The Six Ravers You Meet on EDM-Date.com

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Photo by: Ian Witlen
Disclaimer: We chose these pictures at random from our archives, and they don't actually portray registered EDM-Date users.
You know that feel when you're at the rave get-down all by yourself and everyone around you has a spirit-hooded cuddle buddy? Big room drops just aren't the same without someone to love, but never fear, edm-date.com is here!

The sweet kandi gods of love did smile upon thee with this dating website designed to bring you closer to your "Clarity," your "Cinema," your perfect raver dreamboat. Whether you're looking for a man or a woman, a straight, a gay, a curious, a trance family member, a dubstep diva or even a hopeful producer wanna-be, edm-date.com can make your beat match happen, no train wrecks allowed.

Just don't search for a male ages 25 to 35 in Florida interested in "blog house." No such user exists.


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Ten Best Songs for Getting Drunk, According to Miami Boozers

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Photo by Laurie Charles
When Casey Quaife is heavily intoxicated, all he needs is some GNR therapy.

Hipsters rockin' body suits, high-waist shorts, and large, dark-framed glasses, mid-aged men in fedora hats, rockers with tattoos up and down their arms, and tourists from California wearing white wife-beaters on their backs and Converse on their feet were sitting on a black couch and standing by the bar at Kill Your Idol with a statue of Bruce Lee staring at them.

It was karaoke night at the SoBe hot spot and the overly zealous, inebriated crowd was cheering on those who had enough liquid courage in their system (or natural talent?) to get on stage, grab the mike, and scream sing at the top of their lungs.

Although it may sound like a horrible idea while sober, once you've had several brewskies, your filter of shame loosens and things that seemed embarrassing become insightful discoveries, especially when accompanied by the right music.

Here are the ten best songs to get drunk to, according to Miami drunkies.

See also:
-Miami's Ten Favorite Karaoke Songs


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Five Reasons Will.i.am Is the Most Embarrassing Pop Star of Our Generation

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Will.i.am is one of the world's most popular musicians, which is very strange considering he's also one of the worst pop stars on the planet.

What do we mean by "worst?" Well, he continually proves himself to be an untalented, unintelligible hack. His lyric writing abilities -- as showcased on chart-topping Black Eyed Peas records -- are elementary at best. He's the kind of person who thinks slogans are a language and hashtags are a way of life.

Not totally convinced? Let us show you the worst of the worst moment in will.i.am history. Warning: You might die of laughter.


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Ten Dirtiest Latin Sex Songs, According to Miami Club Freaks

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Tequileiras do Funk, the best "butt punishment" band on the planet.

The Bareto concert at Grand Central had just ended and a man with some badass dance skills was skipping and jumping 'round the center of the dance floor at The Garret like he owned the place.

Moments later, a crowd of ladies in floral shorts, wedges, and tight black dresses that hugged every curve, and bros in diamond-studded Ed Hardy t-shirts and popped-collar polos made their way up the narrow stairwell.

They were greeted by a lit up palm tree, tropical printed shirts hanging from a clothing line behind the bar, and by Sonora Carruseles' "Micaela" and other Latin songs reminiscent of a typical Hialeah Noche Buena.

It was Sabrosura night and the club looked more like a salsa competition than one of Miami's top hipster bars. But if there was one thing the Latin music freaks at The Garret did better than anyone else that night, it was shake their asses to sweaty Spanish music.

Here are the ten dirtiest, filthiest Latin songs, according to the mamis and papis at la noche de Sabrosura.

See also:
-DJ Laz's Top Ten Booty Jams of All Time


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Six Reasons Riff Raff Is an Unfunny Moron

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There's a lot of talk about racial divides in this country. But there's one thing that Americans of all colors, creeds, ethnicities, and walks of life can agree on: Riff Raff is a fucking embarrassment.

Have you seen this confused individual? He's supposed to be a joke (we think), but it's one of those things where you live in the joke for so long you start to lose sight of the punch line. It's kind of like what Joaquin Phoenix did in I'm Still Here, but without any of the redeeming artistic aspects.

