Pitbull and Ke$ha's "Timber": Why This Video Sucks

Categories: Serrano Time

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[Editor's Note: In his column Serrano Time, award-winning scribe and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.]

Right now, Pitbull's "Timber," featuring Ke$ha, is number two on Billboard and number one on my GTFOH chart. I don't remember the first time I heard this song -- it seems like I've heard it every day since I was 12 years old -- but I do remember when I decided I hated it (the first time I heard it).

Perhaps I was being too dismissive, given that the video has more than 50,000,000 views, though I have to assume many watched sarcastically and with hatred in the watcher's heart. Nonetheless, I decided to watch it, hoping that it would change how I felt about the song, or at least make it less likely that when it came on the radio I'd drive my car off a cliff.

Alas, that did not happen.

See also: Tell Kanye to Stop Talking for 30 Minutes! And Six Other Requests for 2014

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Tell Kanye to Stop Talking for 30 Minutes! And Six Other Requests for 2014

Categories: Serrano Time

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[Editor's Note: In his column Serrano Time, award-winning scribe and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.]

Dear 2013,

Oh, man. So you're officially over. That's kind of sad. You were mostly a very dope year -- at least for me, anyway, and truth be told, that's all I really care about because I am selfish and I guess I'm sorry about that. I'll try to be more empathetic in 2014. (The 2014 Empathy Campaign will be largely unsuccessful, of this I am sure.)

See also: Six New Year's 2014 Resolutions for Miami's Club Scene

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Kanye West Quiz! With Funny Illustrated Clues!

Categories: Serrano Time

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[Editor's Note: In his column Serrano Time, award-winning scribe and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.]

This game is very simple: Look at the pictures and guess what Kanye West song each one represents. Boom. That's it. That's all. You're done. That's a little thing called respecting your time. That's a little thing called sometimes Christopher Nolan works a little too hard. I'm saying, because I watched Inception on TNT the other day and I had no idea what the fuck was going on. I spent the whole movie making the same face that you make when you can't remember what you changed your email password to. Fuck you, password.

Click the link underneath each picture to get the answer. Kanye may be insufferable but he's also the tits.

See also: Eminem and Rihanna's "The Monster": Why This Song Sucks

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Eminem and Rihanna's "The Monster": Why This Song Sucks

Categories: Serrano Time

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Photo by Marco Torres

[Editor's Note: In his column Serrano Time, award-winning scribe and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.]

Song: Eminem's "The Monster," featuring Rihanna

History: Eminem did a freestyle battle. He went up against Papa Doc and choked. It was pretty sad. Then some more sad stuff happened to him. But then he did another freestyle battle and, if you can even believe it, he ended up going against Papa Doc again and THIS TIME HE WON BY MAKING PAPA DOC CHOKE. That's a little thing called true justice. After that, Rihanna was like, "Oh my God this dude has mad skills. I need to do a song with him." So they did some pretty good songs together. And then they made "The Monster."

See also: Serrano Time: How I Accidentally Became a Drug Dealer


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R. Kelly's Black Panties, Reviewed in Baby Animal GIFs

Categories: Serrano Time

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[Editor's Note: In his column Serrano Time, award-winning scribe and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.]

Here's what you need to know about Robert Sylvester Kelly: He's the fucking best.

At singing. At wearing masks. At making videos of himself having sex. All of it. And so of course his new album, Black Panties, does amazing things. There's one part where he says he wants to make crazy faces in the mirror just because it's fun, and on a different part he says he's going to marry a pussy because it's an extra special pussy. See, he knows that if he gets bored with that pussy then the pussy he married will bring him another pussy to join them. That's a little thing called true love.

Originally, the plan was to review Black Panties using GIFs that captured each song's essence. But that would have required using anime pornography, which wasn't appropriate for this, um, family blog. So I decided on the exact opposite: ADORABLE BABY ANIMAL GIFs!

