I'm Insecure Because My Girlfriend Used to Be a Dominatrix

Don't know which hand to hold the whip in? Get sex, love, relationship advice from Mistress Lera by emailing askadomme@miaminewtimes.com. Read more about Mistress Lera at Notes From a Miami Dominatrix.

Dear Mistress Lera,

I fell in love with a woman, who I later learned was a dominatrix. She never told me herself and even denied it when asked. I found out from mutual friends. I am new to BDSM and my my experience with that scene is minimal. Is there a difference between the type of play in a relationship and the type of play that my pro-domme girlfriend does professionally? I'm worried what she'll think of me in the sack.

J.T


Dear J.T,

Damn you are whiny! You are kinky, you are into BDSM and you are complaining that the love of your life is an ex pro-domme? I don't quite follow your logic. Any bottom in your situation would just jizz their pants from happiness that their partner is a trained dominatrix, and you are writing to me? I guess you are one of those insatiable, attention seeking submissives. Shame, shame.

First off, let me tell you this: Your girlfriend, partner or whatever the hell you want to call her, does not owe you shit. That includes the explanation why she never told you about her pro-domming past. Maybe, just maybe, she sensed that you were one of those whiny bottoms who'd never leave her alone. Or maybe she just didn't feel comfortable. Anyhow, you ought to never bugger a woman about her past. If she's ready, she'll tell you. Otherwise, don't go snooping around.

Now let's get back to your question. All relationships are the same and yet they are different. Let's take your relationship with your girlfriend and her relationship with her clients. And since I don't know you or her, my reasoning will be based on certain assumptions. In a way your relationship with your partner is different from a relationship a professional dominatrix would have with her client simply because you get to have sex with her, and she doesn't charge you an hourly rate for fulfilling your fantasies. However, on emotional level it's all the same since you do get emotionally attached to your clients.