Eminem and Rihanna's "The Monster": Why This Song Sucks

Categories: Serrano Time

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Photo by Marco Torres

[Editor's Note: In his column Serrano Time, award-winning scribe and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.]

Song: Eminem's "The Monster," featuring Rihanna

History: Eminem did a freestyle battle. He went up against Papa Doc and choked. It was pretty sad. Then some more sad stuff happened to him. But then he did another freestyle battle and, if you can even believe it, he ended up going against Papa Doc again and THIS TIME HE WON BY MAKING PAPA DOC CHOKE. That's a little thing called true justice. After that, Rihanna was like, "Oh my God this dude has mad skills. I need to do a song with him." So they did some pretty good songs together. And then they made "The Monster."

See also: Serrano Time: How I Accidentally Became a Drug Dealer

Atmospherics: Kind of like what the teen section at Nordstrom sounds like. Except teens don't shop at Nordstrom so it's always, like, someone's uncle buying jeans from there. That's what this song sounds like: Someone's uncle trying to buy cool jeans from Nordstrom.

Analysis: Snoozefest. I wish there was a more nuanced, more clever way to say that, but every time I try to think of one my brain jumps clean out of skull and sprints right the fuck down the street. That's not a metaphor or anything. My brain literally grew these tentacle-like things and it was splitskis, bro. It's like Krang from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

krang29.jpg
YouTube screengrab
Krang
Remember him? He was the grossest. HE WAS A FUCKING LIVING, BREATHING BRAIN LIVING INSIDE OF A ROBOT. Gone.

But look:

On 1999's "My Name Is," Eminem's very first single from his very first proper album, back when he was still interesting and had not been hollowed out yet:

Hi, kids!
Do you like violence?
Wanna see me stick nine inch nails through each one of my eyelids?
Wanna copy me and do exactly like I did?
Try 'cid and get fucked up worse than my life is?

That's clever and fun and acerbic and biting and insightful. I can't immediately think of a better opening salvo from a modern American musician.

Here's how Eminem opens 2013's "The Monster," the 93rd single from his 25th album:

I wanted the fame but not the cover of Newsweek
Oh well, guess beggars can't be choosey

SARAH-PALIN-NEwsweek.jpg
1. Newsweek? Bro, that's the most boring shit of all. Remember when Newsweek put Sarah Palin on the cover in jogging shorts? That was them being divisive. Newsweek is like when they show that movie Nerds on AMC and then AMC zooms all the way the fuck in so you can't see any boobs during the panty raid scene.

2. Did you really just say "Oh well," Eminem? In the first verse of a song called "The Monster"? Because, I mean, there just aren't enough sighs.

3. Did you use the word "choosey," rather than "choosers"? Because everyone knows the expression is "beggars can't be choosers." You can't just make up a new expression to rhyme with Newsweek, which you shouldn't even be talking about in the first place.

Let's continue:

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22 comments
Victor Runciman
Victor Runciman

I think that is one of the worst/most disappointing songs on the album.

Justin Kindler
Justin Kindler

Eminem is rhyming with Rhianna not Jay-Z. New Times used to have more in depth articles, not Snarky, Choosy, trolling writers. What did that take to write, 5 min. With a couple thefts from Cracked.com. Yeah I read the Krang column on Cracked last week. At least try and get a different pic.

jgcamp99
jgcamp99

Obviously when you think about the lyrics of any pop song, well there are more important things in life. I actually have a new found appreciation for Katy Perry after "Unconditionally" came out. My Gawd, she was pumping out garbage there. I even thought that the reason why Russell Brand really left her and divorced was the aural pain he had to endure as she was singing those songs. Imagine having to sit thru concert after concert, then going home and making love to that woman after she belted out those as hits on Tour ? I couldn't do it, Brand probably wanted to jab his eardrums with an ice pick ? And that's where this song by Eminem & Rihanna isn't even close to being as bad.

Bethany Romero
Bethany Romero

Tu Madre this writer is a loser, Eminem and that song are awesome. Fuck the New Times, they're the Newsweek of newspapers

Tu Madre
Tu Madre

This shit made me chuckle and think of u Bethany Suarez lol especially the end xo

D.f. Basora
D.f. Basora

Ok the blogger is an ass. But I have to say this song sucks. A weak spot in an otherwise brilliant LP

Danny Cespedes
Danny Cespedes

Wake me up when Kool G Rap, Rakim, KRS and Big Daddy Kane get together and make an album.

Jose Arpajon
Jose Arpajon

@SheaSerrano...this blog is a snoozefest!...@NewTimes, someome please fire this blogger!

Nedal Ahmad
Nedal Ahmad

I guess the writer is a Yeezus fan? So silly.

Tommy Griffith
Tommy Griffith

A krang reference. That there was worth the read.

Ace Greene
Ace Greene

This guy is snarky for no reason. Lol. If beggars can't be choosers, then it makes sense that they can't be choosey. And it doesn't matter that Newsweek isn't "hip," the point was that his "infamy" placed him on the cover of a relatively serious periodical. I think that was the entire point. It wouldn't have had as much impact if he had said he was on the cover of Tiger Beat. LOFL.

Michael Feigin
Michael Feigin

hate the way you lie was awesome, hard to recreate magic ...

Erik Grizzly
Erik Grizzly

Emnem's a long way from the Slim Shady LP, he's not as good anymore, and I personally don't like this song. But it's at the top of the billboard charts and he's still a legend. there's some textbook hating in this article.

Ace Greene
Ace Greene

I'm no Eminem fan but I don't take seriously what bloggers say about things. We're all bloggers.

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