Which Hispanics Would Survive the Post-Apocalypse Miami War?

Categories: Culture
stereotypes.jpg
Dubious ruffians.
The Miami Survival Guide is Cultist's almanac on what makes Miami tick. Use this as a means to mastering your surroundings for use in the upcoming Palin presidency apocalypse, or for getting punched in the face, whichever comes first.

Miami is as diverse as the bacterial cultures scraped off the genitals of the Jersey Shore cast. Previously, we learned about the different factions and which neighborhood stands a better chance at survival in the face of an impending dystopian future. Now it's time to delve into the individuals to gain a better understanding of their likes, fears, and quirks (so we can exploit the shit out of them).

Miami has many, many different types of nationalities residing in its income-disparate domain. Hispanics dominate the playing field like it were a baseball diamond, so we'll begin with them. This guide would be shit without a breakdown of the most prominent nationalities that are so proud of their nations they decided to abandon it for America's greener pastures to pick fruits from -- like this writer who was too Dominican even for Dominicans. Time for some stereotypes. All of them bad.

Cuban. The majority of Miami. The American education system isn't great, we all know that, but apparently it's worse than we thought. According to any Cuban you meet from the older generation, they were all doctors, lawyers, and engineers back in Cuba. Yet the current generation seems full of underachievers with an IQ that wouldn't make a respectable earthquake. The Cuban specimen is finicky, noisy, and filled with a sense of entitlement. They live all over Miami but mostly reside in Westchester, Tamiami, Hialeah, and Little Havana.

Positive Attributes: Shit-talking can get people places and resources. For example, there's no way in hell Marco Rubio became a U.S. senator on merit or skill.

Negative Attributes: Shit-talking can also get your ass kicked. It's only a matter of time before a certain shit-talking writer is found murdered in an alley someplace. And by the way, if the cause of death is covered up and ruled suicide by autoerotic asphyxiation, you'll know it's bullshit. He wouldn't do that in an alley.

Venezuelan & Colombian. Sometimes it's a challenge to tell apart a Venezuelan from a Colombian. They nearly have the same damn flag, their women get breast implants so often they'll soon develop genes that produce silicone during puberty, and they fucking love Lacoste. Seriously, they love that shit.

Venezuelans are generally goofier and have a slightly sillier tone when they speak Spanish and they turn into little whiny bitches when you bring up Hugo Chavez. Their "happy birthday" song is also 14 minutes long. To turn a Colombian into a whiny bitch, you remind them of how terrible their national soccer team is. Also, insert a cocaine joke here. Their main hub is Doral and increasingly in the Hammocks (Kendall).

Positive Attributes: With Venezuelans, the intense hotness of their women comes as a useful resource in a post-apocalyptic world. With Colombians, it's survivability. People kill dealers, not suppliers.

Negative Attributes: They don't hide very well with all those loud-ass parties they throw for any little situation. They think "low key" means hiding a house key under a welcome mat in their Doral home for the cleaning lady.


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28 comments
Ericmarie87
Ericmarie87

THIS is exactly what's wrong with Miami- ignorance. PUNTO. Sure, it's supposed to be "funny" but it's really not so funny as it is a lame observation of the writer's limited experience with these cultures outside of his lovely bubble- Miami.... Hence why all the smart Hispanics have/plan to leave that place to go on to bigger and better places. I take Miami for what it is- a whiny city with beautiful people and weather. Do I think Miami is anything more? HARDLY- just look around people!! Most of these 30K salary "millionares" still live at home with abuela and mami! AND they are SECOND generation latins- which do not sand for the same morals and ethics there parents and grandparents had when they struggled to get to this "democracy"...so that's my opinion- if we are all pms-ing and sharing... let's all just move on from this - "it's a free country and I say what I want, you can't tell me what to do, USA #1...."... PS How many of you go to FIU? sighhhhhhhh--- REPRESENTING MIA, ALCERE!!! 

Lauren
Lauren

In typical Miami fashion, you missed the mark, Orlando.  It's not that I have a problem with racial stuff- it can actually be hilarious to invoke racial stereotypes, but it has to be accompanied with satire.  Your piece lacks any satirical value, and instead seems just to be an excuse to call Cubans stupid.  Where's the funny part?  A flagrant rant about how horrible Cubans are, and then a bunch of superficial teasing of the other prevalent hispanic communities in Miami, just to pretend like your rant is all-inclusive. Not only is your babble about uneducated Cubans an inaccurate generalization (maybe you're just not interesting enough to know the intelligent and educated ones), but it's not original, it's not creatively written, and well, it's not funny.  It's actually kind of pathetic. 

