Five Worst Offenders of Mediocre Talent
|Of course she had to be on this list.|
Let's talk some crap about mediocre talent. Unsure of what mediocre talent is? Join us as we run down a quick list and explain why these people aren't worth all the ogling.
They should be reviled. Or at the very least, the werewolves should be given to Michael Vick to do as he pleases with them and the vampires jobs in Rick Scott's administration so they can know what real blood sucking feels like. The movies were bad enough, but the obvious top culprit is that Mormon lady who wrote those books. To Stephenie Meyer, writing a decent novel is like running a hedge fund; she doesn't know how to run a hedge fund.
It's a strange love affair all these crazy people seem to have with a terribly-written set of books that centers around some awkward, geeky girl's unlikely premise of being banged by a dude six times her age who has to unfortunately spend the rest of his immortal-yet-possible-to-die-via-dismemberment-and-raging-fire life in the same high school grade level. Then there's the strange fascination with the then-17-year-old brown boy. Had it been a bunch of men openly admitting to wanting to fuck a 17-year-old girl the nation would face a paper shortage as a record-number of police reports were printed out. However, the ladies get a free pass. Women can be perverted too, you know, I've seen what goes on during sex toy parties.
2. Paris Hilton
She should be in prison. Not for whatever stupid thing put her there in the first place, but for crimes against humanity. It's not even because she's a train wreck or anything, it's because she's a talentless train wreck. Charlie Sheen is a goddamn clusterfuck, but Men at Work and Wall Street were fucking awesome, so the dude gets a pass. But Paris? What role of note has she had besides being the leading lady in a nightmare in which yours truly gets STDs.
Other than being a total bitch for not apologizing profusely to the trees that have been working overtime to provide her with oxygen, she does very little in the form of contributions to society. Mel Gibson may be a raging alcoholic anti-semite asshole, however in exchange for his tomfoolery and dubious activities he has provided us with cinematic masterpieces and a film where atheists get to snicker a little bit at Jesus Christ getting the everliving fuck kicked out of him. The most Ms. Hilton has given us is boner relief.
Like the Kardashians and Tila Tequila. Try and break down why the Kardashians are famous for a second. Imagine you're the future child of the one married to the basketball player. One day you ask, "mommy, why do people with cameras always follow us around?" Try to conceptualize the texture and consistency of the vomit that will violently explode out of your tiny mouth when your mom says, "well sweetie, your grandpa Robert helped O.J. Simpson get away with murdering two people, and then your auntie Kimmy videotaped herself fucking a second-rate rapper whose only claim to fame was being Brandy's untalented little brother."
4. Rappers only about money & hoes
There are many phenomenal rappers out there, and yes, even they occasionally go on about currency and shit, but not each and every one of their singles has to do with their bank accounts and how their promiscuity is unmatched. Soulja Boy's "Pretty Boy Swag" is quite frankly the worst thing to happen to music since Soulja Boy's "Turn My Swag On." Ever since his first hit "Crank That" he has been getting consistently worse with each new single. He's doing to music what M. Night Shyamalan is doing to movies.
5. Dane Cook
Because he's not fucking funny anymore. He sort of was at first before he sold his soul to Dick Cheney/The Devil, but now he just yells a couple of nonsensical things and collects a check, kind of like Pitbull. There are so many great stand-up comedians out there, I don't see why so much of the spotlight has to be shone on a guy who stole a bunch of his jokes from Louis CK.
But we all love to gossip about something, don't we? That's fine, I guess, but at least pick a target with some talent to envy. Didn't you hear? Kobe Bryant called a referee a "fucking faggot."
Plus he raped some girl. Allegedly.
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