See also: How I Accidentally Became a Drug Dealer

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How I Accidentally Became a Drug Dealer

Categories: Serrano Time

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Courtesy of Universal
Sheaface.

[Editor's Note: In his column Serrano Time, award-winning scribe and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.]

The biggest concern in my life recently is that every show on my DVR is the regular definition version, rather than the high definition version. As you can see, things have almost always been nice and easy for me. Which is why, as you might imagine, it was strange when I accidentally became a drug dealer in college.

It went like this: My college, located in Huntsville, Texas, had a billiards club, which I'm just now realizing is incredibly nerdy. I'd begun playing a lot of in high school, but in college I flourished. My brain just understood what was supposed to happen without anyone having to explain it to me. And so it became ALL that I did, for like two years straight. Gambling was a natural extension of that.

See also: Katy Perry's "Roar": Why This Song Sucks

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LOL at This Angry Letter From a "Directioner"

Categories: Serrano Time

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One Direction

[Editor's Note: In his column Serrano Time, award-winning scribe and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.]

Last week, I wrote about why One Direction's "This Is My Story" sucks.

Usually, whenever one of these pieces goes up (and they go up often), I get a handful of tweets or emails letting me know that (A) I am a faggot, or (B) I should go F myself. Occasionally, when someone has been especially offended, they'll even combine the two, which is truly inspired.

Following the One Direction post, however, I received something particularly special: A letter from "Dedicated Directioner" Ellen. I was a taken aback because there were no curse words and she didn't even accuse me of having placed things inside my butthole.

It was, however, unintentionally hilarious. Which is why I drew some pictures to make sense of the whole situation.

See also: One Direction's "Story Of My Life": Why This Song Sucks

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One Direction's "Story Of My Life": Why This Song Sucks

Categories: Serrano Time

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Courtesy of Columbia/Syco
Zayn and the crew

[Editor's Note: In his column Serrano Time, award-winning writer and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.]

Song: One Direction's "Story Of My Life"

History: A long time ago there were barber shop quartets and then after that the New Kids On The Block, and more recently five UK dudes were like, "We're One Direction" and they were a hit.

Atmospherics: Like the boys are suddenly really into Mumford & Sons. Or like they're starting their own nondenominational church.

See also: Katy Perry's "Roar": Why This Song Sucks

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Katy Perry's "Roar": Why This Song Sucks

Categories: Serrano Time

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[Editor's Note: In his new column, Serrano Time, award-winning goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times. Better put on your shoes, because your socks are about to be blown off.]

History: Katy Perry was born in 1984, except back then people called her "Katy Hudson" because that's her real name. In 2001, she was like, "You know what? I'm gonna release a Christian album," so that's what she did. It flopped.

Then she was like, "You know what? God can't take me to the top, bro, but I know what can," and so she changed her name to Katy Perry and swapped out our Lord and Savior for a bra that squirts out whipped cream. She's since sold approximately 10 million albums. "Roar" comes from her new album, Prism. It's not that great, but since she's not talking about Jesus Christ, it was able to top the charts. Pretty cool world. Here's why it sucks.

See also: Eight Reasons EDM Is Sexist

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Six Girls I Dated and Why We Broke Up

Categories: Serrano Time

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Via flickr.com/suzijane
Not me and not someone I dated, but it may as well have been.

[Editor's Note: In his new column, Serrano Time, award-winning goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times. Better put on your shoes because your socks are about to be blown off.]

I went running the other morning. I used to run all the time. I was in shape, and had a six-pack for a week. I then threw all of my shirts in the trash, which was not that smart.

Alas, now I'm sloppy and unhealthy. The buttons on my pants are always angry. So that's why I went running, and while I was doing so, Dustin-Prestige's album Dharma cycled on. The tape, which is very good, focuses on the dissolution of a relationship. It also got me thinking about about some of my own relationships that have withered away. So here they are: Six failed relationships.

See also: The Bonkers TLC Movie: A Brief Rundown

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