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​Every once in awhile Mother Nature fucks up real bad and rolls a poor three-faced freak off the reproductive assembly line. We've all seen kittens and piglets and even human babies with five eyes, two and a half mouths, and one kaleidoscopically malformed nose. Back in the dark ages, these anomalies of the animal kingdom were the unholy products of curses cast by satanic cults and evil covens. In modern day America, they're generally considered the mutant offspring of a poisoned environment.

But there's another theory ... What if Roofless Records and all those other mad scientists involved with monthly freakfest Strange Days have been quietly toiling away in a shady, underground genetics lab, manufacturing Mother Nature's next batch of biologically distorted hellspawn? Sure, it sounds paranoid, illogical, and outright delusional. But Dr. Moreau seemed pretty cool at first, too. Didn't he?More »

A freaky flyer by local genius Jay Hines

​Hey ... Can you hear that rumbling, squawking, searing sound that seems to be emanating from Scotland's west central lowlands? Is it getting closer and closer and closer? Is this freaking you out, too? Blame Glaswegian noise duo Janin and Charles of Blue Sabbath Black Fiji.

Earlier this month J & C kicked off a 24-day U.S. tour -- Chicago to Pittsburgh to NYC and beyond -- that will be bringing them to Churchill's next Wednesday for a Laundry Room Squelchers and Roofless Records collabo show called A Midsummer Noise Dream. Expect BSBF's jagged synthy scattershot assault with backup from the Squelchers, Hollywood skronk king Kenny Millions, power electronicist Rauh (Shitstorm, Mehkago N.T., and Heartstrings alum), and the Nags Head noise project by Miami mindbender Jay Hines. It's a night almost guaranteed to erase your brain and blow your eardrums.

So, show up and skitter around the place. The sounds will rumble, squawk, and sear. Plus, you might shit your pants ... You know, in a good way.

Thursday, June 24. Churchill's Pub, 5501 NE 2nd Ave., Miami. Show starts at 9 p.m., and it costs $3. rooflessrex.com

​Nothing's ever been quite as intriguing to me as a clown. I think it has something to do with the eerie looks a lot of them give while performing, and their faces disguised in white makeup. So when I came across this flyer announcing local Circus Artists performing at recently opened club O1 (formerly Pearl,on the second floor of Nikki Beach) on Saturday, I had to take a closer look.

CircX is said to combine raving inter-actors with dancers, corporeal mime, European clowning, street theater and burlesque. Will they be dangling from the ceiling? Blowing fire? Is the flyer merely a prediction of the troupe being submersed in water? So many questions pop up upon just looking at the above image. They look like some sort of mime/clown hybrid, and I'd be curious to see how the Cirque du Soleil-inspired performers take on the O1 space.

For more information or to RSVP for free entry, email: RSVP@VitaminCComm.com

​A conundrum: What kind of sound would a morbidly obese, four-titted, screaming Cyclops make while being probed by multicolored psychic lamprey? Hmm ... That's a mind-bender so deep and twisty it could put you into a permanent coma, turning certain centers of your brain into scorched-out pudding.

Thankfully, the New Times just got a tip that three sludge-y monsters of precisely that description will be slithering into Sweat Records a couple of Saturdays from now.

First up, there's Miami offspring Green Sky, a many-boobed beast prone to prolonged moments of dirge-y southern swampiness. Next, you've got serpentine Orlando screecher Bad Actor, travelling through the man-made shit canals of Central Florida for this aural orgy. And last, Nebraska Sun and the Mexican Rebel, a crossbreed who claims to be "heavier than the cock of god."

So, be there May 22, 'cause it'll probably be another millennium before you get the chance to actually hear a one-eyed freak having its soul assaulted by metaphysical serpents.

Saturday, May 22. Sweat Records, 5505 NE 2nd Ave., Miami. The screaming starts at 9 p.m., and admission costs $3. 786-693-9309; sweatrecordsmiami.com.

Design by Chelly

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After another shitty day at a shitty job in a shitty city, I decided to relax by listening to an old LP of sci-fi movie sound effects and watching shadows on my bedroom walls while blitzed on acid. At the time, this seemed like the best way to spend the remaining eight hours till sunrise. I was wrong. It was a very bad idea.

Within minutes, the walls went liquid and gave birth to giant six-foot ants with mouths dripping some kind of dark, sticky stuff. I figured they wanted to eat me. I screamed, the ants laughed, and a standoff ensued as cheap noise and theremin music filled the background. Eventually, the ants got bored. They broke my record, tuned the TV to reruns of the 1980s sitcom Small Wonder, and sat there in shadowy silence, salivating gallons of dark, sticky stuff.

Minutes before morning, the ants turned to me and revealed that they were robots. I screamed. They laughed. And it was time for work again.

Destroyio Records presents New Age, Hardware Youth, Enough!, Askultura, and more. Friday, April 16. Churchill's, 5501 NE 2nd Ave., Miami. Doors open at 9 p.m., and there's a $5 cover. 305-757-1807; churchillspub.com.

Destroyio Records presents the Baker Acted CD-Release Party with the Ticks, Consular, Enough!, Guerrilleros de Nadie, Prostitots, and more. Friday, April 29. Churchill's, 5501 NE 2nd Ave., Miami. Doors open at 9 p.m., and there's a $5 cover. 305-757-1807; churchillspub.com.

Skinnydipping after dark with a few longhair BFFs is one of the best ways to spend a springtime Friday night. The water's green, the sky's green, and there's no discernible horizon. It's cold, but not that cold. And the wind whistles like music while puffy, cartoon-ish letters float through the emerald darkness, spelling out secret messages.

Now, the second best way to spend a springtime Friday night is attending a random warehouse party, like tonight's Desorden thing. You shouldn't expect nudie swimming (unless someone rents a hot tub or brings the kiddie pool), but there'll be plenty of very friendly longhairs. Local wind-whistlers Ice Cream are set to lead it all with help from Flower Flower, Grey Eights, Sergio Pineda, Milk Spot, and Charlie Astro. Plus, Roy of Ice Cream just started a Facebook campaign for a keg. So c'mon ... Pitch in! Get ripped! Skinnydip?

Friday, March 19. El Warehouse, NE 2nd Avenue and NE 65th Street, Miami. The show starts at 8:30 p.m., and it's totally free.

​Usually we save the "Flyer of the Week" accolades for Friday, but here's a last-minute entry that we have to share before it becomes null and void. We give you the yellow-and-black job heralding, uh, "a new kind of playas ball" at Sweat on Wednesday. Back in the days of actual photocopied flyers, designers had to rely on this kind of black - and - negative - space thing for legibility and contrast. In these days of Photoshop and Facebook invites, that kind of design is just a nostalgia trip.

​Everyone's dreamt about discovering a drippingly delicious pizza planet. But only Orlando's Yip Yip had the courage to cross the cosmos in pursuit of pepperoni.

​As bored young professionals with a median age of 28, we here at Crossfade spend our days online and our nights in the club. While it's light outside, we Twitter, blog, and stalk former sex partners on Facebook. Then, as soon as the sun goes down, we drink too much, dance too hard, and laugh too loud while ogling pretty strangers of every gender.