Back to School: A Survival Guide

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Flickr User CC Waffler
The first day of school kicks ass. Halls are filled with hustle, bustle, and motivated students. Walk into that classroom and your life can change. New friends could be made. New knowledge secured. This week Miami Dade College's nine campuses opened. Others follow suit next week. The following Back to School Guide is designed to help you navigate the hectic start of the semester. Remember, the only thing better than the first day of school, is the last day of school.

1. Use Rate My Professor.
There's nothing worse than a bad professor. Seriously. Class is an investment and a journey. For 16 weeks, you will be listening and learning from your prof. The work's hard enough, to stay on top of the game who needs a horrible teacher getting in the way. What constitutes a bad teacher? Someone who's boring and disengaging, yet hard as heck when it comes to workloads. Someone's who's cocky and self-righteous, with an alpha ego who gets off on belittling students because they can. You know the type. Someone who smells. Someone who speaks broken English, or mumbles, or is a low talker. Someone who doesn't care. Use rate my professor. Get a preview of your future.  

2. Don't buy the book.
Never buy the book before class starts. Many teachers do not use the book. Besides, the bookstore is too crowded the first week of school and prices are redonkulous. $200 for a book? Really? Does that come with a dinner at Morton's? College books are a scam fueled by publishing industry giants such as Putnam and Bedford St. Martin. Sniff out the class first. If you absolutely need the book, rent it, or buy it used. Or, how about this? Make friends with the hottest boy or girl in the class. Form a study group. Get together in the library or at their house before big tests. Share a book. Not only could this save you money, it's a healthy studying pattern, and who knows, you might even get laid.   

2. Communicate with Your Teacher to a Point.
Have to miss a class or two? No problem. This is college. There's no truant officer. Yet it's always a good idea to let your professor know. Still, in these changing times, communicating today could be bewildering. Are there boundaries? Should you befriend your prof on Facebook? Text? Call? Write letters? Tweet? Drop in on their office hours? A simple e-mail will suffice. And simple is the key word. Be aware of TMI. Don't explain how you can't come to class because you're on your moon-cycle and your stupid boyfriend borrowed your car to go get chocolate and the car broke down. Or, how you were arrested in the middle of the night because you were trespassing at the Key Biscayne Marina on a sick graffiti binge. TMI.

3. Make Friends with a Nerd.
It's wise to make a friend. If you're absent, they can tell you what you missed. Or, if you don't understand, they can clarify. Maybe you can study together. Also, if you're out of town and facing a deadline, your new friend will certainly hand in an assignment for you so it's not late. So, when choosing a friend, choose wisely. Don't pick the dude who came in 30 minutes late stinking of crippy weed, find yourself a nerd. The nerd will likely be sitting in the front of the class. They will be asking your prof a lot of questions. That's your girl or guy.

4. Don't Miss the First Week.
The first week is the most important of the semester. You need to get your syllabus. You need to see if you like the vibe. How does the room look? Is it dark and creepy and extra cold, all decorated with anatomical posters, skeletons, beakers, and dissected frog stations? If it's your English class, it shouldn't be. Is there Internet access? Will your prof be writing on an old screechy chalkboard? How about the other students? Are they cute? Too young? Too old? Your professor? Is he Indiana Jones or Ben Stein? This stuff matters because you don't have to stay. There's something called an Add / Drop period that allows you to shop around classes the first week. Don't be afraid to ask for an Override, either.  

5. Back to School Shopping.
Going back to school is an event that gets you to the store. You need supplies, books, binders, pens, markers, sharpies, highlighters, journals, protractors, rulers, maybe a new computer, or printer. Disregard all of these necessities and buy yourself some dope threads. Get a haircut. This is Miami. You don't go to school to learn, you go to look good.


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4 comments
Daniela G.
Daniela G.

THIS IS SOO FUNNY ! ! ! Colagrande, Wow.

Jsdhbkjfbsdkj
Jsdhbkjfbsdkj

LOL very interesting, totally unexpected! before I read the article I was thinking common boring survival guide.

Sammantha
Sammantha

All I can say is " everything Colagrande wrote here makes a LOT of sense" ! lol!

Debz
Debz

...LMAO... "you go to school to look good "

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