Sad Keanu: Can Strippers and Cocaine Cheer Him Up?

Categories: Lists
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Keanu Reeves has plenty to be sad about. He was in a Paula Abdul video, he's Canadian, and he attended the Keanu Reeves School for Acting. And despite what George Carlin said, Wyld Stallyns' music never spurred a worldwide utopia. But c'mon, Keanu! You can't even crack a smile when Forrest Gump offers you some delicious choc-o-lates? Or when you're surrounded by adorable bunnies? Or when James Van Der Beek finally realized that his career was over?

Isn't just learning that you've become a popular (and in our opinion, quite hilarious) internet meme reason enough flash us a Cheshire Cat-sized grin? No? Well, okay. We understand that your sandwich is beautiful and it pains you to eat it, but you know what could cheer you up? A trip to Miami! That's right! We even have five suggestions of things (with photos) sad Keanu can do in the Magic City that are sure to make him happy.

1.Visit historical landmarks.
Might we suggest the Freedom Tower, Miami's version of Ellis Island? The Spanish Monastery? Hey! How about Calle Ocho? It's a famous street here in the 305 that, once a year, celebrates Cuban heritage with a big festival. This is how local Brooke Hogan honored this proud culture in 2009:

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2. Experience the arts.
Sure, Art Basel is only once a year, but thanks to the Design District, Little Havana, and Wynwood, Miami has a burgeoning art scene. Ever heard of Britto? He's a genus!

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What? Does sitting on a subtle symbol of race equality within a jumble of jarring bright colors not make you happy, Keanu? No?! Fine, go ahead and shit on the world.

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Well done.

3. Mingle with iconic locals.
South Florida boasts plenty of respectable notables like Scott Storch, Marilyn Manson, Don Johnson, and Jose Canseco. But no one's as important as the Golden Girls.

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What now, Keanu? Is there too much glamour in this kitchen for you to handle? Or are you just upset that you're not being served cheesecake on the lanai.

4. Explore our beautiful beaches.
Just the way Elian Gonzalez did -- by riding dolphins into Biscayne Bay.

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via disgrasian.com
5. Partake in cultural pasttimes.
You know, just the way Tony Montana did!

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Now that really is a little friend.

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