miles from the Canadian border in mid-November.

According to the New York Post, Staake was charged with violating probation and sent to jail. Ruane, however, was released, free to execute the original murder plot.

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