Everything You Know About Elsa Patton Is Wrong

Categories: Lists
Elsa-Patton-wine.jpg
Today is Everything You Think Is Wrong Day.
And everything we've learned thus far about Elsa Patton, the real star of the Real Housewives of Miami, is completely false. Yes lies, ALL LIES! But step back from that cliff's ledge, my friend, in honor of today's holiday, we've decided to debunk some of these oh-so-important Elsa myths:

1. She's Cuban

Sure, she may have been born in a far and distant land where people steal flowers from their neighbors' yards with unwashed hands (AKA Cuba). But we did some investigative research on the interwebs and found out that large, sluggish aliens with slurred speech are usually derived from a creature called a Jabba the Hutt, which was a character created by George Lucas, who, according to a lot of avid Star Wars fans is pretty much like God, so, it's HIS word -- Elsa is the love child of Princess Leia and Jabba. That explains why she looks partially human. Hang on a minute: We found smoking hot photos of Elsa before Real Housewives of Miami. She was human. A beautiful human lady!

2. She's a witch

Okay, so Elsa predicted that Andy Cohen of Bravo's Watch What Happens Live is incapable of loving another person after reading his aura (which we're assuming is hot pink, bedazzled, and slightly cross-eyed), but so what? After years of engaging in meticulous paranormal research (i.e. episodes of Sabrina the Teenage Witch and multiple screenings of The Craft) we know that just because you have the ability to read someone's essence and predict their future doesn't necessarily make you a witch, it makes you a psychic. Or a shaman. Or the owner of a time machine. Whatever it may be, we're not buying that Elsa's a witch because she looks nothing like Shannen Doherty, Alyssa Milano, or Rose McGowan. But, we're not going to take away the fact that there is something magical about Elsa (perhaps she's part shape-shifting unicorn? That makes a lot of sense to us).

3. She's a drunk

So what if she's gotten a DUI recently and that we're only three episodes in and she's already gotten drunk on camera? So what?  That doesn't make Elsa a wino. In fact, in Charlie Sheen-logic, that makes her a WINNER. And most likely that's not booze she's getting tipsy on, it's tiger blood (laced with rum). Which is totally legal to drive on (aside from the rum). She can't help herself if her inner gnarly warlock busts loose after a few sips of tiger blood (...with rum). That's just what happens, duh! Sizzle! BYE!

4. Her lips are fake

Uh, have you seen her daughter Marysol's lips? They're identical! Both mother and daughter share heavy, overly bloated puckers that look like they're slowly slipping off their faces in an attempt to escape. We're sorry, but that's got to be genetics. No licensed plastic surgeon would ever do that kind of butchery more than once. Right?

5. She looks good in most things

Sure, she'd look *okay* in a meat dress, a wet suit, a leather corset, a string bikini, a leotard and tutu, or in full body paint of the Cuban flag, but we think she looks MAGNIFICENT in muumuus. Long, silk, metallic muumuus should be the only thing to grace her soft, delicate, and liver spotted skin.




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42 comments
cubanitoray2005
cubanitoray2005

The JackAss who made this article can go F** himself with a broom go disrespect your own kind u piece of scum.  one thing Elsa's not shady and a bitch like Lea and the other dum broads such wannabes  on this show

esa_cubanita03
esa_cubanita03

the person who created this article is so desrespectful to cubans...hope one of ur kids marries a cuban because then they will turn out smart....didnt u know that Cuba has some of the best doctors in the worlds???????? and...u will never see a Cuban homless asking for money in the streets of the US like americans do because we cubas are hard working people....you are very racist and a douce bag!! u are full of weed!!!! i love the us and the american people except douce bags like u!!

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Daveainkley
Daveainkley

Who ever wrote this is a huge idiot! Get a life looser, respect for our elders, and cheers to this women, got the whole world talking about her! I love her!!

Rachel
Rachel

Who performed Elsa's facial surgery?

Elsa Fan
Elsa Fan

I love Elsa! She's so sweet and I hope her and Marysol are blessed every day with love, peace and all the good luck in the world. These 2 are the only non hateful people on these shows!

Samantha
Samantha

Who the hell are you to say all these things about Elsa when you probably don't even personally know her, especially your disrespectful comments towards the cuban community.Stop hating, she seems 100% funner to be around than you'd be.

