Which Hispanics Would Survive the Post-Apocalypse Miami War?
Miami is as diverse as the bacterial cultures scraped off the genitals of the Jersey Shore cast. Previously, we learned about the different factions and which neighborhood stands a better chance at survival in the face of an impending dystopian future. Now it's time to delve into the individuals to gain a better understanding of their likes, fears, and quirks (so we can exploit the shit out of them).
Miami has many, many different types of nationalities residing in its income-disparate domain. Hispanics dominate the playing field like it were a baseball diamond, so we'll begin with them. This guide would be shit without a breakdown of the most prominent nationalities that are so proud of their nations they decided to abandon it for America's greener pastures to pick fruits from -- like this writer who was too Dominican even for Dominicans. Time for some stereotypes. All of them bad.
Cuban. The majority of Miami. The American education system isn't great, we all know that, but apparently it's worse than we thought. According to any Cuban you meet from the older generation, they were all doctors, lawyers, and engineers back in Cuba. Yet the current generation seems full of underachievers with an IQ that wouldn't make a respectable earthquake. The Cuban specimen is finicky, noisy, and filled with a sense of entitlement. They live all over Miami but mostly reside in Westchester, Tamiami, Hialeah, and Little Havana.
Positive Attributes: Shit-talking can get people places and resources. For example, there's no way in hell Marco Rubio became a U.S. senator on merit or skill.
Negative Attributes: Shit-talking can also get your ass kicked. It's only a matter of time before a certain shit-talking writer is found murdered in an alley someplace. And by the way, if the cause of death is covered up and ruled suicide by autoerotic asphyxiation, you'll know it's bullshit. He wouldn't do that in an alley.
Venezuelan & Colombian. Sometimes it's a challenge to tell apart a Venezuelan from a Colombian. They nearly have the same damn flag, their women get breast implants so often they'll soon develop genes that produce silicone during puberty, and they fucking love Lacoste. Seriously, they love that shit.
Venezuelans are generally goofier and have a slightly sillier tone when they speak Spanish and they turn into little whiny bitches when you bring up Hugo Chavez. Their "happy birthday" song is also 14 minutes long. To turn a Colombian into a whiny bitch, you remind them of how terrible their national soccer team is. Also, insert a cocaine joke here. Their main hub is Doral and increasingly in the Hammocks (Kendall).
Positive Attributes: With Venezuelans, the intense hotness of their women comes as a useful resource in a post-apocalyptic world. With Colombians, it's survivability. People kill dealers, not suppliers.
Negative Attributes: They don't hide very well with all those loud-ass parties they throw for any little situation. They think "low key" means hiding a house key under a welcome mat in their Doral home for the cleaning lady.