Kevin Hart Cracks Up the Fillmore Before Hitting King of Diamonds

Categories: Comedy, Culture
Kevin Hart isn't that cool. With four sold out shows at the Fillmore for the South Beach Comedy Festival, the man may be popular, but he's definitely not that cool. He started his performance last night by grabbing the mic and pulling the stand down a good two feet to accommodate his tiny stature. He then proceeded to describe how he kowtowed to a man in a Spongebob suit at his daughter's fifth birthday party, how much of a baller he's not, and how he dropped his mother's coffin at her funeral.

While comedians who opened for Hart talked about eating assholes and choking bitches, Hart recounted in detail how many sexual positions he is not comfortable with and assured the crowd that his average sexual performance lasts no more than 23 seconds. To illustrate, he went on to hump a stool for 23 seconds.

This fast-talking, wounded little comedian may not be the first to invite people to laugh at his pain, but he does do it well. The mostly-black crowd at the Fillmore was young, happy and eager to laugh, a condition only helped along by the tall-ass beers and cocktails the concession counters doled out.

Four comedians performed before Kevin Hart took the stage. The emcee talked about Miami's big bitches, a phenomenon we Miamians more commonly refer to as "drag queens," and reminisced about the good ol' days of piss-colored Listerine.

The next guy staggered in toting a keg-party style red plastic cup and started a drunken rant about how little time he had to perform. "I only got four jokes for y'all," he slurred. "Show started late, so I'm gonna do these four jokes and get out of here." He made some poignant observations about men's jean choices on South Beach. "Every time you walk, you bust a nut because your tight ass jeans be rubbing up against you. If you need to arch your foot to get it into the pant leg of your jeans, you need to get a bigger pair of jeans!" He talked about how fiendishly men protect their cell phone privacy, and why. "We can't just put in a name of a girl. We gotta put in something like 'Big Titty Keisha,' so when the phone ring your girl sees the caller ID and she'll be like, 'Who the fuck is 'Big Titty Keisha!?'" "He so right!" a woman in the audience exclaimed. 

Up next, Na'im Lynn's greatest contribution to the show and perhaps to mankind is a plan by which men performing oral sex on women can make sure that they never accidentally lick an asshole again. "You stick your finger in it and rest your chin on your hand," he said, completely deadpan, demonstrating the technique for the audience. 

The raunchiest opener of all, Corey Holcomb, was saved for last. Holcomb seemed sloppy drunk when he stumbled onto the stage, but at least he warned the audience of what to expect. "I'm only gonna talk about some fucked up shit," he said. And that he did. 

He talked about a pool party at Magic Johnson's house. "He's standing in the pool with a big ass cut on his leg, and he's like 'Come in!' I was like, you're gonna  have to put some more chlorine in the pool." 

Then on to vaginal rejuvenation surgery and other fun female topics. "Getting' your tubes tied is for girls who refuse to give up raw dick. They could just ask guys to wear a condom, but they're like 'Fuck that.' They wanna get skeeted in." He slowly looked around at the audience before continuing.

"I see some of you girls getting upset at my jokes," he said. "That's because my show is a reflection of your life. And you hate yourself." Fellas, don't worry. Holcomb had some wisdom for you too. "Never let a year go by without choking your bitch," he explained. "I don't care if it's New Year's Eve. 'Four, three, two, one...'" he said, and then seized the mic stand, miming a pretty convincing choking.

Holcomb left and a black box on the stage opened to reveal two female dancers in red one-piece bathing suits, tuxedo jackets and bow ties. Dry ice clouds floated across the stage, and the dancers moved around awkwardly for a few moments before the door of the box opened again, and out walked little man Hart. 

His comedy was a lot more subdued than Holbrook's babble about abortions and STDs. It was also a lot more personal. He talked about how he had tried --- and failed --- to hang with (read also: spend money like) the big dogs of the NBA. He told a lot of stories about his coke-head father, like the time daddy he came into Hart's spelling bee competition, late, high as hell and shouting inappropriate cheers. "My son's spelling the shit out of those motherfucking words! Awright awright awright!" Hart shouted in imitation.  

From start to end, the audience laughed nearly non-stop. These guys knew what they were doing, and the audience was on board for every joke. Hart earned his place as the celebrated headliner by bringing a host of stories with substance, a little bit of sadness, and a lot of hilarity.

The show ran pretty late for a Sunday (supposedly it started at nearly 11 p.m., and audiences weren't standing up to leave until 1 a.m.), but the laughs were worth sacrificing a few hours' sleep over. For those who braved the after party, Hart tweeted that he and his "plastic cup boyz" shut down King of Diamonds strip club.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

Sponsor Content

My Voice Nation Help

So how is he not cool? B/c of Wat he talks about? U said it urself he had the crowd laughn non-stop so wats so "not cool" about him? Besides u telling sum of the jokes he did, all u doin is talkn dwn on him. Idk, it do sound like u hatin a tad bit.


U sound like a hater. #ThatIsAll


If you have been recently diagnosed with positive, you may be upset and confused and think your sex life is over. However, it's not the end of the world, and it's not the end of your social life. You are not alone! Check POZmingle. com. Many cities in the US and around the world have herpes/HIV/HPV social and support groups that you can join to meet others who are in the same situation.


He's coming to providence RI... I can't wait I seen his seriously funny DVD and older work and he's the funniest comedian out right now... His show is gonna be hilarious.

@yate86 on twitter

Now Trending

Miami Concert Tickets

From the Vault