Tell Kanye to Stop Talking for 30 Minutes! And Six Other Requests for 2014

Categories: Serrano Time

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[Editor's Note: In his column Serrano Time, award-winning scribe and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.]

Dear 2013,

Oh, man. So you're officially over. That's kind of sad. You were mostly a very dope year -- at least for me, anyway, and truth be told, that's all I really care about because I am selfish and I guess I'm sorry about that. I'll try to be more empathetic in 2014. (The 2014 Empathy Campaign will be largely unsuccessful, of this I am sure.)

See also: Six New Year's 2014 Resolutions for Miami's Club Scene

2013, Do you remember Chance The Rapper's Acid Rap? That was such a great tape. It might've been the best tape of you, depending on when you happen to ask me. I watched Chance perform live twice. He was superentertaining. I like him a lot. Actually, I just saw that he's on the cover of the new Source. That's so wonderful. He seems so nice. I wonder how he felt about the picture they used, though. It kind of made me wish that someone sometime a while back had invented shoes for eyeballs because when my eyeballs saw the cover they jumped out of my skull and ran right the fuck down the block. I didn't like it that much.

Ooooh, and do you remember Run The Jewels? That was also such a great tape. It was definitely the best tape of the year among all tapes that mentions dolphin rape, which is not a thing that I even knew happened. I remember I tried to search "dolphin rape" in Google but left off the E and ended up nervously watching a video on YouTube called "Dolphin - RAP" that I thought was actually "Dolphin - RAPE."

"Dolphin - RAP" is a video that's just rapping in a language that I'm not familiar with (though I'm nearly certain that the person rapping is white, if that helps). There were exactly zero dolphins raped in that video. When I watched it, I was like, "Man, what the fuck? What's up with the lack of dolphin rape in this dolphin rape video?" I WAS ACTUALLY DISAPPOINTED THAT I DIDN'T GET TO SEE IT. In hindsight, I suppose I'm surprised by my ambivalence towards marine animal sex crimes.

Ooooh, also, do you remember Tyler's Wolf? That album was extra player too. I was really surprised at how few people and places listed it among their Best Rap Album lists. I'm a big fan of Tyler. I don't care much for the criticisms aimed at his personality (or persona -- whatever). I don't know who it was who said that art needn't be moral, but that's a dude I agree with.

I suppose that's why I DL-ed R. Kelly's album the instant it came out, though if you don't mind, I'd like to gloss right over the defiling of my spirit no doubt triggered by my enjoyment of the music of a man who has so very clearly destroyed the lives of numerous young women. Sorry for that, 2013. Sorry to you too, God and to my mom and to all women and all men, probably. :/

Oh, also, bro, 2013, if it's not too much of a hassle, could you do a few things for me when you become 2014? Could you please:


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1 comments
DRAKEMALLARD.0
DRAKEMALLARD.0 topcommenter

Kanye= gayfish




Being spoiled and stupid and whorish is supposed to be a bad thing, remember? Parents, if you don't teach your children that people like kim kardashian are supposed to be despised, where are they gonna learn it? You have to be the- [feels something in his stomach]  You have to be the ones to make sure your daughters aren't looking up to the wrong people.she IS a TERRIBLE role model for girls! Sex, greed, shamelessness, immorality, materialism...these are just a few of the things she and her family represent




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