Ten Valentine's Day Gifts That Say "I Want to Dump You"

Categories: Lists
Natalia Balcerska Photography
Time to dump.
We've all been there. Things aren't going well in your relationship. Every time your boyfriend says your name, the hot metallic taste that precipitates vomiting fills your mouth. Or that sing-songy way your girlfriend wishes you "Good mor-ning!" It used to make you feel grateful to be alive. Now it makes you want to take a cheese grater to her face and just chafe away until there's nothing left to make any sound -- ever again. 

So why don't you just get it over with and break it off? Well, it's early February, and you're probably thinking it would be really heartless to break up with him/her right before Valentine's Day. Time to reorder your thinking. Don't use Valentine's Day as an excuse to prolong a relationship that died ages ago but that has been propped up and passed off like something out of Weekend at Bernie's. Rather, think of V-Day as an opportunity to let that no-longer-special-someone know just how un-special they truly are. The following ten gifts say "I want to dump you."

HAIR DOLL 9a.jpg
A doll made of her hair is a great V-Day way to make a girl disappear.
10.  A doll made entirely of her own hair.
If you're too wimpy to actually tell your girlfriend to get out of your life, your only option is to scare her out of your life. You can raid the shower drain for a few weeks prior to the big day, or if you don't have time, hit up the local salon (tell them you're an experimental artist ― that seems to excuse almost every type of anti-social behavior). Tie the grody clippings up with a couple of wires, ribbons, and maybe some googly eyes from A.C. Moore. Maintain a freaky hollow-eyed stare as you say, "I've been collecting these since the first day we met," allowing a little spittle to settle on your lower lip. That girl is sure to give you the break up you've been craving as soon as your creepy creation hits her palms. 

9. Tickets to a contemporary jazz concert.
This is enough to make most people look for the exit on a romantic relationship. If it doesn't work, try a Renaissance fair or a monster truck rally, depending on which display of poor taste is more likely to inspire contempt in your unlucky Valentine.

Fake bling will light your way to freedom.
8. Huge, P-Diddy-style fake diamond earrings.
Of course, the beauty here is that you tell her they're real, that you spent your life savings on them. You let her squirm and suspect and then finally come up with the brilliant idea to "get them insured," meaning have somebody verify what she already knows: that you're a dirty, repulsive liar. When she confronts you, you laugh and say, "The appraiser must have thought you were such an idiot!" The rest should take care of itself. 

7. A six-month subscription to a dating web site
"What's this?" your boyfriend asks when he finds the certificate tucked inside your valentine, his voice hurt and bewildered. You answer, "Aw honey, it's Valentine's Day! See who's out there! I did! And I have a date to get to! And he's a doctor! Ta-ta!" Done and done-er.

corpse flower.jpg
A corpse flower looks like a penis and smells like rotting meat.
6. A corpse flower.
The Latin name for this unfortunate specimen is amorphophallus titanum, which means "giant misshapen penis." Its looks live up to its name, while its smell is reminiscent of decomposing meat. If you absolutely must use this method of breaking up with your man or woman, it's going to take some dedication. You'll first have to purchase the "tuber" or seedling from this web site, and then you'll have to nurture it for at least a year. So you may have to wait until next Valentine's Day to go through with the plan. But come on, how many people can say that they broke up with a boyfriend by giving him a ten-foot smelly plant dick? It'll totally be worth it.  

5. A coffee mug featuring a photo of you... banging another dude.

If you're going to try this, make sure the guy gets angry enough to break the mug against the wall or on the floor during the break-up talk. If not, you've got to find a way to reclaim the object before you leave the scene, or you might have a nasty blackmail situation on your hands. 

4. A pint of Ben and Jerry's (Banana "Split" might be appropriate) and a box of Kleenex.
If you'd like to pull off this break up with as much arrogance as possible, this might be the perfect gift set for you to give. The old cliché is that people tend to eat and cry their sorrows away after particularly difficult break ups. If you're confident your soon-to-be ex is really really gonna miss you, this is a great way to go. And, unless they're really pathetic, chances are they won't be calling you after such a disgustingly self-aggrandizing display.

The OhMiBod vibrator can play a lonely tune for the newly single.
3. OhMiBod music powered vibrator.
Depending on the couple, this could be misread as a "let's spice things up" Valentine's Day gift instead of a break up gift. The difference lies in what you program into the accompanying iPod. Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again on My Own," Jason DeRulo's "Ridin' Solo," or if you're really cruel, The Beatles' "Eleanor Rigby" should get the real message across. 

2. A tarantula.
Just because the days of pet names are far behind you two doesn't mean you can't have a little fun with animals. Many zoos throughout the country have programs whereby you can adopt a beast in another person's name. The Zoo Miami offers such unappetizing choices as the blood python, the hyena and the warthog, while the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo in Colorado Springs, Colorado offers a range of slithery creatures like Burton's legless lizard, the Nigerian dwarf goat, and the striped skunk. Whatever heinous abomination you find appropriate will certainly get the intended message across to your Valentine, while also keeping some ugly animal fed for another few days. Win-win.

1. Gonorrhea.
This is an oldie, but a goodie. Except of course for the fact that in order to give gonorrhea, you have to have gonorrhea. But heck, at least now you can give gonorrhea to whomever you choose, whenever you choose, free of guilt. Or something. Happy Valentine's Day!

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