IamDigusted
IamDigusted

This is ignorant, unintelligent, uninformed dribble. You should be ashamed of yourself. I'll only specifically address this statement for now as it would take too long to point out all the stupidity you've posted: "nationalities that are so proud of their nations they decided to abandon it for America's greener pastures to pick fruits from." Are you serious? Are you sure you aren't from Arizona? This comment is in VERY poor taste. You make hispanics sound like leeches. Many, if not most, of these people would prefer to stay in their own countries were it not for the oppressive environments they live in due to the governments running these countries. You think they're all here to become millionaires? They lack resources in their own countries to even provide food for their own families. Please, do us all a favor and shut up from now on.

Poster513
Poster513

Why is everyone so sensitive?!? Stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason. Just laugh and get on with your lives.

LaCandida Churches
LaCandida Churches

This is ON POINT! Hopefully visitors and residents of the area will take note and follow your wise words accordingly ;-))

Jiplasat
Jiplasat

Coma Mierda! Hijo de cienmil puta!

Kim
Kim

Ehh, didnt chuckle. Lame.

Samba Kings
Samba Kings

What about brazilians? we have jiu jitsu! haha

JackStevenson
JackStevenson

This Orlando Winters just like most of these idiots from the Miami News are a bunch of slime bags constantly criticizing South Florida, seems like they've been wanting to compete with the Herald another slime bucket of crap.

JackStevenson
JackStevenson

Orlando Winters very obvious for a non Latin/Hispanic  to use the name Orlando. You are one or the other,  you're either an African American who can't criticize!! any others heritage but you still do because of your disastrous past of ghetto mentality race that are very abundant more then any other minority or  a somewhat mixed breed who hates white Hispanics which is very common amongst non white Hispanics, which one is it Leroy Brown because you're the baddest man in town, you piece of shit.

fart
fart

Argentineans would be too busy grilling beef and talking about soccer to do anything useful in the apocalypse.

Rachel Sak
Rachel Sak

Fucking hilarious. I only wish they didn't edit you so much! Will you marry me?

carlos
carlos

Fucking funny as post orlando, hahahaha even as a nica you had me fucking cracking a rib over here

DiosMio
DiosMio

Miami is the most ignorant and racist place i've ever lived in. Cubans being numero uno.Someone mentioned that stereotypes originate from somewhere? They do!

Orlando
Orlando

I agree. This should be removed.

Jose D. Duran
Jose D. Duran

JackStevenson, if you cannot string together an intelligent response to Orlando's post don't bother commenting. Considering yourself warned. Next time you'll be banned. FYI, Orlando is Latino.

nobody
nobody

English, please.

JackStevenson
JackStevenson

Intelligent response? Where the hell did you crawl out from under your back yard rock, let me ask you is Orlando's comments and racial bashing some what of intelligence and let me get something straight Jose are you harassing me, think twice before you comment on harassing anyone, Orlando can be what ever he want's to be but his BS responses and racial comments towards other groups and ethnicity's are way over board and are extreme. You seem to be a minority aren't you just by being a Jose just swings and rises red flags,  Do you favor bashing and criticizing your own kind, shit seems like you do and boy do you favor and defend Orlando the Duffus.

JackStevenson
JackStevenson

What did you say? English please? Ha! born and raised in South Florida, where did you come from, nah! don't worry I know you're kind, you don't have to say where you're from.

Hot Carl
Hot Carl

Jack send me your address so I can take a dump on your chest. You are an angry little boy for no reason. To be honest to you I think this article is funnier to those that fall in this category. I did not find any of this to be over the top offense. You I found to be offense. Hence why you need a hot carl.

Hot Carl
Hot Carl

Really I just want to take a dump on your chest. Please send you address !! 

JackStevenson
JackStevenson

I wasn't raised in Miami I was born in it 55 years ago while you're parent's where still kids and you where a glimpse of imagination, by the way your name describes you well.

nobody
nobody

Being raised in Miami is not an excuse for exhibiting such a flagrantly poor grasp on the English language.

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