Ten Valentine's Day Gifts That Say "I Want to Dump You"
|Natalia Balcerska Photography|
|Time to dump.|
10. A doll made entirely of her own hair.
If you're too wimpy to actually tell your girlfriend to get out of your life, your only option is to scare her out of your life. You can raid the shower drain for a few weeks prior to the big day, or if you don't have time, hit up the local salon (tell them you're an experimental artist ― that seems to excuse almost every type of anti-social behavior). Tie the grody clippings up with a couple of wires, ribbons, and maybe some googly eyes from A.C. Moore. Maintain a freaky hollow-eyed stare as you say, "I've been collecting these since the first day we met," allowing a little spittle to settle on your lower lip. That girl is sure to give you the break up you've been craving as soon as your creepy creation hits her palms.
8. Huge, P-Diddy-style fake diamond earrings.
Of course, the beauty here is that you tell her they're real, that you spent your life savings on them. You let her squirm and suspect and then finally come up with the brilliant idea to "get them insured," meaning have somebody verify what she already knows: that you're a dirty, repulsive liar. When she confronts you, you laugh and say, "The appraiser must have thought you were such an idiot!" The rest should take care of itself.
6. A corpse flower.
The Latin name for this unfortunate specimen is amorphophallus titanum, which means "giant misshapen penis." Its looks live up to its name, while its smell is reminiscent of decomposing meat. If you absolutely must use this method of breaking up with your man or woman, it's going to take some dedication. You'll first have to purchase the "tuber" or seedling from this web site, and then you'll have to nurture it for at least a year. So you may have to wait until next Valentine's Day to go through with the plan. But come on, how many people can say that they broke up with a boyfriend by giving him a ten-foot smelly plant dick? It'll totally be worth it.
If you'd like to pull off this break up with as much arrogance as possible, this might be the perfect gift set for you to give. The old cliché is that people tend to eat and cry their sorrows away after particularly difficult break ups. If you're confident your soon-to-be ex is really really gonna miss you, this is a great way to go. And, unless they're really pathetic, chances are they won't be calling you after such a disgustingly self-aggrandizing display.
Depending on the couple, this could be misread as a "let's spice things up" Valentine's Day gift instead of a break up gift. The difference lies in what you program into the accompanying iPod. Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again on My Own," Jason DeRulo's "Ridin' Solo," or if you're really cruel, The Beatles' "Eleanor Rigby" should get the real message across.
Just because the days of pet names are far behind you two doesn't mean you can't have a little fun with animals. Many zoos throughout the country have programs whereby you can adopt a beast in another person's name. The Zoo Miami offers such unappetizing choices as the blood python, the hyena and the warthog, while the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo in Colorado Springs, Colorado offers a range of slithery creatures like Burton's legless lizard, the Nigerian dwarf goat, and the striped skunk. Whatever heinous abomination you find appropriate will certainly get the intended message across to your Valentine, while also keeping some ugly animal fed for another few days. Win-win.