That way to Suckville!

​Festivals are sort of the Costco of live music. Take, for example, the upcoming 2012 edition of Coachella. If you purchased individual concert tickets for every artist on the lineup, the cost would far exceed the festival's more-or-less $400 fee.

But when you visit Costco to buy a swimming pool's worth of mustard or a 1000-box supermegapack of Cap'n Crunch, you're not expected to eat it all before you even walk out the door.

The modern music festival -- built upon excess (more bands!), cheap nostalgia (more old bands!!), and straight-up selling you shit (better bring more money!!!) -- is a bloated, fiendishly trend-oriented marathon of total overkill. And after the last few days of status updates and retweets hyping its recently announced lineup, we here at Crossfade need to let the world know why we think Coachella totally sucks.
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Last name: Zappa! First name: Moon Unit?

​Somewhere in this cold, harsh universe, there is a sentient lifeform that gives a flipping fuck about Frank Zappa's daughter divorcing some bro-ham guitarist from Matchbox 20. But we here at Crossfade just can't get past the newly hot-to-trot Zappa's first name: Moon Unit.

While Papa Zappa surely struck gold, everyone knows Wacko Jacko (AKA Michael Jackson) was the true King of Redonkulous Baby Names. Prince? Paris? Blanket? Maybe all that Propofol Conrad Murray was dosing MJ with was a muse comparable to Weezy's cough syrup?

Anyway, Moon Unit Zappa got us thinking: What are some other out-of-control silly names that rock stars have given their babies, who eventually grew up to be adults with rout-of-control silly names? Check the jump for ten of the wacko-est.
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Gene Simmons is a smarmy motherfucker.

​Maybe we were born too late. Or in the wrong part of the country. But quintessential '80s hair-metal extravaganza rockers KISS have always come off as kinda goofy.

Alice Cooper, The Stooges, Black Sabbath ... Now there's some blues-derived din that knew how to get down with underground darkness. By comparison, KISS just seems like a Disney Land rock 'n' roll simulacrum.

Anyway, Gene Simmons -- KISS bassist, vocalist, frontman, and he of the mile-long forked tongue -- has been talking a lot of shit lately, even starting beef with Madonna in an effort to crack the Top 100 on Google Trends. Here is an embarrassing look back at this windbag's top five feuds.
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Via wtfcostumes.com

This baby is ready to rock.

​Adam Sandler is right. Thanksgiving is a special time of year.

But we're already sick of his song and dance, and the last movie he made was so terrible that even turkeys begged for a trip to the ovens rather than watch it.

So here are the true top ten greatest Thanksgiving songs. They will remind you of everything that's both great about this holiday and terrible about your relatives.

Wait, huh? Yeah, we said it. Enjoy the tunes.
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Photo by Sayre Berman

Miami loved the Jiggaman. But Facebook's full of haters.

​As we pointed out yesterday, 210 people on Facebook absolutely abhor DJ Khaled. But that's only a fraction of the haters who think Kanye West is a "complete wanker" and that Jay-Z "is a disgrace to the music business."

Facebook is littered with groups dedicated to bashing all kind of random shit, including over four million people who "hate getting texts that only say 'K,'" and half a million folks who despise mosquitoes. But a big chunk of these hate groups are aimed at musicians.

Check out some of our favorite comments from around the digital hatezone known as Facebook.
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Justin, you are not the father.

​Justin Bieber's baby drama has come to an end, according to TMZ.

The celebrity gossip website is reporting that the paternity suit filed against Bieber has been dismissed and the two lawyers representing Mariah Yeater have quit.


Was there a hush-hush settlement? Did Justin Bieber's superfans intimidate Yeater enough to pull out of the lawsuit? But most importantly, if Justin Bieber didn't father Mariah Yeater's baby, who did?

Check out Crossfade's list of musicians that Mariah Yeater may or may not have slept with at the Staples Center in October 2010.
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Shaq in drag!

​Basketball fans are pissed. NBA Commissioner David Stern calls the lockout a "big charade," admitting that the 2011-2012 is in jeopardy because "the union is ratcheting up."

Alex "Rube" Rubin, the YouTube rapper whose "NBA Lockout Anthem" has become a collective battle cry for season ticket holders, argues that "the players are the product" and "deserve as much money as they can get."

Crossfade, however, thinks NBA superstars should seriously consider alternative sources of income, particularly music. After all, music and basketball have a rich history, e.g. Shaq Diesel.

Check out our favorite NBA rappers, rockers, and queens after the jump.
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We don't wanna be Robert Plant's groupie.

​TMZ has got us playing a lil' game called, Who'd You Rather?

Of course, the implied last half of that question is: "...do it with?" And by it, we mean da nasty.

Yesterday, the gossip site asked us if we'd rather rub private parts with Led Zep shrieker Robert Plant or Roger Daltrey, frontman and vocalist for The Who. Well, we stayed up all night thinking about it and here's the answer ... Neither!

Instead, meet the five 60-year-old rock stars we'd actually like to fuck.
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Rick Ross needs to get healthy and Crossfade is here to help.

​Last month, Crossfade reported a series of seizures suffered by M.I.Yayo's own Teflon Don, Rick Ross.

The mess started aboard a flight from Ft. Lauderdale to Mephis, where Rozay was opening a brand new Wing Stop franchise. And matters only got worse when The Bawse checked himself out of the hospital only to suffer a second seizure on his private jet.

Yesterday, the rapper appeared on BET's 106 & Park, claiming the seizures were due to five years' lack of sleep. However, we don't believe a daily siesta alone is going to be enough to get Ross back in good health.

So after the jump, check out the five key principle's of Crossfade's Maybach Muscles Health and Wellness Program.
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Yo, that monkey is totally hardcore!

​A wise man once said, "All music is shit to God."

Crossfade is not that wise, but we have to agree. And let's face facts, humanity: Ever since we all got kicked out of the Garden of Eden, music has sucked.

You wanna know why? 'Cause everyone knows the freer you are, the hotter your jams. But thanks to The Book of Genesis, Man is too embarrassed to be naked.

Which is exactly why animals rock so much harder than us. See the cut for Crossfade's top five totally hardcore musical animals.
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