Superhero Movies That Don't Exist and Should Probably Stay That Way

Categories: Film and TV
superhero.jpg
John Halcyon Styn
You probably wouldn't watch this movie.
With San Diego's Comic-Con at an end, it's probably still OK to talk nerd shit. You may be thinking, "but Mr. Winters, you seem like the coolest maternal fornicator around, what could you possibly know about dweeb nonsense?" We'll have you know I'm an O.G. (original geek) and used to play EverQuest back when you had to dial in to connect to the Internet with a rotary phone.

The chic thing these days is superhero movies. Everywhere you look there's a guy with dead parents tearing up the streets and putting bad guys away instead of just outright murdering them so they don't end up in prison cooking up a plot line for a sequel. The typical villain is some dude content on taking over the world by fucking shit up even though it never occurs to him that he'll be living in the world he's destroying.

Everyone is familiar with Batman, Superman, and Spider-Man. But what about the hundreds of other heroes in comic books? Let's learn about a few and why it would bankrupt any movie studio that tries making a movie out of them.

5. Aztek
As a Mexican superhero, the first half hour of the movie would consist of Aztek paying a coyote to get him to California so he can "fight some crime, holmes." Aztek De La Raza was created by Grant Morrison and Mark Millar either on a dare or as payment for some landscape work. Aztek, the champion of the god Quetzalcoatl -- who must fight his nemesis god Tezcatlipoca in the "Toughest Shit to Pronounce World Series" (We're guessing taking place over at Eyjafjallajökull) -- comes complete with incredible powers like flight, x-ray vision, super speed, invisibility, super strength, and in what makes him truly overpowering, the ability to not have to wait two months to receive a mail-in rebate check. We think.

Even though he has all the cool powers that guy with the Stallone-lip had in Heroes, there's just something unwatchable about having a Hollywood film featuring everyone's favorite unknown hero who took the job of some perfectly capable American superhero. And it's not the difficulty casting a Mexican, because they'll just get some white guy.

4. Captain Carrot
A jackrabbit, or in this case a jacked rabbit, capable of super strength, enhanced vision, super stamina, super hearing, and  who can, wait for it, jump really far. We need a new form of mathematics to compute the amount of narcotics consumed by the creators of this comic. Captain Carrot is the leader of his team, Captain Carrot and His Amazing Zoo Crew, which consists of colorful folks like Alley-Kat-Abra, Pig-Iron, and Yankee Poodle. He's a mild-mannered regular bunny, but when he eats his "cosmic carrot" he is imbued with super powers. The effect wears off after a period of time which is why he keeps two carrots holstered on his costume and maintains a grow house.

We don't think you need us to tell you why this wouldn't work out. A movie with a bunny superhero is definitely catered to children, and the last thing we need is the advocacy of performance enhancing drugs at such a young age. We mean, what, do we want baseball to be entertaining? We wouldn't want to live in a world like that.


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12 comments
Rupert
Rupert

Huh huh! A Mexican superhero that has to swim the river! Landscape work! Taking job away from a (white) superhero! Oh, that's just so amazingly clever and original, ese!  Put your junior Klansman hood back on and get back in your mother's basement.

Greg
Greg

What a hack the author of this article is.

Obviously unfamiliar with the subject he's writing about, scraping the bottom of the barrel of lists that have been done since Spider-man came out, this is just awful.

This "article" is not well written, does nothing new, isn't funny and is irritatingly unknowledgeable. It offers nothing of value.

Go back to MacDonald's.

NotGary
NotGary

Rorschach was a reference and/or a direct copy of the Question. The Rorschach character is also pretty popular due to his grit and righteous-yet-sympathetic zealotry, so The Question is one PR spin away from being lucrative with the high probability of a smart person being in charge of "not [fudging] this one up."

Everyone afraid of their favorite intellectual properties becoming another "ghost rider" should probably either realize they will never, ever change anything because they aren't really doing anything, do something about actual problems, or just write a broken keyword-dependent opinion-piece top-list that they can capitalize off of a bunch of angry, opinionated nerds who spend their time shouting metaphorically and literally at their screens, losing sleep over other people being incorrect, and probably need to stop writing whole paragraphs as a single sentence.

wait a second...

jetpackman89
jetpackman89

I think you under estimate the character "The Question". Remeber Rorschach with the scratchy voice and didn't give a fuck about people? Yeah, that's basically "The Question" without the scratchy voice and didn't give a fuck. Alan Moore basically used him as the inspiration or basis for Rorschach. If anything A "The Question" movie would play out more like a film noir / crime thriller than a regular superhero movie. He's sort of cool in that respects.

ElimG
ElimG

Wrong.  Really, really wrong.  Sure, these characters would not be that popular with teenage boys, but you could still make decent movies with them by aiming at a different audience - if you had some good writers.  The Question for example could be something like a Mad Max meets Rorschach (from Watchmen) superhero.

Helix
Helix

Yup, looks like the author gets clown status for slandering Halycon.  Thats ok guys, its better we remain understood, right?  Or perhaps not... the proper growth of the culture is indeed a good thing.

guest
guest

Styn rocks and if you did some homework you would have known that too. This guy is a modern day superhero in his own right. Do some research before you shoot your mouth off.

Cakkyb
Cakkyb

I assume you don't know Mr. Styn because he is to thousands a true super hero!  He works tirelessly to help the homeless and make this world a better place for all, not to mention truly being devoid of ego. 

Orlando
Orlando

There are no basements in Miami, silly man.

Helix
Helix

Misunderstood, that is.

Orlando
Orlando

Truth be told, homeboy in the photo looks cool and sufficiently ripped.

I just wouldn't watch his superhero movie.

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