Paris Hilton's EDM Vomit "Come Alive": Why This Song Sucks Worse Than Anything Ever

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Courtesy of UMG/Cash Money

We want to start by reminding you that Paris Hilton is 33.

If, at that age, we are prancing around a sound green-screen stage dressed like a my-size Barbie princess doll, please, don't hesitate to shoot us. No adult woman should be stuck in such a stunted hell.

That she looks magically shiny at 33 is also a lie. And so is this new music video for "Come Alive," her latest foray into the commercial free-for-all that is EDM. Her image is as organic as the synthetic beat, and we'd bet money that Paris' voice was run through the ringer too.

See also: DJ Paris Hilton Signs to Cash Money: Five Reasons Her "House Album" Will Suck Balls

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EDM's Five Biggest Hacks

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We like Hardwell as a person, but we think he might be a robot built by marketers to make them money.

What makes someone a hack? A hack purports to be something he's not. It's a person who holds himself above others on false grounds. The entertainment industry is full of them, and tons of people get into the music industry for the wrong reasons.

We can't help ourselves from feeling that a highly paid musician should probably, we don't know, give a shit. If you just want to be an entertainer, that's cool, just say so. Afrojack said he just wants to be a pop star. And he is! That's being upfront with yourself and others. But there are tons of people in this game who just suck. They're in it for ego. They may or may not actually contribute anything but a face.

Here are EDM's five biggest hacks.

See also: Eight Signs You're Not VIP

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Ten Worst Celebrity Rappers

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The sparkly vampire wants to spit.

It's usually weird when actors spit rhymes, but it's even weirder when you find out the sparkly vampire hunk from Twilight wants to be a rapper named "Big Tub."

That's the truth Robert Pattinson revealed on the couch with Seth Meyers on Late Night. The poor kid was self-conscious about his weight (that's not a problem anymore, honey), and he used to record his songs with hoodie zipper effects in lieu of actual record scratching.

That is probably the cutest and saddest thing we've ever heard, but it got us thinking about all the other cute and sad celebrity rap careers failures through the years. Let's reminisce together.

See Also: Ten Softest Rappers in the Game

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Ten Softest Rappers in the Game

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Photo by Matt Barnes/Universal Music Group
Azealia Banks would be a really cool chick if she wasn't such a shit human being.

The mainstream rap game is servin' up so many soft rappers, we should stop calling them MCs and start calling them TCBYs.

Have you listened to the hip-hop charts lately? It's like a damn 16-year-old girl's mix tape in this mess. Someone must have let the dogs out, because all we see in the streets is bitches.

Now, that's not to say the music is all bad. We kind of like some of this soft shit. But this is hip-hop, and softies are always trying to act like they're harder than they really are. It's time to keep it real and call these spades hoes or whatever.

See Also: Five Reasons Today's Rappers Are Fakes

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Five Signs You Might Be a Shitty Drummer

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Drummers are a completely different breed of humanoid.

We here at Crossfade believe that a solid drummer is the key ingredient to any good band -- the very catalyst that emulsifies the piss and vinegar of rock 'n roll into something tangible -- and we love you for this reason alone. However, there really is a lot of truth in the stereotype that the more off-kilter the human, the better the drummer.

For example, let's look at the archetypical class of British drummers: John Bonham, Keith Moon, and Ginger Baker. A trio of positively certifiable rabble rousers, all with legendary appetites for adventure rivaled only by their equally legendary demons. All mythically gifted players that were as important to the sounds of their respective groups as the golden gods that fronted them. Listen to "Moby Dick," any of the cuts from Live at Leeds, or watch the documentary Beware of Mr. Baker for the proof.

Odds are you are not an earth-shaking master of the skins the calibre of the aforementioned lunatics. However, there are steps you can take to avoid being a shitty drummer, you know...beyond just learning to play well and controlling your maniacal tendencies. Here are five signs you might be a shitty drummer and need to reevaluate things.

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Five Worst EDM Gimmicks

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Photo by: George Martinez
This guy thinks your hardstyle build into that "epic" drop would sounds better with Pryda Snare and squeaky bed springs.

Remember when you used to spend all day playing arcade fighting games against your friends, and you had that one buddy who just kept pressing the same attack button, over and over, leaving you no time to gather your thoughts and use your actual skills? That shit was cheap as hell, and it really pissed you off, right?

Well, electronic dance music producers are doing the same damn thing in the studio. They're using the same tired-ass tricks and buttons and filters and drops, and they're getting away with it. They're hitting the same mine as someone else, because they heard that producer struck gold, and they want to make you jump up and down, but they don't want to earn it.

See Also: Five Signs You Might Be a Shitty DJ

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Eight Signs You're Not VIP

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Photo by Lex Hernandez

Everyone wants to feel special and loved, but not everyone is a Very Important Person.

Of course, if VIP is really about anything at all, it's money and status and exclusivity. A person cannot be "very important" unless there are "less important" people at which to snicker and point from the bottle-service enclosure at a South Beach megaclub.

So where do we all fit in? Well, here are eight signs you're not VIP. Sorry to kill the vibe.

See Also: The Six People You Meet on South Beach

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Six Worst Pop Star Siblings to Ever Suck

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Take a "Journey" with Jamie Lynn Spears.

Some people become famous because they are incredible talents discovered at a young age. Others become famous because their parents treat the womb like a star factory.

Hey, if you push enough kids into the spotlight, one of them is gonna have a hit. But when one kid becomes a world-famous celebrity, the rest feel left out.

No worries! If you have enough money, your less-worthy sibling can have a year or two of being "on the list" at really cool parties. And for that shining moment, they don't need anyone to hold their hand.

See also: Ten Drug-Addicted Pop Stars

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Miley Cyrus Covers The Smiths: An Extremely Detailed Breakdown

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Photo by: Sayre Berman
Behind the wagging tongue and bouncy blonde hair is the unfathomable sadness of a soul desperate for love.

Miley Cyrus and Morrissey are basically the same person. One is a lyrical genius shrouded in sexual mystery who speaks on behalf of intellectualism, animal rights, and sordid youths, defying borders and generations. The other is famous for a butt that resembles uncooked turkeys, being naked, and sticking her tongue out.

When Morrissey was 23, he was "celibate." When Miley puts on a Michael Jordan jersey, she's rumored to have sex with Mike Will Made It. They both have signature hair styles. They both have rabid fan bases. They both love to annoy the opposition.

The likeness is striking. And now they both given it their all on stage, singing "There Is a Light That Never Goes Out."

See Also: "Twerking," "Dubstep," and Other Dumb Music Words in the Dictionary

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Rap and R&B's Worst '90s Ripoffs

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The '90s are back! The fashions, the music, the attitude. There are more people Rollerblading by the beach than we've seen in about 25 years. (Wow, it's been too long!)

Now, we couldn't be more excited about the return of the most bleakly apathetic decade in pop culture. But along with the return of flannels and overalls, acid wash and jelly shoes, modern rap and R&B are rehashing a bunch of classic '90s anthems.

Sometimes, we can dig it. Sometimes, it feels like blasphemy. Sometimes, it's so mind-bendingly stupid, we just can't understand who OK-ed the hook. Here are the bad, the worst, and the totally what-were-they-thinking.

See also: Five Signs You Might Be a Shitty Rapper

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