Dog Lover Tops Her Man Like a Dirty Mutt
My boyfriend and I recently moved to Miami Beach together and got ourselves a nice apartment. Being animal lovers, we decided to adopt a pet. But here's the problem: I am a dog lover and he loves cats. We've been fighting over this for days now, so can you please help us resolve this little dilemma. What should we adopt? A dog or a cat?
Dear Dog Lover,
You seem like the top in your relationship. If you weren't, you'd probably be cleaning a litter box instead of writing me this letter. So, do what tops do best and tell your boyfriend that it's your way or the highway. I am totally on your side. Get a dog.
One of the reasons why l love canines so much is that they remind me of my human submissives. Dogs, just like my slaves, are collared, sleep at my feet all night, and pretend to be dead on command. Isn't that great? And when was the last time you heard a heroic story about a cat saving a human being? That's right -- never.
Owning a dog is also the civically responsible thing to do. There are nearly 300,000 cats prowling the streets of Miami Beach. They mate, piss, and shit everywhere, creating a real problem for the neighborhoods and hotels. I think it is agreed by all the concerned parties that this colossal number of stray cats has a deplorable effect on the overall quality of life on the Beach. So I have a modest proposal in the spirit of the great Anglo-Irish satirist Jonathan Swift: How about if the city suspends the leash laws for two months and allows the dogs to do their work? No more mewling fur-balls and just think of all the money the city will save on cat traps. The public good demands it.
Now, run to the shelter and adopt a cute furry doggy who will forever be your one loyal friend. Dogs love their owners unconditionally. Cats love you only as long as there's a can of Whiskas on the table.