New Party Rules for Millennials
Photo by Ian Witlen The stage is THAT way. Jeez.
Millennials, you still do all the drugs and have all the sex, but I have to break it to you -- #realtalk -- you do not know how to party.
And it's bringing me down. Heading over to what's supposed to be the "jam," hosted by 24-year-old "scenesters," I always hope that there won't be finger foods but that the fridge will be so packed with Miller High Life that it won't totally close. But then I get there, and there's artisan, sprouted, gluten-free hummus with homemade organic cheese sticks and vegan crackers for dipping. And no one looks like they're having fun.
Meanwhile, partying with Gen Xers is the best ever. There's never any food beyond a bag of Doritos, an old pizza, or Taco Bell someone grabbed at the end of the night. There are bongs everywhere, but people are dancing, and someone's getting a blowie in the bathroom. There's going to be a fight. Not just skinny straight guys throwing shade but a bloody nose, "bitch, I'ma kill you" fight. There's nothing good to drink, but there's always something to drink. There is a naked guy at the party, and you're probably going to make out with his friend. You will talk to strangers, and there's always good music.
Rip me to shreds in the comments, but someone had to say it. For the millennials who want to party right, here are some new rules for you.
Booze is more important than appetizers.
Yes, you're all foodies. You "do it yourself." So cool. But for fuck's sake, save the gourmet snacks for your next dinner engagement. Parties are for fucking and boozing and breaking shit. Half the millennial festivities have almost no alcohol. And yeah pot'll get you high, and molly'll make you rubby, but booze will make you fun.
BTW, when I was a kid (#old), dinner parties were for parents. Take a page from Iconz's book and "Get Fucked Up."
God, there's nothing more pathetic than a party at 3 a.m., where everyone's in little clusters chatting quietly while some like Bon Iver song drags in the background. Wait! There is something more pathetic! When it's 3 a.m. and 2 Live freaking Crew is on the iPad and no one's moving. Get up and dance. It's a party. I hate you.
See also: Six Reasons to Never Have Sex With a DJ