Best Gifts for People Who Go Crazy for Nature's Pig Candy AKA Bacon
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1. For the young or old gamer in your life there's the bacon scented Game Boy soap.
This soap has the power to stop you in your tracks. How did anyone think of something so strange, brilliant, and yet perfectly sensible? And then actually make it? Playing Tetris while munching on breakfast is how we got through the misery that is youth. The aroma of bacon and the Mario Bros. song go together, hand in hand. They're the sounds and smells of childhood.
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In some ways, this item conjures up the idea of greasy food in your hair, or just greasy hair. Kind of gross, but there is something to be said for taking a line from a corny movie (Jerry Macguire, in case you're an alien) and making it into a declaration of love for something that actually deserves that love (unlike Tom Cruise).
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3. For those who need to rock, there's the sick bacon tee.
"Hail Bacon," it proclaims, with a hand making the sign of the horns out of strips of meat. Devil worshiping? No. It's bacon worshipping. Hope the devil's not jealous.
4. For the PMS-er or chocoholic in your family, let them eat Sir Francis Bacon Chocolate Peanut Brittle.
There's nothing like candy with a sense of humor that also has meat in it. The philosopher, Bacon, died of the pneumonia he contracted while "studying the effects of freezing on the preservation of meat." (Or at least so says Wikipedia.) Oh the sweet, sweet, bacony irony of it.
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5. For the single, catless lady who lives on your block, or is your best bud, there's bacon scented votives.
Imagine how fat these little burnable babies will make her, fatter even than another item you might light up that induces the munchies. The match strikes, the smell wafts through the air, and the lady's ready for a BLT.
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'Tis a sick thing to imagine while drinking a cup of Sleepytime tea. After watching Rossellini's Seduce Me, a film where she acts out the types of copulation of sea and land creatures, you will perhaps approach this gift with different eyes. Eyes of acceptance -- that even pigs need to "make bacon." Well, make it away from us, you dirty bastards.
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7. For your lonely child who never has and never will have any friends, there's the bacon tuxedo.
Will you want to eat your child after you see him draped in bacon? There is a very strong chance. Maybe there's a warning on the box? Just remember infanticide is not socially acceptable. Put down the mayo and bread, and step away from the child.