Superhero Movies That Don't Exist and Should Probably Stay That Way

John Halcyon Styn

You probably wouldn't watch this movie.

​With San Diego's Comic-Con at an end, it's probably still OK to talk nerd shit. You may be thinking, "but Mr. Winters, you seem like the coolest maternal fornicator around, what could you possibly know about dweeb nonsense?" We'll have you know I'm an O.G. (original geek) and used to play EverQuest back when you had to dial in to connect to the Internet with a rotary phone.

The chic thing these days is superhero movies. Everywhere you look there's a guy with dead parents tearing up the streets and putting bad guys away instead of just outright murdering them so they don't end up in prison cooking up a plot line for a sequel. The typical villain is some dude content on taking over the world by fucking shit up even though it never occurs to him that he'll be living in the world he's destroying.

Everyone is familiar with Batman, Superman, and Spider-Man. But what about the hundreds of other heroes in comic books? Let's learn about a few and why it would bankrupt any movie studio that tries making a movie out of them.

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5. Aztek
As a Mexican superhero, the first half hour of the movie would consist of Aztek paying a coyote to get him to California so he can "fight some crime, holmes." Aztek De La Raza was created by Grant Morrison and Mark Millar either on a dare or as payment for some landscape work. Aztek, the champion of the god Quetzalcoatl -- who must fight his nemesis god Tezcatlipoca in the "Toughest Shit to Pronounce World Series" (We're guessing taking place over at Eyjafjallajökull) -- comes complete with incredible powers like flight, x-ray vision, super speed, invisibility, super strength, and in what makes him truly overpowering, the ability to not have to wait two months to receive a mail-in rebate check. We think.

Even though he has all the cool powers that guy with the Stallone-lip had in Heroes, there's just something unwatchable about having a Hollywood film featuring everyone's favorite unknown hero who took the job of some perfectly capable American superhero. And it's not the difficulty casting a Mexican, because they'll just get some white guy.

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4. Captain Carrot
A jackrabbit, or in this case a jacked rabbit, capable of super strength, enhanced vision, super stamina, super hearing, and  who can, wait for it, jump really far. We need a new form of mathematics to compute the amount of narcotics consumed by the creators of this comic. Captain Carrot is the leader of his team, Captain Carrot and His Amazing Zoo Crew, which consists of colorful folks like Alley-Kat-Abra, Pig-Iron, and Yankee Poodle. He's a mild-mannered regular bunny, but when he eats his "cosmic carrot" he is imbued with super powers. The effect wears off after a period of time which is why he keeps two carrots holstered on his costume and maintains a grow house.

We don't think you need us to tell you why this wouldn't work out. A movie with a bunny superhero is definitely catered to children, and the last thing we need is the advocacy of performance enhancing drugs at such a young age. We mean, what, do we want baseball to be entertaining? We wouldn't want to live in a world like that.