​Sweet Jesus, why would anyone want to set sail aboard a cruise ship and party with a bunch of hipsters this weekend when there are so many great tiki-tiki parties on South Beach?

Just kidding. We'd much rather be aboard the Carnival Imagination for the second annual Bruise Cruise than landlocked in our cubicle.

But such is life. And we'll make the best of it. Join Crossfade this weekend at one of the following gnarly South Beach club parties.
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​Holy time-lapse! Where'd January go?

February seemingly came out nowhere and that silly little groundhog's predicting another six weeks of winter. This has been a really crazy week. Oh, and happy Black History Month.

Plenty of gnarly shit's going down this weekend en la playa. And per usual, Crossfade's wrangled-up some of our favorite events. Whether you're into "tiki-tiki" music, as Miami girls say, or smoking blunts because joints are "pussy shit," we've got you covered.

Check out our list of the best club parties on South Beach.
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​Yes, King of Diamonds stripper Tip Drill has been experimenting with politics lately, crashing MSNBC talk show Morning Joe on Monday and then helping New Times analyze the Florida Republican Primary.

But tonight, Ms. Drill will return to her true area of expertise, putting aside a possible presidential bid to judge a fully-clothed, $1500 exotic dancing competition at South Beach's Cameo, alongside fellow KOD pole-a-tician Blac Chyna.
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​Have y'all gotten a head start on this year's tax return by filing early? How much money are you getting back? Got enough cash to pop bottles with The Boss and party with "The Big Bad Wolf"?

Check out Crossfade's guide to this weekend's best parties on South Beach. Whether you're celebrating Rick Ross's birthday or Arkadia's one-year anniversary, there are plenty of events going down between today and Sunday. Here are our top nine picks.
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​No genre has been more ripped off, watered down, and straight-up bastardized than techno.

To the lay person, say, a classic rock aficionado or maybe a jazz head, the mere mention of this Detroit-bred electronic music genre (and really, less a stable conventional "genre" and more an unwieldy collection of variants, everything from minimal to psytrance) invokes the thought of greasy Guidos slithering up and down Washington Avenue, fists-pumping like soldiers drunkenly marching in a parade of shame.

But what the skeptics may not realize is that e-music isn't all Jersey Shore, LMFAO, and Ultra Music Festival.
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​The world's formal introduction to Clifford Smith -- then, now, and forever known as Method Man, the Wu-Tang Clan's most ruthless and bloodthirsty assassin-slash-MC -- came via an intense spoken-word skit on the Clan's 1993 debut, Enter The Wu-Tang (36 Chambers).

Before launching into his signature, eponymous track, "Method Man," (the only cut on 36 Chambers named after one of the group's MCs), Meth treats the listener to an extended, buffet-like rundown of ridiculously gruesome torture techniques.

This highly scatalogical list of, ahem, methods, includes burning anuses with a hot wire-hanger, slamming nuts in a dresser, and sewing butt-cheeks shut.
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Photo by George Martinez

​Wanna know how Crossfade spent the weekend?

Well, we met the Mau5 at Mansion on Friday, ogled "a half-naked girl covered in fake diamonds," didn't do drugs, partied till morning, and then went back the next night for another shot of sweaty club rats, bottle service, electro-house tuneage, totally involuntary sobriety, and strange encounters with severe dominatrix go-go dancer mice women.

Just see below for ten NSFW pics of Deadmau5 groupies at Mansion Miami's reopening party.
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It's your birthday, Rozay. Don't hustle too hard.

​Say "Happy B-Day!" to The Boss.

On Saturday, January 28, 2012, Miami rapper, superhefty hustler, and Maybach Music impresario Rick Ross (born William Leonard Roberts II) turns 36 motherfuckin' years old.

We imagine the Big Man intends to celebrate the day of his birth by waking up late to count some cash, kiss his favorite bitch, and then eat a stack of hotcakes with a lil' bacon before smoking a big, fat post-meal birthday blunt.
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Photo by Tomas Loewy

​Deadmau5's Unhoooked
Mansion Reopening Party
Friday, January 20, 2012

Better Than: A late-night with Tiësticle.

After ten days of all work and no play, Mansion swung out its doors to the public, kicking off a two-night reopening event to flaunt the new, sexy Mansion 360 setup with Deadmau5, one of the biggest names in house music.
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​When Mansion suddenly and mysteriously revealed that it was "CLOSED," were you among the SoBe clubbers wracked with shock ("What?!?!"), anger ("WTF? So pissed"), and sadness ("Mansion will be missed!") over the unexpected extinction of your favorite glossy party spot?

Then you must've been superstoked when the Opium Group megaclub finally came clean a couple of days later, admitted the whole thing was just a fancy facelift, and even announced a two-night reopening party with Deadmau5.

Well, here's another reason to dance: Crossfade, Mansion, and the Mau5 have hooked up a pair of free tickets for both Friday and Saturday's comeback bashes. Just see the cut for contest instructions.
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