Ambassadors, Dressed as Inmates, Welcome Visitors to Coral Gables

Categories: Art, Culture
Is that an escaped convict or a Gables ambassador?
We like to make fun of Coral Gables here at Cultist. The ritzy city is an easy target - an affluent, conservative community surrounded by a much grimier and poorer metropolis always makes for some good mean-spirited fun. But even we can't fault the City Beautiful for its emphasis on culture, with some of the best theater, cinema, museums, restaurants, and bookstores in all of Miami.
And it looks like the city is taking its cultural offerings seriously as well, or trying to at least, as they are set to unveil a new Downtown Ambassador Program in April that provides street side, concierge like services by specifically trained city workers. Read on to see what kind of questions you should be asking these ambassadors.

Dressed in prison jumpsuit-looking uniforms (bright orange with big letters) and driving around obnoxious peanut-sized Smartcars, the ambassadors will provide hospitality services, answer questions about the city and its history, give directions, hand out literature such as maps and brochures, and provide info on current events, restaurants and bars, and hotels. Good job Coral Gables.

When you see this car, expect a ticket.
We subscribe to the theory that no good deed goes unpunished, so below are five questions to ask the ambassadors to embarrass them or stump them:

1. This is Coral Gables right? Where is the cock fight scheduled for tonight?

2. I hear it's illegal to park pick up trucks in the city overnight but where can I park my swamp buggy?

merrick erection.jpg
Is that an architectural rendering in your pants or are you happy to see me?
3. Are you aware that from a certain angle the silhouette of the statue of city founder George Merrick in front of City Hall makes it look like he has an massive erection?

4. Where can I get a massage with a happy ending?

5. If the idea of the ambassador program is to provide friendly helpful information, why on earth did the City of Coral Gables choose you -- parking enforcement officers who are notoriously mean and insensitive -- as its goodwill ambassadors? And are you going to give me a parking ticket after telling me where Books & Books is?

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Toño Sempere
Toño Sempere

Love the idea of approaching an ambassador and ask about the rules and regulations concerning conjugal visits. Because I'm classy like that...

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