Aff
Aff

Elsa happens to be a lovely woman who has been in a horrible car accident that disfigured her face. Obviously no plastic surgeon would let a woman of that caliber beauty transform in to Jabba the hut!

Crafty1178
Crafty1178

Thank you for that. That was poetry.

Fitatforty99
Fitatforty99

I really believe that these things are very hurtful to Elsa, but if you don't want to consider her feelings than consider her daughter. She can't be comfortable with the horrendous things that people are saying about her mom. I CANNOT believe that everyone writing these things have nothing wrong with their body, mind, or spirit. It may not be to the magnitude of Ms Elsa, but walk a mile people. Walk a mile. Would we all feel better if she were to simple hide away in her home or venture out only upon darkness or covered with a dark veil. Have a little love in your hearts and feel her pain as you would want others to feel yours in ANY CAPACITY. Andy. You are heartless and mean spirited. Were the ratings (and possible trip to hell) with your supposed allure and carring of her worth her hurt feelings if people act true to form and decide to make her the object of ridicule. And of course you could go with the standard "she had the option to turn us down" remark but, I think that she kind of did when she changed her mind stating that she didn't like to fly. Could you give her that graceful "out". No you had to send someone there in a car to pick her up. I watch your show and you tend to be very sensitive to any negative nuances that you feel your guests or callers send your way and make sure you speak up when you think someone is criticizing your right to be gay. You're truly disappointment because this is as low as you can go. People are insinuating that she's not human. Well how humane are these comments coming from our very human counterparts.

Lola
Lola

This was too funny. I was convinced she's an alien and now I'm even more sure of it! Scary lady.

Tomford04
Tomford04

how the hell do you know if she is a drunk. she could be on a medication and got pulled over. shit happens and she didn't hurt anyone. Thank god. Don't really know how you could have done much research in Cuba since Fidel doesn't let assholes in

ELSA FAN
ELSA FAN

Elsa Patton makes the whole show! The rest of the women are boring.

CARMENNRUIZ13
CARMENNRUIZ13

Here is an old Cuban woman conducting an interview in what she calls English to a Spanish reporter.The reporter told her that she could speak Spanish and she acted as if she had forgotten that foreign language.The reporter had to tranlslate what ever she attempted to say in English into Spanish so that the audience could understand the interview.Its a shame that they forget their native language even though they don't know the English language.First words learned were PLASTIC SURGERY PORFAVOR.

Francisjr
Francisjr

umm i think all of you guys are really mean. Shes a friend of my moms and ive been to her house before. She is actually really nice and nothing like the snobby bitch you see on tv. So next time get your facts right. :)

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mamima
mamima

The tag to the "full body paint of the Cuban flag" is in fact a Puerto Rican flag... Still silly, but incorrect.

Mdbsen
Mdbsen

I love this woman, go beyond the image and see how funny, free and frisky she is. At the end of the day, we all wish we had the balls to face everyday with this kind of laughter and not give a shit about what we all think about her face or her botch jobs. So stop people, learn to love.

Nicky
Nicky

She would be a perfect alien on Star Trek without the need for any additional mask/make-up.Have you seen her laugh? Her mouth opens up to gigantic proportions and the sound she makes is anything, but human. She is my favorite cast on the show.

Ktown
Ktown

Bahahahahah. Shape shifting unicorn and tiger blood, Hahahah.

dbg
dbg

what is the name of the hair salon?

Justme
Justme

I haven't read anything this hilarious--& dead on--in a while! Great writing! Elsa has become a guilty pleasure... we can't stand to look at her, yet we can't stop watching! That Andy is a genius.

Fresca
Fresca

Does anybody know this woman? Does she know she looks freakishly disfigured? Have her doctors been investigated?

Czz
Czz

She has had may surgeries to try to correct it. She almost lost her life, she's lucky to be alive.

universal
universal

This is beautifully said!! I couldn't agree more! It is disheartening how people can be so judgmental and critical of others! Her personality makes her shine beyond her" looks"! Even morose, she and Marisol seem like such loving woman! How could you criticize them with a good heart? I look at the criticisms of such judgmental people and only wonder if the lord is behind her, using her as his shield to test such heartless people! Because this woman and her daughter come across as good people!

