Kicking It With Christians, BBW Babes, and Ron Jeremy at Exxxotica Miami Beach 2011

Photos by S. Pajot

Alexis Texas ... Or you may know her as Buttwoman.

​On day one of Exxxotica Miami Beach 2011, Cultist scored a subscription to Buttman Magazine, rode the cocksaw, met the biggest set of implants on Planet Earth, and went all cowgirl atop a bucking pink mechanical penis.

Day two wasn't any less exciting. We chatted with the most beautiful ass to ever explode out of the Lonestar State, AKA Alexis Texas. We kicked it with Christians calling for an end to gayness and porn. We tasted a penis pop, bought a Bang Bros tee, talked tattoos with BBW babes, tried on the Fukuoku masturbation glove, and solicited some fatherly advice from Ron Jeremy.

Photo by S. Pajot

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Starting off our evening at the SoBe sexpo, we spent about 90 seconds with a gang of Bible-thumping protesters who'd decided to waste an entire day parading around the Miami Beach Convention Center parking lot, waving signs that said stuff like "HOMO SEX IS SIN" and "REPENT OR PERISH." But it wasn't all fire and brimstone. See the comfortingly tolerant footnote: "WE DON'T HATE HOMOS."

Photo by S. Pajot

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Once inside, we quickly collected our ticket, hustled past security, and immediately began ripping off our clothes. But then we noticed section four of Exxxotica's general event rules and information: "Nudity and sexual activities are strictly prohibited on the show floor, lobby, or any other areas of the Miami Beach Convention Center." Total bummer.

Photo by S. Pajot

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A half-hour later, we ran into this fine white-wigged creature in a crooked zebra-print bikini. She let us snap a photo for free. But when we asked her, "How long does it take to finish off one of those penis pops?," she just said, "Pictures don't cost shit. But you gotta pay for questions."

Photo by S. Pajot

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Over on the other side of the showroom, the Bang Bros booth was set up in a dark corner like some kind of low-rent porno theme park. You could buy his and hers t-shirts, meet and greet a few of Miami's favorite sex pros, and even crawl around inside the actual semen-stained Bang Bus.