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Khia

It was exactly ten years ago yesterday that cunnilingus got its very own theme song.

On April 2, 2002, Tampa stripper-turned-rapper Khia released her would-be hit, "My Neck, My Back (Lick It)," a three minute and 42-second long tribute to the orally-induced female orgasm.

Today however, it's not Khia's neck, back, pussy, or crack that's making headlines, rather the 41-year-old Thug Misses' "dinner" plate-size nipples.

According to Media Takeout, "1990s rapper Khia" has leaked a "nekkid" picture of herself. Check out the NSFW photo after the cut.

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Jem is excitement!

​For any kid who grew up in the '80s, it wasn't about the content of character. It was about the size of Transformer.

After school and Saturday mornings, masses of children spent hour after hour parked in front of turn-knob television screens, adjusting rabbit ears, dying to hear the first notes of their favorite cartoon theme songs come blasting through tiny speakers.

Prior generations had The Beatles, Buddy Holly, and Elvis. But for the children of the Decade of Decadence, the most important songs were the ones that evoked tales of musclebound hero cats or crime-fighting chipmunks.

In memory of a lost childhood, here are ten total tubular '80s cartoon theme songs.

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​Roach Motel
What the Hell, It's Roach Motel
(Destroy Records)
myspace.com/roachmotelrules

Take the Dead Kennedys' linguistically progressive rants, the social critique via saxophones of CH3, water it down with the mind-altering misused politics of Minor Threat, add a half-cup's worth of the youthfulness of Youth Brigade, and mix in a handful of Quaaludes.
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​The Antiques
Simply Antique
(Funny Records)
The Antiques' website

I am not going to sit here and claim to know every goddamned thing about Florida's proud musical tradition. A good case in point was one of the earliest Blast From the Past columns that I performed for these digital pages on Coke. 

And by "perform" I mean the quasi-obsessive ritual that I've been wrapped up in for the past twenty years, ever since I became a citizen of this peninsula, carefully balancing my Hispanic and Arab origins with my burgeoning punk rock/hardcore and jazz/Bossa Nova leanings.
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​Drug Czars
On Venus
(Fruit Bat Entertainment)
myspace.com/drugczars

Last time we looked at the Drug Czars, we drew little lines separating the old from the new and identified these guys as potential line-blurrers. And keeping in the tradition of skipping around in artist's catalogues, we'll be looking at their last released effort, the On Venus EP.
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We want BLOOD!

​Load Lumberjack Death Luge
(Ballad of Son of Crusher) Seven-Inch
(House O'Pain Records)

I have purposely left Load out of the rotation for a bit now since I started these Blasts From the Past slightly over a year ago.

Call it professional payback for Bobby Load never remembering meeting me back in the mid '90s. Call it Tucci's guitar or Sousa's (or is it Xousa's) bass or Figueredo's drums. I don't fucking know. I don't know shit. I never did. I never will.

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​The Crumbs
I Fell in Love With An Alien Girl 7"
(Recess Records)
recessrecords.com

Admittedly, I had some grandiose ideas for this Blast From the Past. But now that I am thick in the drink and have spent the better part of the last hour grinding my needle into the beautiful marble-grey grooves of this delicious seven-inch, I can honestly say that I do not care to try and achieve some bullshit diatribe about South Florida's punk rock scene.
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​D.T. Martyrs
Narcotics in the Carport
(Jeterboy Records & Tapes)
D.T. Martyrs website

To avoid confusion, you should now that the delirium tremens ceased at some point and the D.T. Martyrs simply became the Martyrs. And while the shortening of the name was the band's call, forgive me if I wantonly switch back and forth between the two monikers. Not that it matters much because Mr. Ian "Rusty" Hammond was always the one true martyr.
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​Amazing Grace
Entities
(Self-released)
myspace.com/amazinggraceofficial

Amazing Grace is a band that I know more about through research and word-of-mouth than I do from personal interaction.

Reputedly, these guys were the kings of South Florida's punk rock scene in the sense that they pretty much nailed every groupie in town and opened up for bigger punk acts who dared to venture this far south. And adding to the mystique, they were one of a handful of bands who actually released a full-length effort in an era dominated by the seven-inch EP.
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​The Chant Two Car Mirage
(Safety Net Records)
The Chant's Facebook page

It is no secret that I usually do these things backwards, starting with third and second releases before tackling debuts. But there's a reason for that approach: I usually do it by matter of personal acquisition. Hence why I'll be starting with the Chant's sophomore effort, 1989's Two Car Mirage, which was I picked up on vinyl before any of the band's other releases. And while I can't say that I was there when these guys were kicking up their racket, I do know this: In about two weeks, they will be performing their first live show in 15 years at their beloved Star Bar in Atlanta. What a treat. Enjoy it, Georgia.

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