And no, just because Diplo thinks you're cool, doesn't mean you aren't an unfunny moron.

See also:
-Five Reasons Today's Rappers Are Fakes


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Meat and Beats! Seven Favorite Songs About Chicken, Beef, and Penises

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Photo by Laurie Charles
Eddie Beccles is all 'bout that chicken and meat!

A red banner outside Brother Jimmy's BBQ invites you to "Put Some South In Yo' Mouth."

We're talking Meat and Beats. Every Saturday night, locals and tourists alike in shorts, hats, and sandals hit up the Southern barbecue joint for some pickleback shots, Fighting Cock bourbon, and hot 'cue.

And in the spirit of the night, the meat lovers and beat bangers of Brother Jimmy's came up with some songs that talk about meat, all cuts of it.

See also:
-Hottest Miami Heat Players, According to the Ladies


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Six Pop Music Porn Stars, From Too Short to American Idol's Nathaniel Marshall

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Too $hort goes on and on, even on camera.

The pop music industry is a lot like the porn industry.

You've got throwaway faces with hot bodies ready to do almost anything for the fame and fortune. Honestly, a lot of the music videos coming out today might as well be porno clips.

With the lines of decency so blurred, it's no surprise pop stars would try their hand in the XXX arena. Metal monsters, leading ladies and even American Idol contestants have bumped uglies on screen for money.

See also:
-The-Dream's Banned "Pussy" Porn Vid: An Extremely Detailed Breakdown


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Six Signs You're at a Full Moon Party

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Photo by Laurie Charles
It's a full moon tonight at LMNT.

Myth has it that when the moon is full, people let go of their inhibitions and go wild. Truth or fiction, people totally let loose at LMNT's monthly downtown full moon party.

"We need to come together as a community and bring body and soul together," said Tracie Samara, hostess and co-founder of the lunar bash.

"When it comes to full moon parties, the subtle vibrations have an impact... people just come and do their thing."

And people of all sorts, from women in their 20s decked out in colorful flowy skirts, ruffled midriff tops, and floral headbands, to an Iraqi vet wearing a cut-off camouflage Army uniform top with a brown kilt and black combat boots, to bearded mid-aged men dressed in white linens walking around with djembe drums, and a Rico Suave doppelganger, did come exactly as they were.

See also:
-Six Worst Miami Pick-Up Lines, According to the Ladies


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DJ Paris Hilton Signs to Cash Money: Five Reasons Her "House Album" Will Suck Balls

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Paris Hilton must really love abuse, because she just signed a record deal with Cash Money to release her follow-up to 2006's weird and critically-forgotten Paris.

She plans to release a "house album." And, like, nothing about a fluffy hip-hop label signing a talentless heiress to make EDM music sounds sellout-y.

Gasp! You say Cash Money's legit ... Well, let us remind you, this is the same label that signed the poppy Barbie doll rapper Nicki Minaj, as well as the who-gives-a-damn '90s macho mess Limp Bizkit. To put it bluntly, Lil Wayne, Birdman, and crew don't know what the eff they're doing these days.

And here are Crossfade's five reasons that DJ Paris Hilton's "house album" will suck balls.

See also:
-Lil Wayne and DJ Paris Hilton's Sex Tape
-Paris Hilton's DJ Debut Sucked Balls: An Extremely Detailed Breakdown

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EDM: How to Succeed in Five Easy Steps!

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Look at this. This is your goal.

So, you want to be an EDM superstar? It's easy! EDM is blowing up like a 17-year-old girl in a tutu. Act fast, and you can catch some of that glorious LED spotlight for yourself!

Not interested in long hours studying music theory, beat matching, or production equipment? Fuck it! You don't need that in today's dance music world. All you need is a few key elements in your personal brand package, some easily digestible tunes, a demographic of your choice ... Et voila!

Just follow these five easy steps, and you'll be well on your way to becoming the next Avicii, Skrillex, Steve Aoki, or anyone else you want! (Does not include A-Trak turntablist package.)

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