Stop being so mean!!!

Nicky
Nicky

Fair enough, but if I looked like her I would definitely not have the audacity to go on national television, let alone do a whole season of Real Housewives. They showed some pictures of her from a few decades ago, and she was really beautiful. She should have allowed herself to age gracefully rather than let some plastic surgeon turn her into a freakshow.

Fitatforty99
Fitatforty99

I truly agree with the 'rest of the women are boring" comment and IF I continue to watch, it will be due to the BEAUTY of Ms Elsa (as beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder) and the sweet, peacefu,l gentleness of daughter MarySol. Oh. I forget. That doesn't sell. We do need the itchiness of the other ladies. Most particularly Ms Scotty Pippen. Why would you call MarySol's mom a bitch. She said what to felt was communicated to her. Possibly the proper/adult response would have been to engage her in conversation and find out the why's of it or just kept it moving because you know who and what you are.

Lillian2
Lillian2

These are the work of FILLERS, maybe even some silicone she may have had a while back.. But after surgery, they all do FILLERS and say they are not having surgery Better, however they do the surgery. thier faces are ghastly, distorted and difficult to look at.. See the top lip of her daughter? FILLER! the Duck bill look. They are tryng to make a star of this woman, Elsa, but we get queasy looking at her face.. she looks like the son of Cher in Mask.

Beachbum
Beachbum

Does she look worse in person?

Fitatforty99
Fitatforty99

I truly believe in the goodness and humanity in the majority and I'd love to see others take the time to post things such as this so that should she bother to read these things, The good comments will far outweigh the bad comments.

Elyse Wanshel
Elyse Wanshel

We do love her! We LOVE HER! And if she has a good sense of humor, like you claim she does, then she shouldn't get too upset about all this. It's what you get in exchange for the limelight. If Andy Cohen can handle Kathy Griffin making fun of him to his face for having crossed eyes, than Elsa can handle this, if she's even aware of the attention she's getting.

Carolynkaba
Carolynkaba

I go to the same hair salon as Elsa and her daughter. First, let me say they're both smart, lovely women. But unfortunately their appearance is due to one plastic surgeon, conveniently located in the same building as the hair salon.

Elsa Patton is a Rock Star
Elsa Patton is a Rock Star

I am glad that you love our ELSA! I think that she is the reason for this show. We love her so much we have created a FB Fan Page - Elsa Patton is a Rock Star where we share her most memorable quirky statements!

Fitatforty99
Fitatforty99

Good sense of humor is not the proper armor for out and out cruelty. Wow and we're comparing Kathy Griffin calling Andy cross eyed to calling Ms Elsa, and the nicest thing that I've read is, an ALIEN. WOW.

Fitatforty99
Fitatforty99

Thank you for speaking up on behalf of Elsa. She does seem to have a beautiful spirit. And baby at this point where we are in all that's going on in the world. The spirit is ALL we need to be looking at because it's her spirit that GOD will be judging her on. Not her looks.

Norma Jeane
Norma Jeane

Thank you for sharing that. I felt rude for even thinking of asking...but I finally had to try and research it. I love Elsa's personality, though. She adds to the show in so many ways. I will say this, I don't think it is a very wise choice on Marysol's part to go to the same surgeon. She is obviously beautiful, as I am sure Elsa once was. I am in amazement that the surgeon could even be in practice. I would love to know if something specific went wrong with Elsa...or if many of the surgeon's patients have suffered the same consequences. I have seen pictures of Marysol that seem to be before surgery and I think she was far more beautiful than she is now. I wonder if another surgeon could actually help fix whatever has happened to Elsa.

Elyse Wanshel
Elyse Wanshel

Yikes! They actually both seem like pleasant enough people, but who's this surgeon, the public has a right to know.

Pamela
Pamela

Beautiful spirit? Elsa cursed her daughter Marysol on her wedding day (because she did not want to wear someting she pick out for her) so that she would be unhappy and the marriage would not last. And, according to Marysol, the curse was effective, because her mother is witch/psychic. In conclusion, a selfish windicitve witch that enjoyed a luxurious life and never had an actual job is not exactly my idea of a beautiful spirit.

Fitatforty99
Fitatforty99

Truly everyone does and he should be the object of ridicule. NOT Ms Elsa.

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