Miami vs. Dallas in a Cultural Seven-Game Series

Categories: Culture
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No comparison. Cuban ain't no Cuban.
Tuesday the Miami Heat will battle the Dallas Mavericks for the second time in five years. While sportscasters debate exactly how LeBron is going to disembowel Dirk Nowitzki, Cultist examines these cities by their cultural sensibilities to uncover the real winner.

Riptide already did a good job of telling you why Miami is a better city than Dallas in general terms, but here's the cultural perspective: Dallas might be the shining star of Texas but Miami is the black hole of Florida. Wait. What? What we mean is that Dallas was the home of America's Team while Miami now has the team all America hates. Again, that doesn't help. Read on to see how Dallas matches us in culture.

7. Mark Cuban versus Miami Cubans
Both can be colorful, loud, with a penchant for complaining of mistreatment, and a paranoid habit of seeing conspiracies where there are none. Maverick owners Mark Cuban and Miami's Cuban community have some real similarities. And they both are known for their dancing, well, sort of. Cubans invented the mambo and can get down with the best of them. Mark Cuban, on the other hand, was on the fifth season of Dancing with the Stars.

Winner: Cubanitos

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LeBron and D-Wade?
​6. Who Shot J.R.? versus Everybody Gets Shot in Miami
Dallas and Miami Vice were probably the biggest prime time television dramas of the '80s. Dallas was about a dynastic family who made their money in oil and cattle. Miami Vice was about Miami's vices: drugs and sex. They had Larry Hagman as J.R. Ewing we had Don Johnson as Sonny Crocket. They had ranches and cowboy hats. We had beaches and bikinis.

Winner: Despite having what was at the time the largest television viewership of a show ever, the "Who Shot J.R.?" episode, we think there is no doubt that the lasting cultural impact of Miami Vice was greater, even if people still associate Miami with crime and violence, which, let's face it, is accurate.

5. JFK vs. FDR
Not exactly the shining moment for either city. Dallas claimed JFK in 1963, whereas there was an attempted assassination of Franklin D. Roosevelt at Bayfront Park in the 1920s which failed although the gunman did kill the mayor of Chicago (yet another shot for those poor Bulls fans).

Winner: We're both losers.

4. Art Scene
Like with most things culture, it's really hard to rank art scenes. But that doesn't stop people from trying. Some people think Miami is a top three art scene destination, while others have Dallas and nearby Fort Worth both in the top ten. We'd say that Miami definitely tops Dallas with its contemporary art scene but that Dallas has an edge with its classic collections.

Winner: With the explosion of Art Basel over the past decade, there's no question Miami is a much richer cultural artistic destination.

3. North Dallas Forty versus Any Given Sunday
In case you don't' remember, North Dallas Forty was a movie shot in 1979 about a fictional football team loosely based on the Dallas Cowboys. Any Given Sunday, on the hand, was Oliver Stone's terrible football drama shot in the '90s about the fictional Miami Sharks. Both movies are bad but enjoyable cheese. In general terms Miami outpaces Dallas in terms of movie history, but not by that much. Put it this way, they have Robocop we have Bad Boys.

Winner: Miami

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Ribs are good, but croquetas are deadly.
2. BBQ Ribs versus Croquetas
Without steppin' on Short Order's toes too much, we'd just like to talk about the cuisine in both cities. Dallas is in Texas, which means its heavy into barbecue. And while Cultist admits to have a weakness for some baby back ribs, really there is no comparison with the variety and quality of cuisine offered in the Magic City. Our heavy Latino, Caribbean, and even European influences make our cuisine more diverse and let's face it more complete. Sorry Big D.

Winner: Croquetas (Loser: Your arteries!)

1. Unrealistic television
Apparently, Dallas has a lot of reality television shows lined up to start filming in the city with Bravo, Style, and Logo channels all filming there in the near future. But stop it. The city has so far to go to try and catch up with Miami's lamentable reality history cache (Jersey Shore, Basketball Wives, Real Housewives of Miami, Miami Social, etc.), it's barely worth mentioning.

Winner: Miami wins, but that really means we lose.

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