Six Club Drugs to Get You Through the Mayan Apocalypse

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2. Amyl Nitrate
Or you could celebrate/witness/experience the finale of the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar with about a third of your brain cells. At first, we were calling a tie between poppers and their close cousins, nitrous oxide (more commonly known as whip-its) for the contest to see which chemical substance is better/worse (relative to one's perspective) to huff until your eyes cross. Also, amyl nitrate is more of a club drug, whereas nitrous has more to do with jam band festival types and Juggalos.

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1. Cocaine
Cocaine is the clubbiest of club drugs: It's expensive. It's controversial. So it's done in private, which makes it exclusive. The ants marching one by one into the bathroom together draws attention, which completes the shitty social cycle of druggies and prudes pissing each other off. (Hey, isn't this whole Mayan apocalypse about the end of cycles?) In the course of looking, buying, doing, being pressured to share, and the barbaric come down, you will deal with an endless parade of fast-talking dickheads. Or end up a fast-talking dickhead yourself. Furthermore, when the Martians come back for the dolphins and the psilocybin mushrooms (before taking the whole planet out with space bombs), we can't think of a better way to go than with a machine gun shootout and a sand castle filled with blow.

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