Ten Ways to Beat the Dog Days of Summer
|Look at the Sun acting all smug|
We've whipped up some quick, surefire ways to beat that summer heat. Most don't cost that much and there's little chance of actual jail time. Prepare to cool off:
|dominic bartolini via flickr|
|Somebody's going to have a big water bill.|
Remember when you were a kid and you and the neighborhood gang would cool off by popping off a hydrant and playing in the water, No, you don't because you were a shut in who didn't have friends thanks to your overbearing father. Why not make up for lost memories and try it now, though? Unfortunately breaking open a hydrant takes a lot of upper body strength. It's much easier to start a house fire, wait for the strong firemen to come and let them open up the fire hydrant so you can cool off.
9. Find somewhere that has air-conditioning
Very simple. If it's hot outside, go inside somewhere where it is cold. A lot of people would suggest going to see a movie, but most summer movies suck and cost thirty-seven dollars. Alcoholics Anonymous meetings are usually in well-ventilated churches and usually give you complimentary refreshments and usually provide much better entertainment than you would find at the multiplex.
|jasonlam via flickr|
|Have fun and eat well.|
If it really gets unbearably hot this summer don't fight it. Instead embrace it by cooking up a fried egg using nothing but the convection heat retained in concrete. But why stop there? Get ambitious and see if you can't whip up some stir fry on the street. Don't try to eat anything though, it's highly unsanitary and may even be harmful to your health. Instead, serve it up to your dad, who always was critical of your cooking skills.
7. Gamble on the weather
If you can't control the weather, you might as well make some money off of it. Go to your local bookie (and if you don't have a bookie just ask any Armenian person and they can point you in the right direction) and put some cash down that tomorrow's temperature will be ninety degrees or more. Sure the payout won't be big, but it's a bet you likely won't lose, unlike that bet you made on the kind of Heat during the playoffs that you still may get a pinky cut off for.
6. Go to Australia
While this is an expensive tactic, buying a ticket to Australia for the summer is a surefire way to beat the heat. When it's summer in the northern hemisphere, it's winter in the southern hemisphere. So pack up your scarves and be sure to tell the locals how much you love shrimp on the barbie, vegemite, and Foster's beer. They love it when tourists do that.
|afeicht1 via flickr|
|Dogs know how to beat the heat.|
Hop in the car, roll down the windows, go at least 50 miles per hour and let the open road be your air-conditioning. After a day and a half of traveling, you should be adequately cooled off. (Note: do not attempt this if you don't have gas money to get somewhere and back, or else you may wind up stuck somewhere awful like South Carolina.)
4. Turn your pants into short-shorts
That's right, break out you scissors and cut off every pair of pants you know just two and a half inches below the crotch. It's a simple act of defiance that says, "I will not be shackled to these heat retaining symbols of sartorial oppression anymore!" Damn the consequences, even if they may mean ruining hundreds of dollars worth of clothes, get you fired, or make you register as a sex offender.
|Queen Yuna via flickr|
|Ice skating yes. Leopard outfit no.|
It's a no brainer, your local skating rink will let you stay on ice, which is usually very cold, for hours at an time. You could try to play a pickup game of hockey, but that's a one way ticket to the hospital. Try squeezing into your old leotard and practice some Salchow jumps. Who's the fairy for taking five years of ice dancing lessons now, dad?
2. Stay hydrated
One of the most important things to remember during the peak of summer is to take in plenty of liquids to keep your body temperature low. Scientists will tell you that you should drink eight glasses of water, but who likes drinking water? Lame people. We suggest you take in plenty of diet soda, straight vodka, and rolls of ecstasy, all of which are known for combating dehydration.
1. Tell off your dad
This actually won't help you beat the heat at all. But doesn't it feel good to get out all those years of pent up aggression? Maybe you will even go play catch afterwards! (Don't play catch though; it's much too hot for that.)
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