Five UM Programs That Will Benefit From Canes Football Getting Death Penalty

Categories: Culture, Sports
U.jpg
It's not all bad news for the U.
Is it too soon to start talking about life post University of Miami football? The bodies are not even cold yet, and already we're thinking about what how UM can redirect money and effort that once went to the soon-to-be euthanized program. On a quick note, UM football will never really go away, no matter what the NCAA does. Don't they know you can't kill UM football -- evil never dies.

Even so, all indications are the program will take a hit (and not the kind Uncle Luke denied paying bounties for) and instead of sitting back and waiting for our favorite college football fuck shop to get, well, fucked, we are going to be proactive and come up with a variety of sports and cultural activities where the U can spend all that football money it won't be needing anymore. And for all you wannabe Nevin Shapiros out there, next time you make it rain on a college program consider these:

5. UM Parkour
Maybe parkour -- you know where people go climbing, jumping, running around the natural and urban environment in a cool and often acrobatic fashion -- doesn't have the popularity of major college football (that qualifies as the biggest understatement since Shapiro's mom said in New Times that he would make heads roll), but that doesn't mean they couldn't stand some attention. There's already UM Parkour meet up on Mondays. How bout we start the first official team in the country - ignoring the fact that the discipline is anti-establishment and anti-competition.

4. Bill Cosford Cinema
One of our favorite film venues in all the city (won 2005 Best Movie Theater and best art cinema in 2002 ), the Bill Cosford can always use a facelift. Plus, in light of recent allegations, we think the theater should finally be willing to show Billy Corbin's The U, unless of course they still want to pretend like everything in the documentary (and more) never really happened.

3. Men's Soccer Program
Despite a strong soccer culture in Miami, UM can't put together a men's soccer team. That pesky Title IX rule in college athletics requires an equal number of athletic scholarships handed out to men and women and the vast majority of those go to football. Or they used to. The one thing that seems certain is that many, if not all, of those scholarships will be nixed, at least for the short term. Looks like it's going to be UM futbol instead of football?

2. Sports Administration Program
We figure if anything good could come out of this whole Shapiro fiasco it probably will have to do with the Sports Administration Program. Maybe the dirtbag Ponzi schemer still has millions stashed away and he might be willing to impart some of his sports agent knowledge on to future generations of agents studying at UM. After all, hosting sex parties, giving cash bonuses for good play, and even paying for abortions seems to be part of the regular duties of booster/agents these days, and Shapiro knows this better than anybody. Think the idea of having the Nevin Shapiro School of Sports Administration is silly? Maybe, but probably not too different than having the school's baseball stadium - Alex Rodriguez Park at Mark Light Field - renamed after a steroid taking, poker playing, Cameron Diaz defending local boy.

1. New Student Center and Rathskeller
Sure, students won't have Saturday afternoon games to watch in their soon-to-be-built Student Center, but we're sure the alcohol purchases at a new Rathskeller will go up 10 fold now that students will be drinking away their sorrows. A depressed drunk always drinks more than a happy one.

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