"When you hit rock bottom, you have nowhere to go but up."

Those are the wise words of the mother of Justin Bieber. "Beliebers" may know Pattie Mallette solely as the near-religious figure who brought Justin Bieber into this world, but little do they know about her deeper, darker past.

Before she had her son (who, by the way, was accused of a hit-and-run and then had his name cleared), Mallette hit rock bottom. Even worse, she had to deal with it like any other normal person, because the Biebs was not born yet.

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Universal Studios

A Springfield even Mr. Burns would love.

The newest addition to Universal Studios in Orlando is a Simpsons-themed area that is the ultimate in fan service--and it's only getting bigger. And tastier. Cultist took a VIP tour of the town's current offerings as well as a literal taste of things to come.

While there was already a Simpsons ride (think classic Back to the Future), Universal has now expanded the Springfield area to include a food court. As part of yesterday's tour, we got a sample of themed treats available at such stations as Flaming Moe's, Lisa's Teahouse of Horror, and The Frying Dutchman. Here are some of our favorites:

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In 2011, while training for a marathon on the University of Massachusetts Lowell's Riverwalk, Bianca Ramirez was brutally assaulted. The rest of her morning is a hazy memory.

"It was so abrupt," she recalls. "Being attacked came out of nowhere. I literally thought I died, waking up in bushes not know where I was, who I was, or what happened to me." Afterwards, she says, "I feared everything and everyone. Aside from that, I couldn't jog or get on treadmill. Everything led me back to those thoughts [of the assault]."

It took about two months after the attack for Ramirez, who is currently getting her master's in film production at the University of Miami, to channel her emotions into creativity. Writing became her therapy and, as she calls it, her oxygen. She battled traumatic, sleepless nights by penning 60 pages before she realized it; they included her thoughts on the assault, but much more.

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Breakup at a Wedding stars Alison Fyhrie and Miami native Phil Quinaz

When Breakup at a Wedding has its Miami premiere at O Cinema tomorrow night, there may be almost as many Miami natives on screen as in the theater. That's because the director and the star of the comedy are brothers Victor and Philip Quinaz, who are returning home with their debut feature film.

"Born and raised," Vic says proudly. "We grew up in Miami Shores, at 93rd and North Miami Avenue." Vic went to New World, Phil to MAST Academy. Much of their family still lives here, their mother a high school teacher and their dad running the Johnson's Duplicating print shop on Flagler.

"Miami is one of the funniest places on the planet," Vic says, "and it's a part of everything we do."

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Meet Stevie. She was just your average 20-something girl, sweet, innocent, with a bright future. She took dance classes as a child. But then, a visit to the Sunshine State opened up her dark side.

"It all started when I was in Florida, visiting my grandma," she explains. "And I saw the music video for Juvenile's 'Back That Azz Up.' That's exactly what I did. I just backed my ass up."

Now, Stevie's addicted to twerking. She twerks behind dumpsters and in gas station bathrooms. She twerks while she does the laundry and gasses up her car.

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Fruitvale Station

When the 17th annual American Black Film Festival kicks off in Miami Beach this weekend, one of the highlights is sure to be Fruitvale Station, based on a true story of a young man killed by a cop in an Oakland train station.

The film won top prizes at Sundance and Cannes, but "what people don't know," ABFF founder Jeff Friday says with no small amount of pride, "is that the director, Ryan Coogler, got his start with us. His Fig won the short film competition at the ABFF three years ago."

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K. Todd Storch/Flickr CC

In a city like Miami, where 100 percent humidity is par for the course, summer is all about getting wet. If we couldn't cool off with water sports, sprinkler systems, and backyard pools, we'd all be sizzling away like so many eggs on the sidewalk.

On Saturday, June 29, Tobacco Road is teaming up with Corona to host the ultimate cool off adventure, Waterloo -- "the water balloon fight that changed summer." Think 10,000 water balloons, 1,000 people, 40 tons of sand, and all the beer you can drink.

In a nutshell: EPIC.

See also:
- The Flying Tomato Smash & Bash 2013 at Tobacco Road
- Tobacco Road's Flying Tomato Smash & Bash Returns to Cure Your Aggression

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Miami Heat, tonight you face the greatest and most ominous opponent you have ever encountered in your life. No challenge you've met has ever been more difficult. No enemy has ever been more powerful and no accomplishment, accolade, award, or title you've earned has ever been more important in achieving than overcoming the adversary that awaits you on the court esta noche.

Unfortunately, el pinguo you have to beat doesn't play for the Spurs. Otherwise half of Miami would be nursing tremendo hangover and buying a new set of casuelas right now from celebrating a Heat sweep of the Spurs on Saturday. No, el monstro that stands in your way is infinitely more dangerous, far more familiar and doesn't smell like moth-balls and prune farts on the off-season. His name is doubt, y el hijo de puta lives rent free in your coco, pipo.

See also:
- Pepe Billete's Open Letter to Miami Heat Haters
- Pepe Billete's Open Letter to Lil Wayne

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Internet fame is a fleeting thing. One minute, you're doing the Harlem Shake on computer screens across the world. And the next, you're as old news as that finger-biting kid Charlie.

But Coral Springs Prancercise lady Joanna Rohrback has more staying power than most, thanks to a little help from her friends. Most notably, John Mayer.

See also:
- Florida Woman Invents Insane "Prancercise" Fitness Program (VIDEO)
- Prancercise Creator Joanna Rohrback: "I'm Against Riding a Horse ... Let the Horse Enjoy Its Free Will"

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George Schiavone

Please Report Any Suspicious Activity

For a gay elf at Christmastime, falling in love with your boss is a fruitless occupational hazard. Santa is straight, and though the beard might be sexy, he's off the market.

In Matt Hoverman's short play The Student, the best piece at City Theatre's inconsistent Summer Shorts festival at the Adrienne Arsht Center, Todd Allen Durkin plays a prim, proper, and pent-up pupil who has penned a story about this exact scenario. In this masterful comedy of homoerotic repression and twisted yuletide metaphor, Durkin's student appears in his teacher's office for a critique of his creative-writing assignment. Ken Clement plays the teacher, a struggling novelist who has just received another rejection letter and is not having the best of days. When Durkin expresses starry admiration for his teacher's profound advice, Clement responds, "I'm not a mentor. I'm a de-mentor."

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